End of the year reflections

(Image of Fred Rogers from www.paulkatcher.com)

It's 10:44 PM here in the DC metro area, and another year is winding down.

I thought this was as good a time as any to write about my goals for next year, hokey as it may sound.

Let me start off with this:

"It's you I like,
every part of you,
your skin, your eyes, your feelings,
whether old or new.

I hope that you remember
even when you're feeling blue,
that it's you I like,
it's you yourself,
it's you...

It's you I like."
(by Fred Rogers, pictured above)

Out of all the songs he wrote and performed on his show, this one always meant the most to me. It's also the one that makes me think the most of my dad. He always tried hard to judge people by their insides, not their outsides. And even if we got in trouble as kids (or adults), Dad let us know he loved us - and LIKED us - no matter what.

(By the way, if you're sick of me writing about my dad, as Jules would say, "You're living on the corner of 'Tough Titty' and 'Sucks to be you'." Just so ya know.)

In addition, I had an eye-opener on Friday. I was feeling kind of grumpy and very tempted to quit the big band I sing with. I don't know if it was a holiday thing, a mourning thing, or what, but I was ready to quit after rehearsal on Thursday.

Then came our Friday gig - a gig we do every year for the Hebrew Home of Greater Washington - and those senior citizens melted my heart again. Damn it.

To give you background, every year (since I joined the band, anyway) one of the things we do is a "New Year's Eve" party at the Hebrew Home. It's my kind of party...it's over by 3 PM so I can get to bed by 8 PM. (God, what a pathetic life I lead.) They go all out for this too...they have hors d'oeuvres, punch, party favors, and entertainment. It's fun for the residents, we get paid, and everyone's happy.

So anyway, I was running late for the gig (don't even ask me why). When I got to the lobby, the security guards (for fun) made me sing for them to prove that I was actually with the band as opposed to an impostor. Once that was done, I scrambled to the social hall as fast as my fat little legs would carry me. OK, I'm cool, I'm at the gig.

Two senior citizens (both men) managed to melt my heart in the course of the hour I was there. One sat in the front row, and when I came out to sing my first number, he started to cry. I thought the song reminded him of his wife or something, and I patted him on the shoulder because I figured it would pass. But then, he cried during other songs too.

I sat next to him to visit. He apologized for crying, but he was a musician for many years and he couldn't play anymore and he was just so happy to be able to hear a good band again. I got to thinking...here I am, wanting to quit when I can still do what I love, and here's someone else who can't do what they love and have to be content to sit and listen.

The other man was a stroke victim, and his daughter and son-in-law were there as well, enjoying the music. When the concert was over, I was talking to a few band folks and then as I walked past, the daughter touched my arm and said, "My dad has something he wants to say to you."

My first thought was, "Oh god, did I say something wrong?" But I went over to him and asked him how he liked the show.

He replied, "You could really make it big. What are you doing here?"

Now that's a question I ask myself 50 times a day. In my daydreams, I'm accepting Grammys and Oscars, singing to sold-out auditoriums. In reality I'm answering phone calls from people who mis-pronounce my boss' name on an hourly basis.

But (I swear this is true) I heard a little voice inside myself say, "This is why you shouldn't quit, Sudie. Talk to him."

I told him, "Well, if I made it big, then I wouldn't have time to sing for you. I'd rather sing for you."

So there you have it...the Grinchette's heart grew two sizes that day, and I didn't quit the big band. I hope Dad was watching...

And for 2006, I am going to try my best to just get over myself and like people and things based on what's inside as opposed to outside. I may have to get a few hundred things off my chest, but that's what this blog is for, right? Right.

Love to all, and here's to a fulfilling '06!
Sudiegirl

And now, from the "Do these anti-Christian, hellfire and damnation jeans make my butt look big?" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Well...now...I admit I've seen some funky fashion trends in my thirty-six (almost thirty-seven) years on earth. I've seen bell-bottoms, spandex, jelly shoes, parachute pants, neon colors, preppy stuff and prairie skirts (and that's just a sample). But anti-Christian denims are a new one on me. However, I am thinking they don't make them in plus-size, and you can't tell me there aren't plus-sized people in Scandinavia who want to make a statement about organized religion! So, as usual, I'm gonna make snotty comments, and that's just how it is, people. (Note to self...get Garth Brooks a pair of these?)


'Devilish' Jeans a Hot Seller in Sweden
By KARL RITTER, Associated Press Writer
Fri Dec 30, 1:35 PM ET

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A punk-rock style, trendy tight fit and affordable price have made Cheap Monday jeans a hot commodity among young Swedes, but what has people talking is the brand's ungodly logo: a skull with a cross turned upside down on its forehead. (You know what? The logo is just plain ol' UGLY. Forget offensive...it's just UGLY and makes no sense. If you want something representing "Cheap Monday", find an image of some famous, miserly person and put it on the label instead. Also, if you're wearing the jeans and someone gets close enough to you to actually see the upside-down cross on the skull's forehead, that's a violation of personal space. I know if that someone got close enough to me to look at the logo, this physically un-fit chick would be executing a roundhouse kick worthy of Chuck Norris.)

The jeans' makers say it's more of a joke, but the logo's designer said there's a deeper message. (Well, isn't there always...? This is the land of Ingmar Bergman, after all.)

"It is an active statement against Christianity," Bjorn Atldax told The Associated Press. "I'm not a Satanist myself, but I have a great dislike for organized religion." (Apparently, he hasn't gotten the word yet that Judaism, Muslim, Buddhism, Shinto and Hinduism are also organized. News must be a little slower over there...BTW, guys, we've also had a few people on the moon. Might wanna write that down.)

