Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Even more mangled headlines plus celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Oprah’s Jet Grounded After Striking Bird
(That’s it…no more TV or X-Box for a month!)

OK, I’m back among the land of the living, but still missing Dad. I guess that’s why I’m trying
to be funny…in an attempt to cheer my grumpy ass up.

Oh well…

I think I will be presumptuous and make a few New Year’s Resolutions on behalf of some celebrities. I mean, after all, they’re so busy and I’m happy to help relieve them of their burdens. So on that note…

Ben Affleck: Resolves to make a good movie.

Garth Brooks: Resolves to take Rogaine (psst…Garth…they sell Rogaine at Wal-Mart! You have a discount, don’t ya?)

Trisha Yearwood: Resolves to make Garth take his Rogaine.

Michael Jackson: Resolves to…just hide in a bunker somewhere and not go to any more amusement parks or children’s hospitals. Oh, and eat real food and get a new nose.

Mike Tyson: Resolves to eat before a fight so he won’t be tempted to bite his competitor’s ear, and also resolves to look up big words before using them.

Paris Hilton: Resolves to just go to college and blend in like everyone else her age. She also resolves to get a pet that’s bigger than a breadbox.

Rosie O’Donnell: Resolves to stop pretending she’s a Broadway belter anymore and just go back to doing stand-up.

Anna Nicole Smith: Resolves to…I dunno…is “play in traffic during rush hour” too harsh?

Jeff Bridges: Resolves to do more nude scenes like he did in “The Door In the Floor”…oh my…that was really nice.

And finally...George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Chris Lawford: Resolve to come to my house and give me hot oil massages whenever I request…or is that too presumptuous, even for me?

There now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Sudiegirl the ever-helpful