More hilarious t-shirts

http://www.counttrackula.com/tracker/link/2/35



Remember back in November when I found some REALLY funny t-shirts? I found more of them. Here ya go, peoples...






This one's one of my favorites...GOTTA have more cowbell. I think when I retire I'm going to play cowbell with a bar band. That'd be productive, don't you think? Then people would WANT me to play louder!








The assessment here seems to be harsh - I mean, after all, where does experience come from in the first place?






As a musician, I heartily endorse the accurate portrayal of Mr. Beethoven; however, the drawing fails to document the crazed look in Ludwig's eyes stemming from syphilis. Oh well...can't have everything.

Something tells me ol' Screech wishes this slogan was true. Maybe if it was, he wouldn 't have to sell t-shirts from a website to pay for his house.

Sorry folks - you know me - I gotta share!

Enjoy...and remember...MORE COWBELL!!!

Sudiegirl

Two more funny things for the weekend

If you click on the title, you'll be directed to Lady Raptastic's fabulous blog, as well as her podcast. Her blog is REALLY funny, but I want to share one more thing with you.


http://www.dabreakupsong.com


This website actually creates a customized breakup song for you. It does cater to women, and the site doesn't really know what to do if you have an alternate spelling for a name (i.e. "Erik" instead of "Eric"). But the end result is so TOTALLY worth it.

What is that end result, you ask?

A customized breakup song that is e-mail ready, so you can send it right off to the victim while the hatred is still fresh in your mind. What could be better?

I'm not sure right yet, but when I figure it out, I'll let you know.

Until then, spread the love, my little apple fritters!!!

Sudiegirl

PS: Sorry for sounding like a commercial, but trust me, this is really funny. You could spend all day doing this! I'm not sure if there's a version for men out there...if there is, though, I'll probably start getting some suspicious e-mails my own bad self. So I guess I'd better just lay low...:0)

And now, from "Pumping for Justice" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Well…hmmm…what can be said about this case that hasn’t already been said? Well, a lot, actually. I regret not being there in person to witness the judicial weirdness, but I guess this is the next best thing to being there. On with the frivolity, folks!

Awkward moments abound in penis pump trial
(Well, that goes without saying, doesn’t it?)
By SHAUN SCHAFER, Associated Press Writer
Wed Jun 28, 2:32 PM ET

Serving on the jury in an indecent-exposure trial unfolding in this conservative Oklahoma town has been a giggle-inducing experience. (I’d have to say I agree. I mean, COME ON! This is something out of “Picket Fences” or The National Enquirer. The fact that this is REAL makes it all the more SURREAL, you know what I mean?)

Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others. (SEE? Mentioning the charge in and of itself is enough to – at the very least – make you shake your head and smirk. This can give a stand-up comedian fodder for at least two weeks!!!)

Over the past few days, the jurors have watched a defense attorney and a prosecutor pantomime masturbation. (My questions? #1: were these lawyers male or female? #2: Were they miming this correctly?) A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his sexual performance. (See, I’m giggling like a fourth-grader right now because of one word – “lengths”. You know, I’m identifying more and more with Beavis and Butthead all the time.)

The white-handled sexual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing. (I would have been carried out of the jury box because I would DEFINITELY fall on the floor laughing. That’s not necessarily a good indicator of my judicial responsibility and respect for the system, now, is it???)

The jurors sometimes exchange awkward looks and break into nervous laughter when the testimony takes a lurid turn. (I’d love to be a fly on the wall in the jury room, though…)

Thompson, 59, is charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. If convicted, he would also have to register as a sex offender, and his $7,489.91-a-month pension would be in jeopardy. (Would Judge Thompson get to take his penis pump with him to prison? He could rent it out to lonely convicts as long as they wash it out when they’re done. That could be his cash “cow” right there.)