Atldax insists he has a purpose beyond selling denim: to make young people question Christianity, which he called a "force of evil" that had sparked wars throughout history.
Such a remark might incite outrage or prompt retailers to drop the brand in more religious countries. (Not to mention that just as many teenagers might not buy this brand because they don't fit right or the logo is ugly, or that many teenagers do their homework and are smarter than people give them credit for and LISTEN in history class. Religion has sparked wars, but so has demagogic behavior. There's nothing wrong with questioning...but he wants blind devotion for the sake of commercial success. Take a number, Mr. Atldax...Nintendo is way ahead of you.)

But not in Sweden, a secular nation which cherishes its free speech and where churchgoing has been declining for decades. (So what's the problem, then?)

Cheap Mondays are flying off the shelves at about $50 a pair. The jeans have also been shipped throughout Europe and to Australia, and there are plans to introduce them to the United States and elsewhere. (Now you MIGHT have a problem there, but that's life, I guess. You never know what people with disposable income will do or say.)

The jeans' makers say about 200,000 pairs have been sold since March 2004 — and note they've received few complaints about the grinning skull and upside down cross, a symbol often associated with satanic worship. (And the cross is MICROSCOPIC on the jean label. Besides, you can always cut the label OFF.)

Even the country's largest church, the Lutheran Church of Sweden, reacts with a shrug.
"I don't think it's much to be horrified about," said Bo Larsson, director of the church's Department of Education, Research and Culture. (So apparently the only one concerned about his artistic statement is the artist himself? Fancy that...)

"It is abundantly clear that this designer wants to create public opinion against the Christian faith ... but I believe that the way to deal with this is to start a discussion about what religion means." (Wow...I agree with that. I think it's a good starting point about religion and what it means to each individual. Some people's faith is stronger than a jean label.)

Other Christians, however, are calling for a tougher stance against the jeans.

"One cannot just keep quiet about this," said the Rev. Karl-Erik Nylund, vicar of St. Mary Magdalene Church in Stockholm. "This is a deliberate provocation (against Christians) and I object to that." (Well, I can see that, but if your faith is stronger than a jean label, it doesn't matter much. As I say, nobody can take away what you truly believe in your heart and soul except you.)

Nylund complained that Swedish companies don't treat Christianity with the same respect that they afford other religions. (Well, at least it's consistent.)

"No one wants to provoke Jews or Muslims, but it's totally OK to provoke Christians," he said.
Some buyers have ripped off the logo from the back of the pants, or even returned the jeans once they realized what the symbol means. But such cases are very few, according to the brand's creator, Orjan Andersson, who said he doesn't take the logo too seriously. (And if they're aiming for the punk-rock market, which I'm surprised is still around, then why on earth is there controversy?)

"I'm not interested in religion," he said. "I'm more interested in that the logo looks good."
Henrik Petersson, 26, said he picked up his first pair of Cheap Mondays a few months after they were launched because he liked their punk-rocker style and the logo caught his eye.
"I think it's a cool thing. It stands out from the rest," he said. "I haven't really reflected over whether there is an underlying message." (And you know what? Most consumers that will consider the jeans attractive won't either.)

Martin Sundberg, a 32-year-old co-owner of a clothing store in Stockholm's trendy SoFo district, said people shouldn't get upset over the jeans. (I guess...)

"It's just supposed to be a bit of fun, some kind of anti-culture," he said. (As opposed to uncle-culture?)

The jeans are selling in Norway, Denmark, Britain, the Netherlands and France. Andersson, the brand's owner, hopes to tap the lucrative U.S. market soon — and said he isn't worried the logo will hurt sales. (Probably not...I mean, how many years has the rumor gone around about Liz Claiborne's logo symbolizing lesbian ethics and supporting Satanic worship? Just as long as the jeans don't make my ass look fat...)

"Surely, most people understand that we are not evil people," he said. "My mom doesn't think so, at least." (And who's a better judge?)

Sudiegirl's final word?

I'll stick to the jeans I have, thank you...

OK, was it wrong for my 13 year old niece to tell me about Foamy the Squirrel and "Neurotically Yours"?

No funny picture on the post...but click on the title, and you'll be able to watch some funny Java animation about a goth chick, her pet squirrel, and lots of weirdness.

Enjoy, and I'll be back tomorrow with real stuff.

Sudiegirl

And now, from the "But is it art?" files and Yahoo! News

Sudiegirl sez: I’m one of those people that likes graffiti, although I do see the problems it can cause with urban blight. But, as Rodney King says, “Can’t we all just get along?” I mean, isn’t there a way to blend graffiti into the urban scene so it lends its own unique sensibility to the world? If Keith Haring can do it, other people should be able to.


Or am I just an overly-idealistic white girl from a small town that doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground…I will comment…you should read!

PlayStation Graffiti Ads Spark Controversy
By MARYCLAIRE DALE,
Associated Press Writer
Thu Dec 29, 6:23 AM ET

Sony Corp (NYSE:SNE - news). scouted out an unusual place to advertise its PlayStation Portable before the holidays: the side of an abandoned building in a gritty North Philadelphia neighborhood. (Interesting choice…did they ask permission? How does stuff like that work? Help me out here…)

The black-on-white graffiti shows wide-eyed cartoon characters riding the PlayStation like a skateboard, licking it like a lollipop or cranking it like a Jack-in-the-Box. (Other than licking the PlayStation, nothing weird so far…)

But there's no mention of the Sony or PlayStation brands — nor any hint the wordless display is an ad. (Well, jeez…there are plenty of commercials and print ads out there that are like that…what’s the big whoop?)

The stealth marketing campaign has popped up in San Francisco, New York and other large U.S. cities.
"It's all about hip-hop, urban and all that. They're just trying to get into the teenagers' minds," said Eddie Torres, 29, who works at a nearby furniture shop. "I think it's sharp." (I’d have to say I agree on that point, and pretty ingenious…subliminal, almost!)

Anti-blight advocates think otherwise.