Thompson's former court reporter, Lisa Foster, wiped away tears as she described tracing an unfamiliar "sh-sh" in the courtroom to her boss. She testified that between 2001 and 2003 she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times. (That’s about fourteen more times than I could tolerate, but I understand why she had to stay on her job. You have to put up with a lot to stay employed sometimes. What a weird world it is when it comes down to having to make a decision between unemployment and looking at some guy’s wanker all day.)

"I was really shocked and I was kind of scared because it was so bizarre," said Foster.
She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather. (Oh man. That is totally disrespectful. And has anyone ever wondered if this judge is partially deaf? I mean, couldn’t he HEAR his pump action? Everyone else in the courtroom seemed to.)

The grandfather "was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump," she said. "It was sickening." (Not to mention distracting. And I’m sorry, but I have to ask…would the court reporter’s transcription have to include the “sh-sh” sound? I mean, I’ve read depositions before, where someone’s testimony is recorded word for word, and it includes incomplete sentences, pauses, etc. Maybe I’m just reaching…)

The allegations came to light after a police officer who was in Thompson's court heard pumping sounds and took photos of the device during a break in the proceedings. (OH man…that information would have been hard to keep my mouth shut about if I were around a friend of mine. I must admit, if I saw that device, I would react with a mixture of repulsion, embarrassment, and humor. GOD! THIS is proof that lawyers need to have psychological testing along with the bar exam.)

Thompson took the stand in his own defense, saying the device was a gag gift from a longtime friend with whom he had joked about erectile dysfunction. He said he kept the pump under the bench or in his office but didn't use it. (So then what was the “sh-sh” sound? His thighs rubbing together? That’s almost as gross as the pump.)

"In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away," he said. (No, in 20-20 hindsight, you should have taken it home, THEN thrown it away. I’m sure people look in the dumpsters by the courthouse for incriminating things, and a penis pump would definitely qualify.)

The R-rated testimony has produced occasional outbursts of laughter and surreal scenes. A man who once served as a juror in Thompson's court testified that he never saw the device, but figured out what it was based on movies he had seen. (So then that means he actually SAW one, just not live and in person. And I’ve seen some of those movies too – some of them have Ron Jeremy, but none of them have strong plots or character depth.)

The comment sent sidelong glances through the courtroom. (Wonder if there were any “EEEEWWWW” sounds?)

"It sounded like a penis pump to me," Daniel Greenwood testified. He said he had seen such devices in "Austin Powers" and "Dead Man on Campus." (Where was the penis pump in “Austin Powers”? I remember Dr. Evil talking about shaved testicles but I don’t remember the penis pump.)

Dr. S. Edward Dakil, a urologist called as an expert witness, repeatedly prompted laughter from the jury when discussion turned to the penis pump. Dakil defended use of the device after defense attorney Clark Brewster said it was an out-of-date treatment for erectile dysfunction. (I’d have to say so, and besides, that’s not the right way to take Viagra. Wonder if they have Viagra enemas?)

"I still use those," Dakil testified.

Brewster paused.

"Not you, personally?" he asked.

"No," Dakil responded as jurors laughed. "I recommend those as a urologist."

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

Oh, where do I START???

Again, the state of Oklahoma is very lucky that I’m not on that jury. I would not be able to keep my dirty mind in check if that information was waiting for me in the courtroom day to day. I do give high praises to the lawyers who can keep straight faces during all this, as well as the judge presiding over this case.

However, when this case is through, I would recommend a vacation for them all, simply staying at home and getting all those dirty jokes and double entendres out of their systems. It’s for the greater good – otherwise they might explode from all those pent up jokes and puns.

But Judge Thompson may want to rethink the penis pump rental thing – he could earn back his lost pension that way, I’d wager.

Enterprisingly yours, and with a dirty mind to boot,
Sudiegirl

PS: The guilty verdict is in, according to www.thesmokinggun.com. If you click here, the link will take you to the webpage announcing the sentence. I'm not going to tell you - that would just spoil the surprise.