"They're breaking the law," said Mary Tracy, who runs the Society Created to Reduce Urban Blight, a watchdog group that fights illegal or ill-advised billboards in Philadelphia.

Tracy said Sony ignored the zoning process that regulates outdoor commercial advertising in the city. (OK, I wanna know how they did that…did they stick their fingers in their ears and go “La, la, la – I’m not listening – la, la, la”?)

Philadelphia Managing Director Pedro Ramos on Wednesday faxed a cease-and-desist letter to Sony Computer Entertainment's U.S. division in San Mateo, Calif. He could seek modest fines allowed by city code or sue to recover any profit the ads produced. (Well, that answers the “Whether they asked permission” question previously posed. As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.”)

"My fines aren't going to scare Sony," Ramos said. "What will worry them is what the parents and their users will think. This really flies in the face of everything we've been trying to do with our anti-blight initiative." (The users probably won’t care either way…the parents – well, it depends on whether the graffiti affects them personally or not. It’s not the same as finding crack in your kid’s underwear drawer next to the condoms and a copy of The Advocate.)

The Sony division did not immediately respond to the letter or to a telephone message left by The Associated Press. However, Sony spokeswoman Molly Smith told an Internet news site earlier this month that Sony was hiring artists in seven cities — Atlanta, Los Angeles, Miami and Chicago were the others — to spray paint the pre-drawn designs. (OK, that’s cheating! They should have free-lanced it out to local artists to begin with…this is just TRACING! Now I’m mad.)

"With PSP being a portable product, our target is what we consider to be urban nomads," Smith told Wired News. (Now I’m hearing – in my head – Duke Ellington’s “Caravan” as sung by Lambert, Hendricks and Ross and imagining people riding around NYC on camels. “Night…and stars above are shining bright…”)

In San Francisco, the ads were defaced soon after they appeared as word spread that Sony was behind them. "Get out of my city!!!" and "Fony" were written on one. (Was that before or after “Paco Rules” was spray-painted on them in green spray paint?)

"I thought it was sneaky. Not cool," said Zan Sterling, who works at a bar near one of the ads, which has since been painted over. "I hope that they paid for the cleanup and removal." (Yeah, right…big corporation…paying for damages…that is going to happen about as fast as Brad Pitt comes to my home with the hot oil massages and his copy of the Kama Sutra.)

Critics and supporters agree the campaign is designed to crack through the clutter of marketing that pervades daily life. Others have criticized its visual appeal. (And the wheel of life keeps turning – amen. Can we go to lunch now?)

"They hired artists to just copy this same figure over and over, which isn't too creative," said 29-year-old Jake Dobkin, a New Yorker who writes for the blog Gothamist.com. (I’d have to agree with that…again, it’s tracing. Now if you’d actually work with the folks that create graffiti, treat them like artists, PAY them, and let them design things of their own, wouldn’t that be better? It gives them a sense of purpose, and it looks good for Sony because they’re using local talent to actually CREATE something instead of TRACING. But who the hell is going to listen to me?)

That matters little to North Philadelphia resident Leslie Griggs, 39, who said the Sony ad is an improvement over the handbills and scrawls it replaced.

"I don't think that's graffiti," Griggs said as she paused beside the PlayStation ad. "That's art."

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

I think this is one of those arguments that isn’t going to be solved in one day, but look at it this way…Keith Haring was a graffiti artist, and his work speaks for a generation of people. Maybe – if Sony is forward thinking enough – it can happen again.

I realize it’s wishful thinking, but why the heck not wish once in a while? We deserve to be able to do that.

Sudiegirl the ever-optimistic (yet vaguely cynical)
___
On the Net:
Sony: http://www.sony.com/
Society Created to Reduce Urban Blight: http://www.urbanblight.org/

PS: artwork from www.wmv-henning.de, www.artbrokerage.com,
www.hans-hanssen.de, www.stanford.edu, and www.txmx.de.

And now, from the "El Disgusto" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Ah, yet another gem from my home state. I’m really confused about why someone would do this, but then again, lots of things confuse me. I’ll do what I do.

Man Accused of Lobbing Urine Into Yards
Tue Dec 27, 5:54 PM ET

A Nebraska man has been arrested in central Iowa for allegedly delivering some unwanted Christmas gifts. Reno Tobler, 54, was arrested Thursday in Clive after police caught him lobbing urine bottles into backyards. (Gee, us Midwesterners know how to party, don’t we?)

"We've got a Grinch that has been lobbing urine," said Clive Police Chief Robert Cox. "Since this fall, we've had eight to 10 incidents reported where people have found containers full of urine thrown into their backyards." (Is “lob” really the correct phrase? I figure “chuck” or “toss” would work better, don’t you?)

Tobler is a truck driver whose route regularly takes him to the Clive area. He was charged with littering and harassment for allegedly tossing detergent-sized bottles of his urine over fences. (Apparently, you can’t just charge someone for being a sick puppy, huh?)

Tobler told police that it was a longtime hobby of his to deliver the bottles. Police searched his vehicle and found several other urine-filled bottles ready for delivery. (OK…anyone who says to me that Midwesterners are really together with no mental problems whatsoever, I’m gonna punch them in their big fat mouth.)

Tobler was taken to the Polk County Jail and was released on a $500 bond. (Ick. Hope he washed his hands before he shook hands with the bail bondsman.)
___
Information from: The Des Moines Register, http://www.desmoinesregister.com/

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?
I really hope this guy isn’t married, but if he is, I hope his wife leaves him soon. I mean really soon, like yesterday.

The New Original List of Unlikely Sexy Guys (all other previous lists are invalid)...

Well, I’m assuming by now you know that Sudiegirl is not made of stone. (I’m made of Diet Pepsi, Paxil CR, lithium, crayons, and Chubby Hubby ice cream, but NOT stone.)

Therefore, you also must know that in the past, I’ve kept a list of “unlikely sexy guys” on this blog. I have been greatly amiss in not keeping up with that authoritative listing, so now I will go ahead and update you wonderful people with who (in my mind) is both “off the beaten path” and “sexy” AT THE SAME TIME!

Take that, People magazine!

(OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER: BTW, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Christopher Kennedy Lawford are exempt from this listing because they are OBVIOUSLY hot. We’re looking at “off the beaten path” with a few ringers thrown in. Brad, George and Chris are the Holy Trinity of men I would select to give me rubdowns with hot scented oil. Oh, yeah, and Tom Jones would be singing to me.)

Unlikely Sexy Guy #1: Richard Thomas (John-Boy Walton, plus various tv-movie of the week roles, one-man Tennessee Williams stage show, etc.)

Richard Thomas…sigh…what can I say? I wanna touch that mole on the side of his face. I wanna make him blush. Oh baby, oh baby. He was the one reason I even tolerated “The Waltons” when I was a kid…all the rest of the boys in that family looked like Howdy Doody, but not John-Boy. He was hot. I wanted to make him forget his chores, you know?

Unlikely Sexy Guy #2: Paul Giamatti (“Sideways”, “Private Parts”, “American Splendor”, “Big Momma’s House”, many other supporting roles…Yale grad…)

OK, I hear you scratching your heads all the way over here…now listen…I put him down here for many reasons. One, he has pretty (and EXPRESSIVE) eyes. Two, he looks like a nice man. He’s played jerks before, but something tells me (his aura perhaps?) that he’s really not that way. I couldn’t handle watching “Sideways” for more than ½ hour because he really looked sad, and it was a realistic kind of sad, not a “Look at ME! This is my Oscar nomination right here!” It really broke my heart, and I had to turn it off. So could you imagine what kind of an effect he’d have on me in real life? Sigh…

Unlikely Sexy Guy #3 – or maybe it’s more likely than I’m thinking: Kevin Pollak (stand up comedian/actor…hottest role was as a court-martial lawyer in “A Few Good Men”…drool, drool)

Kevin Pollak. WOW. Why is he sexy? He is funny, and talented. That whole one-eye crossing thing kind of creeps me out, but it’s OK. And I love urban guys…that whole “wise-cracking East Coast guy” kind of thing. Oh boy. He is married, but I can still drool from a distance, can I not? (As long as his wife doesn’t beat me up, that is…) I know the first three guys out of the gate on this list are all actors, but ya know, I’m a performer on the side so I’m just automatically drawn to the entertaining element of life. Sorry folks. But back to Kevin…he’s sexy whether he’s in blue jeans, t-shirt and baseball cap or a dress uniform. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Unlikely Sexy Guy #4 – Ron “Tater Salad” White (Stand-up comedian, actor…gee, are we seeing a trend here?)

OK, another Sudiegirl secret…I like big, beefy guys as well as smaller guys. All of my boyfriends in HS (and my first college boyfriend) were big guys, and my poor old 5’8” dad asked me “why the hell I had to date boys big enough to eat hay?” What can I say, Dad? I like big boys. Doug is 6’1” and pretty big & muscular. Then…sigh…there’s “Tater Salad”.

He’s got that sly smile, like he’s lettin’ you in on the joke. He looks like the type of guy who would never talk you into doing anything, but somehow it would just happen anyway. You would wind up sitting in a jail cell with him going, “He didn’t look like a cop to me either!” In short, he’s a bad boy, and sometimes I like bad boys! (I’m not a scotch drinker, though, so his scotch is safe.)

And finally, our final inductee…

Unlikely Sexy Guy #5 – Gedde Watanabe (actor, voice-over artist, comedian…)

When I first saw Mr. Watanabe in “Sixteen Candles”, I knew in my heart that there was more to him than the unfortunate Asian stereotyping. Then I saw him in “Gung Ho” and other projects.

He’s a talented man, and not afraid to let his vulnerability show on camera.

He’s got a distinctive voice, and he’s cute.

Very cute.

Oh my God, he’s cute.

OK, that’s enough now….

So there you have it…the OFFICIAL, “all other collections are invalid”, “Real McCoy” list of Sudiegirl’s “Unlikely Sexy Guys”. This is the first in a brand new series, however, and more listings may follow. Or not. I guess we’ll just have to see, won’t we?

See ya…gotta wipe up all the drool.

Sudiegirl

(PS: photos from: www.cftexcellence.net, awards.fennec.org, www.leadingauthorities.com,
www.tatersalad.com, and www.lustreking.com. Enjoy!)

Why am I not surprised?

I took this test and figured out...

I AM GONZO!

Which Muppet are you?

Even more mangled headlines plus celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Oprah’s Jet Grounded After Striking Bird
(That’s it…no more TV or X-Box for a month!)







OK, I’m back among the land of the living, but still missing Dad. I guess that’s why I’m trying to be funny…in an attempt to cheer my grumpy ass up.

Oh well…

I think I will be presumptuous and make a few New Year’s Resolutions on behalf of some celebrities. I mean, after all, they’re so busy and I’m happy to help relieve them of their burdens. So on that note…

Ben Affleck: Resolves to make a good movie.

Garth Brooks: Resolves to take Rogaine (psst…Garth…they sell Rogaine at Wal-Mart! You have a discount, don’t ya?)

Trisha Yearwood: Resolves to make Garth take his Rogaine.

Michael Jackson: Resolves to…just hide in a bunker somewhere and not go to any more amusement parks or children’s hospitals. Oh, and eat real food and get a new nose.

Mike Tyson: Resolves to eat before a fight so he won’t be tempted to bite his competitor’s ear, and also resolves to look up big words before using them.

Paris Hilton: Resolves to just go to college and blend in like everyone else her age. She also resolves to get a pet that’s bigger than a breadbox.