I've got sunshine, rainbows and vitriol everywhere...whoo hoo, happy Thursday

I saw this little gem on the 'net today. While I work hard to be positive in this world, I think there can be such a thing as TOO MUCH POSITIVITY. You know what I mean? There has to be an equal balance of sarcasm and sunshine. Read below to see what I mean.

Is your life a daily response to random events with no common theme OR are you part of a beautifully constructed plot?

Sometimes we all get too closely connected to the day-to-day bump and grind of life.
It's so important to occasionally step back, gain perspective, and dive into the mystery.
Here are some techniques and ideas to inspire the plunge:

OK - I'll give 'em that much. But you know what?

There is more than one way to plunge.

You can dive in gently, like a lone, early-morning swimmer enjoying the first chill of the morning as the sun rises over the horizon and the morning birds sing their sweet songs.

OR...

You can cannonball and splash all surrounding sunbathers and old ladies who are reading the final chapter of their Harlequin romances. They will curse your very existence, but you're laughing all the way back to the locker room.

I prefer to cannonball. For example...here's the first one.

1. Recognize that whether by master stroke or pure chance, there is great intelligence in the universe.

Fact: A single human cell measuring 1/1,000 of an inch across contains instructions within its DNA that would fill 1,000 books of 600 pages each (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now)

Can't deny that, can you? Of course not, because it's SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!

However, consider this: if there is great intelligence, there is also great stupidity. Can't have yin without yang.

Examples? Oh sure!

There's the yutz you're standing behind at the bank who is depositing $100 in pennies and has forgotten his account number and all forms of ID except for the fact that he wrote his name in his underwear. (HIS mama must be proud.)

There's the woman on the phone who's called YOU at WORK to schedule something, and none of the times you have available work for her because, quote, "you know, I work". I've ranted about this before in this beautiful tome, but it's still relevant. In other words, I want to say, "Ya know, you bimbo, I work too! YOU CALLED ME AT WORK! Whatever you're inhaling right now is entirely too strong. Better cut back."

There's the parents that take their child to an R-rated movie.

Their child asks questions throughout the movie - "Mommy, why are they naked? Daddy, why did they shoot each other in the face? Mommy, how come Robert DeNiro can say the "F" word and I can't?" Makes you want to shove the $5.00 glass of Diet Coke you bought in the child's mouth and then set fire to the parents. (Ooh...that's a little dark even for me. Sorry folks.)

Finally, there's the scrawny, pasty goth-ish teenager working at Barnes & Noble's audio/video section who doesn't really give a tinker's damn about customer service. In fact, they don't know where anything is except (SURPRISE) Korn's latest album. Great. Just what I need...thanks, Skippy.

2. Minimize resistance.

“Nothing on earth can overcome an absolutely non-resistant person.” – Florence Shinn

If that's true, why are there so many cemeteries?

3. Spend time in nature.

“Genius learns from nature.”- Oscar Wilde

Actually, I don't have much of a problem with this. However, what about the person who doesn’t learn from nature? Aren't there some things that should come naturally as opposed to trial and error? You know, like: "Note to self: Do not feed Oreos to the bears at Yellowstone National Park. They are bigger than you and consider you an appetizer." I mean, we wouldn't have weird news items if people didn't do stupid things with wild animals. I live for stuff like that!

4. Be patient with your struggles and challenges.

“Infinite patience yields immediate results.” –Wayne Dyer

Well, other things yield immediate results too...

examples:

**washing your car brings on a rainstorm

**a Saturday night of debauchery concluding with at least one other person in your bed immediately results in an early Sunday morning call from your mother asking if you're going to church

**one scoop of ice cream means your favorite jeans won't fit

**leaving the garbage open one night results in your cat puking RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEDROOM DOOR because her tummy can't tolerate two slices of cheese pizza...the list goes on.

4. Free the mind from daily routines.

“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free the mind.” –Bob Marley

Keep in mind, folks, that Bob Marley smoked wacky weed. So technically, none but ourselves and the nice drug dealer down the street can free the mind. I can't comment on the right and wrong of it...it just IS.