Rosie O’Donnell: Resolves to stop pretending she’s a Broadway belter anymore and just go back to doing stand-up.

Anna Nicole Smith: Resolves to…I dunno…is “play in traffic during rush hour” too harsh?

Jeff Bridges: Resolves to do more nude scenes like he did in “The Door In the Floor”…oh my…that was really nice.

And finally...George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Chris Lawford: Resolve to come to my house and give me hot oil massages whenever I request…or is that too presumptuous, even for me?

There now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Sudiegirl the ever-helpful

And now, from the "Typical male behavior" files and Yahoo! News

Sudiegirl sez: I’ve done many stupid things in the name of love…or what I thought love was supposed to be. I guess I can see his point, but I’m too jaded. Pass the Cheetos and let me sit in my new chair and pout instead…oh, and snotty comments will begin…NOW.

British man on his hands and knees for love
(While reading this headline, think about how many times you’ve been asked to do the same thing. Chilling, no?)
Mon Dec 26, 2:10 PM ET

A British man is giving a whole new meaning to begging to be loved as he set off on a 55-mile (88.5 kilometres) crawl on his hands and knees to find a partner. (Not too different from a regular Saturday night at Hooters, is it?)

With a sign saying "Could you Love Me?" strapped to his back and 18 boxes of chocolates trailing behind him on string tied to his wrists and ankles, Mark McGowan began his unusual quest to find a girlfriend. (Not so unusual…I’ve seen men make fools out of themselves in the name of women many times over. This one just has props. Big whoop.)

His route will take him from the site of the Tabard Inn, in Southwark, south London, to Canterbury Cathedral, following the pilgrims' trail made famous in 14th century author Geoffrey Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales". (He’s literary, I’ll give him that.)

The 37-year-old performance artist, who said he is also hoping to raise awareness of people left lonely and isolated during the festive period, is hoping to complete the back-breaking task within 30 days. (Uh-huh. Something tells me it ain’t happening, and he’s spent all that money on candy. Something tells me he needs an event planner.)

"I can remember one Christmas I wasn't in a relationship and didn't want to spend it with my family. I ended up cooking two fish fingers. I'm sure a lot of people have had that experience," he said during a well-earned break en-route. (Wow…he cooks! That’s better than what I do…)

"Some people can spend Christmas in utter desperation and misery and find it difficult to cope with. I hope this encourages people to maybe invite someone over." (He does have a point…I mean, so much emphasis on love and romance is placed during Christmas, and if you don’t have a partner plus your family is far away, you’re stuck with macaroni and cheese and fish sticks. Not that I MIND macaroni and cheese and fish sticks, but you know what I mean…)

McGowan, from Peckham, south London, is no stranger to bizarre stunts or being so close to the tarmac: in 2003 he spent two weeks rolling a monkey nut with his nose seven miles to Downing Street to protest against student debt. (OK, what the hell is a monkey nut? Is it what I think it is? Poor monkey…sacrificed one testicle for the sake of performance art.)

Earlier this year he attempted to cartwheel 57 miles from Brighton to London to highlight the problem of people taking stones from beaches to decorate their gardens. He was forced to give up with a twisted back after four days. (NO! Say it ain’t so…again, he needs to do a little more research before these stunts.)

And in 2002, he rolled across London singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" in an attempt to get people to be nicer to cleaners. (Meanwhile, the cleaners are looking at him, going, “He’s bloody nuts!”)

On May 5 this year -- polling day for Britain's general election -- he planted 100,000 kisses on a laminated picture of Prime Minister Tony Blair. (Not necessarily a profound statement, however…maybe he’s just a stalker?)

McGowan is single. (Gee, can’t imagine why that is?)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

Suddenly, those personal ads I filed back in the day don’t look quite so bad.

PS: Image above from www.dmboyer13.com.

And now, from the "Wine and Bears Just Don't Mix" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Ya know, this reminds me of a happy Dawson family vacation story when Ruthi and I were wee sprites. We were driving through Yellowstone (as opposed to Jellystone), and someone announced through the PA system, “Would the car with Iowa license plates please refrain from feeding Oreos to the bears?”

My mom said, “Oh, someone else from Iowa is here!”

My father replied, “No dear, those are our precious angels in the back.”

Needless to say, we got busted. So read on, and I’ll do what I do. Proceed, y’all!

Grape-Eating Bears Are Trouble for Wineries
Mon Dec 26, 8:26 PM ET
Grape-munching bears have caused bunches of trouble in Northern California wine country. (Do they create these puns on purpose? They’re worse than ME!)

Some winery owners have summoned authorities to trap and shoot black bears — as well as wild pigs, deer, turkeys and mountain lions — that plundered their vineyards. The killings have sparked debate over the future of wildlife in the nation's most famous wine-growing region. (Well, if Francis Ford Coppola still has his winery up there, why doesn’t he do some kind of “Godfather” – type staged killing to send the bears a little message? I mean, what’s a horse head when it’s preserving the greater good?)

"Certainly for areas like Sonoma, Mendocino and Napa counties, vineyards are our largest group that is requesting depredation permits," said Eric Larson, deputy regional manager for the California Department of Fish and Game. (Depreciation permits? I dig that concept. Maybe I can file for one of those because I can’t fit into my skinny jeans anymore.)

With premium Cabernet grapes that can be produced only in mountainous regions selling for $5,000 to $7,000 a ton, vineyards have sprouted on slopes and ridgetops where animals make their homes. The state is required to issue extermination permits if property owners show evidence of damage caused by wildlife, Larson said. (So if some Hollyweird type has a party and someone breaks their antique Louis the whatever armchair, they can file an extermination permit and shoot whoever did it? Interesting concept, huh?)

Earlier this year, animal control officers caught and killed four black bears — two males and two females — at the Aetna Springs Vineyard in the rugged Pope Valley. Winery owner Paul Maroon said he had tried scaring off the bears, but resorted to getting rid of them for good because he feared they might hurt his field workers. (Whoa! Concern for the FIELDWORKERS? I’m in shock!)

"They damage the fences on a daily basis almost faster than we can repair them," Maroon said. "The damaged fences allow the deer to enter. The bear eat the grapes, as do the deer, and they both damage the vines, sometimes killing ... old vines." (Well, do the bears eat the deer? Does the cheese then stand alone?)

But some of Maroon's neighbors are outraged by the trappings. Ann Curtis, who runs a golf course down the road from the winery, called the controversy "wine for blood, life versus profit." (NO BLOOD FOR MERLOT!)

"To come into a wildlife area and then kill off the wildlife is wrong," said Curtis, who has lived in Pope Valley for 34 years. "I don't see much difference between throwing a sandwich out the window for bears in Yosemite (National) Park and inviting them to dinner here by putting grapes out for them to eat." (She does have a point…then again, I’m just a follower and have no mind of my own, y’know?)

Jerre Sears, owner of Black Sears Vineyards on Napa County's Howell Mountain, said all the growers he knows on the 1,800-foot peak shrug off the grapes they lose to bears and other wildlife as a kind of tax for doing business in hillside territory. (That’s logical to think so. Plus, are you going to argue with a black bear that weighs four times as much as you do, and can crush you with his jaws? I’m not…not even if I’m drunk.)

"We've had our vineyard for 20 years and we've had a bear in our vineyard every year," Sears said. "We feel it's just part of life, of nature, so we share." (I hear “The Circle of Life” playing in the background…thanks, Elton!)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?
Well, I don’t think you’ll find this much trouble with REAL QUALITY WINES like Thunderbird, Night Train, or Boone’s Farm Strawberry…

___
Information from: San Francisco Chronicle, http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle

PS: Images from www.toontracker.com, http://vegalleries.com, and
www.jellystonemammothcave.com.

And now, from the "Oh George, not the livestock" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: This post is dedicated to my long-time friend EW, who lives in Wisconsin, but is not a dairy farmer (that I know of). He actually was one person who inspired me to start this precious blog because we would send goofy news stories back and forth like this to one another and make comments about it. My friend Kandace S. would elaborate on things in much more detail, but she's not from Wisconsin. So EW, this post is for you, and I doubt you'll be able to eat cheese in the same way again.

Man Pleads No Contest to Cattle Relations
Fri Dec 23, 5:49 PM ET

A 64-year-old man has pleaded no contest to charges in Clark County Circuit Court after telling police he regularly had been using calves for sexual gratification. (Are there enough words in the English language to express the feeling I have right now? Actually, there's only one: EEEWWWWWWWWW.)

Harold G. Hart was placed on two years probation Thursday and ordered to have psychological counseling and an alcohol and drug abuse assessment after pleading to charges of sexual gratification with an animal and disorderly conduct. (Yeah, but what about the calves? Do they get therapy of some sort, or are they going to grow up into maladjusted bovines? Oh, no...now I'm thinking of the Far Side cartoon that has the weird looking cows and the caption "Where Beef Jerky Comes From". I'm going to hell, for sure.)

According to the criminal complaint, the family living on the farm Hart visited, installed a motion sensor because they had seen suspicious footprints and vehicle tracks. (Not to mention all the calves that were looking traumatized, or worse, satisfied.)

When the sensor sounded, Hart was caught leaving the barn. He later told police the farm was a routine stop, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville. (OK, I'd like to think that at this point in time, I kind of understand how men work. But I guess when a guy goes to a barnyard to have his way with a calf after sitting in a bar with tits and G-strings everywhere, I don't really get the connection. Either that, or else buy that strip club and fire all the strippers, then make it a Blockbuster Video or Starbucks.)

Hart told police he had gone to the farm at least 50 times in the last year, sometimes two to four times in a week. ("Oh, the cows all get prettier at closin' time..." I hope Mickey Gilley forgives me for that, but it was funny.)

Sudiegirl's final opinion?

So much for having sex till the cows come home. (Oh come on now! You knew that was gonna come in somewhere!)

Also, EW, this makes the Beltway look a lot more appealing, now, doesn't it?

Moooooooooooooooove along folks...nothing more to see here, till the next entry.

And now, from the "Does the warranty cover this?" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: I think I'm going to start the selection process early for this year's "Golden Toiletbrush Hall Of Fame" designations...for those of you unfamiliar with the process, that's what the archives are for. This truly takes the cake, and causes me to pose this question: What effect does Pepto Bismol have on fiberoptics and wireless service? Can you hear me now? Good...

Woman Swallows Cell Phone After Argument
Sat Dec 24, 4:24 AM ET

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. - A lovers' dispute over a cell phone ended suddenly when the woman swallowed the phone whole, police said. (They were probably wondering what else she could swallow whole, if you get my drift...Linda Lovelace, look out!)

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. Friday from a Blue Springs man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat. (Well, that'd do it. Unless it was one of those Motorola Black Razr phones...)

"He wanted the phone and she wouldn't give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it," Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. "She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn't get it." (She's truly a shining example of femininity, and also someone you don't want to get in the way of at all you can eat Rib night at Famous Dave's.)

Police said an ambulance transported the woman to St. Mary's Medical Center in Blue Springs. A hospital spokeswoman said she couldn't give details about the woman's health since police have not released her identity. (They're also scared of being eaten alive.)

Sudiegirl's final opinion?

Why does this sound like someone my first husband would like?

And now, from the "Note to self: DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO THIS SERVICE" files and Yahoo! News

Sudiegirl sez: Who would want this service? I really don't get it...and of course, I will make my thoughts known in my own inimitable fashion.