Actually, other things free the mind as well - Chubby Hubby ice cream, pizza, beer, trashy celebrity biographies, and other things not listed here.

However, sometimes "freeing the mind" can be confused with "boring". Know the difference.

5. Smile…everything is evolving just as it should.

“Sometimes joy is the source of your smile but sometimes a smile is the source of your joy.” –Thich Nhat Han

And sometmes Joy is a dishwashing liquid that makes dishes so clean you can see yourself. :-)

In closing, try to be happy without being a simp. If you keep a careful eye on the world, you're liable to laugh your ass off, and THAT will make you feel better.

Sudiegirl
(who delights in the foibles of others)

Wimpy Wednesday, Impending Doom and Public Service from Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc.

Mullally nabs rights for "Strange" pic
(yes, but when will her voice be altered so it doesn't whine as annoyingly as it did through all the seasons of "Will and Grace"?)

Company comes up with hybrid hamburger
(great - yet another thing I won't eat. As the t-shirt says, "If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?")






Well, Wednesday is here once again, and Sudiegirl has fun-fun-plans this evening. Yes, my future father-in-law is coming to visit. If anyone has a dentist who gives anesthetic-free root canals, I think that would be more fun than this. I just can’t get used to the man. He is devoid of a sense of humor, and he talks like he’s reading cue cards. AAAAAAAAAAA! What will your favorite bipolar redhead do? Not a whole hell of a lot, I’m afraid, besides eat salad quietly and suppress every urge to strangle him.


Well, so far only Hoss has contributed to the Sudiegirl Manifesto. If you recall, my first three entries were:

1. Gripe, moan and complain about everything that doesn’t jibe with my way of thinking.
2. Eat copious amounts of junk food.
3. Watch lots of Cartoon Network and Boomerang.

Well, Hoss has contributed three more:

4. Buy a cell phone with annoying ring tones.
5. Be always right.
6. Be nevr wrong.

I knew there was a reason I liked him. :0)


Anyway…whilst spelunking around the Internet, I found a very interesting new website: Sploid. Yes, a whole website devoted to bizarre news items from around the world, and presented in a very reactionary, tabloid manner. The headline that grabbed me today was: "Baby Jesus' Insurance Cancelled".

Now you’d think “Big Ernie” (as Hoss, Jules and I call him) would have a little more street cred as far as underwriting goes, but apparently not in Scotland.

Anyway, go visit this lovely site, and revel in the sensational.


Also, yesterday’s entry (located right below this one, in fact) sparked a creative fire in me. If you’re lazy and don’t want to take the 2 seconds it would cost you to scroll down, yesterday’s entry dealt with a paranoid suburban high-maintenance housewife turned author who thinks that the latest incarnation of Superman is a “deadbeat dad”.

Your old pal Sudiegirl is not without sensitivity to the slings and arrows of life.

Therefore...in an effort to help this author come up with more ideas to help children deal with the cruel realities of life (not to mention assisting in the expansion of many child psychotherapy practices across the country), the staff here at Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc. has come up with more titles for these (pardon me while I swallow back the bile) “Help! Mom!” books.

So without further adieu…here are more social dilemmas to address in "Help! Mom!" children's books:

1. Help! Mom! A Skinny Blond Lady with Shaky Credentials Is Trying To Brainwash Me, And She Won't Eat Anything Without Puking It Back Up! (Granted, the cover will have to be big, or small font, or something.)

2. Help! Mom! I Can't Figure Out the Parental Control on the Cable Box Remote!

3. Help! Mom! I Spent All My Money on Marijuana and Now I Can't Afford To Pay Rent! (this is for the older child/college student type)

4. Help! Mom! Axl Rose Bit Me and I Haven't Had My Shots!

5. Help! Mom! Star Jones Reynolds Wants To Show Me Her Wedding Photos Again!

6. Help! Mom! Michael Jackson Wants To Be My Nanny!

7. Help! Mom! Britney Spears Wants Me To Listen to K-Fed's New Album!

8. Help! Mom! Grandma Went To See the Biggest Ball Of Twine in Minnesota, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!

9. Help! Mom! My Chewing Gum Lost Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight!

10. Help! Mom! Everyone's Making Fun Of Me Because You Write These Stupid Books, And Now I'm Scared of Dryer Lint and Peanut Butter Because Of You!!!

Yes – Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., where our company motto is “What the hell are YOU looking at?”

It’s all for the greater good. Well, I must ramble on and find other people to make fun of and chastise in general.

Smooches to all!
Sudiegirl

And now, from "This broad needs to take water aerobics instead of writing insipid children's books" files, and PR WEB

Sudiegirl sez: You know, just when you think it’s safe to go outside, some yahoo ruins it for everyone else. This kind of stuff wears me out, you know? Thank goodness I don’t have kids, otherwise I’d really be angry. Angry at this author, that is – I could NEVER be angry at Superman.



Superman Becomes an Enemy of Family Values, Claims Kid's Author
1 hour, 25 minutes ago
Los Angeles, CA (PRWEB)
June 27, 2006 --

Superman is set to return to movie theaters nationwide this week, but is this latest incarnation of the quintessential American hero an enemy of traditional values? With millions of children nationwide eagerly anticipating the new Superman film, this is the question being asked by the author of a popular series of kid's books. (You know, Dr. Seuss was never this problematic! Even if he had statements to make about the environment or whatever, he could make it entertaining and rhyme the hell out of it.)

Katharine DeBrecht, author of the picture book “Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper” (Kids Ahead; hardcover: $15.95; ISBN 0976726912), warns that the movie “Superman Returns” appears to undermine traditional values. (I’d worry more about how the hell a whole city got in one kid’s hamper.) Early reviews of the film -- which have generally been positive -- have stated that Lois Lane has a child out of wedlock and that the five-year-old boy might be Superman's son. (Oh my – let’s not mirror society, then, shall we? You know, some people have been productive, successful and happy in spite of being – GASP – born out of wedlock. It’s not the best way to be, but it’s better than abandoning them out of shame. THAT would be a bad example to follow.)

“Liberals in the media and classrooms are already making it hard for parents who believe in traditional values to pass on those morals to their kids,” says DeBrecht, a mother of three. “Now it looks like Superman will also be working against us. (Ah – blame the fictional characters, right? Why not yell at comic book artists for creating unrealistic body images? Because it’s easier to complain about a fictional character? How many kids even grasp what “out of wedlock” means unless their parents tell them?)

Reports indicate that not only does the movie imply that Superman and Lois Lane had a child together, but it also has Lois engaged to another man, causing Superman to compete for her affection.” (Personally, I always thought Lois Lane was a simp. Give me Wonder Woman any day as an example of a strong super-heroine!!!)

“Portraying Superman with an out-of-wedlock child and potentially breaking up a family is completely unnecessary,” adds DeBrecht. (Oh, but it’s OK for him not to take responsibility as the biological father of said child?)

“Warner Brothers is marketing this movie to children. It has dozens of toy, clothing, cereal, and fast-food tie-ins. But parents taking their children to see this movie need to be ready to talk with them about it, because Lex Luthor is not the only bad guy in this script.” (Wow…you mean Mr. Mtzyplyk is in it too? I will have to go see this.)

This is not the first time that author DeBrecht has taken on the opponents of traditional values. Her debut book, “Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed” (Kids Ahead; hardcover; ISBN 0976726904), garnered national attention last fall for its portrayal of Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy as cartoon villains who fight against the American Dream by taxing and regulating a lemonade stand run by two young brothers. (Oh God. I’m gonna have to run over this woman soon.) The illustrated book hit #1 on the Barnes & Noble website while also drawing fiery criticism from a long list of liberals, including Alan Colmes, Ron Reagan, and Hillary Clinton's press secretary. (Notice Ted Kennedy didn’t complain. Maybe because it’s the most positive media attention he’s received in recent years?)