Mobile phones to announce 'you've been indicted'
2 hours, 54 minutes ago

SEOUL (Reuters) - South Koreans may look at their mobile phones with some trepidation in the new year because prosecutors will start telling people they have been indicted via text messages, an official said Monday. (So apparently you can't avoid it by setting your phone on vibrate? How about throwing it in the bottom of your purse? That's what I do...)

In a country where about 75 percent of the population carries mobile phones, prosecutors felt it was time to move away from sending legal notices on paper and send them electronically instead, said Lee Young-pyo, an administrative official. (So people can duck them quicker. Ah, good thinkin'.)

"Most people in South Korea have mobile phones and since the notices don't reach them immediately by regular mail, this is a more definite way for the individuals to know they have received a legal notice," Lee said. (Unless they employ the method explained in paragraph 1.)

The indictments by text messages are not intended to take people by surprise. "People will receive a text message of a legal notice only after they apply for the service," he said. (So if you're dumb enough to pay money for bad news instead of getting it free like everyone else, you deserve it!)

Prosecutors expect to save about 160 million won ($158,000) a year by shifting to the service and reducing the number of legal notices it sends through the mail. (Uh-huh. But how about all those office supply stores and stationers who go out of business, huh? Who cares about them? I do!)

Other notices that will be sent by text messages include information on fines and penalties. (Something tells me this would prompt me to give up my cell phone altogether.)

The service starts Tuesday but will be fully implemented in 2006. (Oh joy. I'll put it on my calendar.)

Sudiegirl's final opinion?

Hmmm...maybe I could spread the word throughout the states to cellphone users. Here's some samples...

1. yr frd (You're fired)
2. d bbz nt yrs (the baby's not yours)
3. jst wnt 2 b frnds (The ultimate in breakup text msg..."Just want to be friends")

Can you think of any? If so, leave them in my comments...

Sudiegirl the forward-thinking (but procrastinating)...

******Update: According to this article, a woman in Britain was actually fired by text-message. Needless to say, the wrl iz in @ tizzy.

(Don't feel bad if you don't understand my text speak; I don't either.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS! (Officially, that is...)

(Picture of Sudiegirl in her Santa hat from http://www.cel-ebration.com. Ain't I cute?)

And an OFFICIAL Merry Christmas entry from your favorite bipolar redhead. Life is good...I got a papasan chair for Christmas (you know, one of those round chairs that are made of bamboo or something and you can curl up like a boiled shrimp in them?) and Doug and I will go to brunch, then to church, then to a movie. Tomorrow I have a day off but he goes to work...life isn't fair sometimes...

Anyway, I'm holding up OK even though I'm still missing my dad. That's life, I guess, and things will slowly improve. My mom's spirits are good, and that's what's most important.

However, I have a feeling I'll have to leave Doug all snuggled up in bed and go to 7-11 for some Diet Coke and other necessities in a few minutes.

Bye!
Sudiegirl

Christmas Entry...yeah, yeah, I know...

Well, me hearties...another year has come and is almost gone. I wanted to sincerely wish everyone a Merry WHATEVER. Whether you're Christian, Jewish, or otherwise classified, everyone celebrates something this time of year so more power to ya.

We here at Rancho Sudiegirl (consisting of me, myself, I, and my two cats) have had lots of good and bad things happen, but through it all, this forum has been most supportive. I've made some good friends, and can get a lot off my chest around here.

To Jules, thank you for the swing set, but I get motion sickness. You'll have to take it back to Sears and get me something I'll USE. You're a sweetie though...smooches to ya.

To Ivy, I hope 2006 is a lot brighter for you, and us blog chicks will have to get together for a 'rita fest and bring along some Barbie and Ken dolls to abuse.

To Peter, well...I will just resolve to ignore you when you make me mad. Fortunately, that's not often.

To Spongie: I resolve to read your blog every day, and learn more Yiddish and Hebrew.

To Monty: Let me know when your daughter starts selling Girl Scout Cookies and I'll send you some $ for them.

To Monkey: GLAD YOU'RE BACK IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING...you were sorely missed in this blogworld of ours.

To Drunk Bunny, Ella Michelle, Carlos, and all the other friends I have made in Blogworld this past year: Thanks for reading, and for inspiring me to write more that others may read. You have no idea how much it's helped me knowing you (as well as the miscreants listed above) have come by to visit me.

To EVERYONE: Have a wonderful holiday season, and don't abuse too many Barbie dolls. You might start enjoying it...

Love y'all,
Sudiegirl

Another post dedicated to my dad, who thought toast should be its own food group...

If you click on the title, it will take you to the comedyhome.com webpage, which has Heywood Banks as one of their clients. Heywood is one of those comedians that, once you appreciate him, you always will. He'll never sell out on you!

"TOAST" (by Heywood Banks...)
All around the country and coast to coast,
People always say "what do you like most?"
I don’t wanna brag, I don’t wanna boast
I always tell'em I like toast…
Yeah toast!
Yeah toast!


(photo from http://hotelphoto.de)

I get up in the morning about 6 am,
Have a li’l jelly, have a li’l jam.
Take a piece of bread, put it in the slot
Push down the lever and the wires get hot
I get toast…
Yeah toast!
Ahhhhahh toast!
(Photo from http://www.toaster.org/)

Now there's no secret to toasting perfection;
There's a dial on the side and you make your selection!
You push to the dark or the light and then
if it pops up too soon, press down again and make toast...
Yeah toast!
(mumbling) toast!
(Photo from http://www.charleskaufman.com)

When the first caveman drove in from the dregs,
He didn’t know what would go with the bacon and the eggs.
Must’ve been a genius, got it in his head;
Plugged the toaster in the wall and bought a bag of bread..
and made toast!
Yeah toast!
Ugh hmmmmmmm (not sure what THAT means…)
(Image from http://www.firsttvdrama.com)

Oui oui, monsieur, bon jour croquette…
Uh huh croissant, Chevy Corvette,
Maurice Chevalier Eiffel Tower
Oui oui Marie, baguette bonsoir…
FRENCH TOAST!
FRENCH TOAST!
(Image from http://www.perkinsrestaurants.com)


In (city) or where the heck I am right now
Yeah toast!
Yea hey he hmmm....TOAST!
(Drawing from http://tell.fll.purdue.edu)



So Dad, if they let you read blogs in heaven, this one's for you...as are many others that I torment my readers with every day. I love you always.

Your Sudiegirl

And now, from the "Here Comes the Bride and her cadre of lawyers" and Yahoo! News

Sudiegirl sez: This subject appealed to me, so I thought I’d analyze it in my own unique way. Here goes…

Untying the Knot, Celebrity Style
By SANDY COHEN, AP Entertainment Writer
Tue Dec 13, 3:56 PM ET

LOS ANGELES - No mother-in-law sleepovers. Only one football game per Sunday. Mandatory sexual positions. With celebrity marriages often shorter than Jessica Simpson's Daisy Dukes, the power of the prenuptial agreement cannot be denied. (Personally, I’m against mother-in-law sleepovers too, esp. if it’s MY mother-in-law.)

Simpson and soon-to-be-ex-husband Nick Lachey didn't have a prenup — he actually had more earning power than she did when they got married three years ago — so Simpson could have to part with half of the $30 million she earned last year. That's a lot of Chicken of the Sea. (That’s a lot of buffalo too…)

Other recent breakups include Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen and Christina Applegate and Jonathon Schaech. Prenups are the norm for most stars — even regular folks should have one, if you listen to Kanye West — and these documents can dictate far more than who gets what. Attorneys say some recent celebrity prenups include (Oh, this should be good…):

• Limiting the wife's weight to 120 pounds or she must relinquish $100,000 of her separate property. (Obviously formulated by a man. Now do men have to follow the same rules – in proportion, of course?)
• Allowing a spouse to perform random drug tests, with financial penalties for positive results. (Now I can get behind this one, kind of…)
• Requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to his wife's parents. (If I’d done that to my second husband, he’d have had to declare bankruptcy about five times or so.)
• The previously mentioned rules regarding mothers-in-law, football and sex. (The only one I REALLY have trouble with is the sex one…but that’s just me and my inner prude.)

"Everything is legal unless you're dealing with custody of children or child support," said Los Angeles divorce attorney Robert Nachshin, who has represented Barry Bonds (his ex signed the prenup the day before their wedding) and author Terry McMillan (who discovered the young hubby who brought her groove back was gay). "Everything else is up for grabs." (Yeah, but just because it’s legal doesn’t necessarily mean it’s moral!)

So if Simpson had planned ahead, she could have limited Lachey's football-watching plus protected her "Dukes of Hazzard" and Dessert cosmetics dollars. (Well now, we all know that wouldn’t have happened…)

"People have their own little peculiar peccadilloes they're concerned about," said attorney Leon F. Bennett, who has represented Marlon Brando, Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper. "People of wealth have a sense they have power over others that their money can acquire, and reality shows it can." (I guess…)

High-profile prenups typically contain confidentiality clauses to keep them out of the public eye, Nachshin said. Even during divorce, many celebrities keep their arrangements private by hiring a retired judge to oversee the proceedings, said attorney Connolly Oyler, who has represented producer Sam Simon and Ali Landry . (I guess that’s why I wanna be a celebrity…so I can do things one step ahead of People magazine.)

Infidelity clauses are common, Nachshin said. Michael Douglas agreed to pay Catherine Zeta-Jones millions should he stray, and Denise Richards made similar requirements of Charlie Sheen. (Well, that explains the “romantic” reconciliation between Denise and Charlie!)

Custody of pets is another common concern. Bennett once handled a case that dictated the destination of a couple's taxidermied horse. Even gardeners, baby sitters and pool men have been addressed. (Oh man…arguing about a stuffed horse. Is that the height of lunacy or what? The judge should have pulled a Solomon in that case and just cut the sucker in half.)

Most states, including California, consider anything earned or bought after the wedding day to be community property that should be divided equally in a divorce. Prenuptial agreements — which are signed by both parties by don't have to be filed in court — can legally determine the distribution of almost anything the couple shared, from art collections to country club memberships. (Oh boy again…if it were D and me, we’d wrangle over DVDs, art supplies and books.)

But discussing the prenup isn't exactly romantic. (As Eddie Murphy said, "Tell us something we don't know, m**********r.")

"The problem is the implied distrust," said Jeremy Ritzlin, a longtime Los Angeles marriage and family therapist. (Well, YEAH! There’s a certain amount of distrust anyway when you’re approaching marriage. When my parents got married - before the ceremony - my dad was outside sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette and trying to figure out if he should just run away to Mexico.)

One of Bennett's celebrity clients was so worried about offending his future wife, he skipped a prenup in favor of financial planning to keep his pre-marriage property separate. (That makes sense…) Roseanne Barr was so in love with Tom Arnold before their 1990 wedding that she fired her attorney for suggesting she sign a prenup. When the couple divorced four years later, Arnold left with $50 million. (Yeah, but did he use any of it to settle up the bills for the big mansion they were building in Ottumwa, Iowa? HELL NO!)

Britney Spears was reportedly so taken with Kevin Federline that she refused to sign a prenup until her mom and business managers intervened. (Probably one of the smarter things her mother did…as opposed to the boob job Mommy authorized.)

"They may be blinded by love and lust," Bennett said, "but they still need to be protected." (So prenups equal condoms? That explains the lack of romance factor. Perhaps pre-nups should be ribbed for his/her pleasure?)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

Tell me again why I wanna get married…if celebrities have this much trouble, what about some little nobody like me?