This spring, DeBrecht unveiled “Hollywood's in My Hamper,” an illustrated book which uses look-alikes of Barbra Streisand, Tom Cruise, Britney Spears and Madonna to teach kids not to emulate the celebrities they see on television and in the movies. And with Superman fathering kids and trying to break up engagements, will Clark Kent join Babs and Britney in future “Help Mom” books? (Well, that all depends – will Babs have stage fright? Will Britney divorce Kevin and be forced to work in a Waffle Hut?)

“Superman used to stand for truth, justice, and the American way,” adds DeBrecht. “But parents need to beware because evidently director Bryan Singer has turned the Man of Steal into a deadbeat dad.”

(No, darling – a deadbeat dad is one who doesn’t pay child support. If you’re not told about a child’s presence in the first place, how does that make you a deadbeat? Second, he wants to create a family unit and do the right thing, but someone beat him to the punch. And by the way, if your head is a li’l fuzzy because you forgot to eat your Wheaties, let me remind you of one thing.

SUPERMAN IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!!

You may want to write that down.)

BTW: here's all the PR stuff if you're interested in contacting this company for more information...

About Kids Ahead:
Kids Ahead is an imprint of Los Angeles-based World Ahead Publishing, the West Coast's leading publisher of conservative books.

Visit http://www.helpmombooks.com to learn more.
Contact Information:
To interview author Katharine DeBrecht, contact Kids Ahead at (310) 857-6836. # # #
World Ahead Publishing
Judy Abarbanel
310-857-6836
Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

You know, this world is so annoying. Everyone has an agenda. Maybe that’s my problem – maybe I’m just out of step because I have no agenda. Well, OK…I’ll start creating one.

Here are a few items for the Sudiegirl Manifesto (fancy name, huh?)

1. Gripe, moan and complain about everything
that doesn’t jibe with my way of thinking.
2. Eat copious amounts of junk food.
3. Watch lots of Cartoon Network and Boomerang.

That’s a good start, don’t you think? If you have other ideas for my manifesto, please leave them in the comments section.

And remember, super heroes are NOT REAL. Even though they may have a pretty decent sex life, they’re NOT real.

A dilemma for our times - truly...

As a person whose grandparents all lived well into their 90s or early 100s, I can certainly understand the problems when seniors still insist on driving when they really shouldn't be.

Let me first get to the humor part of this entry.


Here are the top ten ways to tell your favorite senior citizen (parent or otherwise) it's time to stop driving:

1. The most obvious one: "Stop driving."

2. "OW! You've run over my (select body part from the following: arm, hand, foot, leg, solar plexus, pelvis, ribcage or head)!"

3. "No, Dad...this is the living room. The driveway is about 10 feet to the left and there aren't any flowered curtains around it."

4. "Uh...that's the ditch...and that's the other ditch...and that's the neighbor's mailbox. No, no...I'm not finding fault with you. I'm just pointing these things out because I thought you'd take some interest in them."

5. "No, that's not Angela Lansbury. That's a lamp post. And yes, they DID stop filming "Murder She Wrote" over five years ago!"

6. "Would you please turn Paul Harvey down? I don't want to hear "The Rest of the Story" and neither does the nice state trooper."

7. "So you told the adjuster that you were trying to mix up your Metamucil while driving to the Red Hat Society meeting? Great..."

8. "No, no...I didn't really want that bay window anyway. It looks much nicer with a Buick parked through it, don't you think?"

9. "No, the key doesn't go there...not there either...keep going..."

10. "I think there's a Matlock marathon on TBS...you might miss the episode with Don Knotts!" (This would be a distraction technique, BTW...)

Anyway, I can honestly say that both my parents were/are good drivers. I'm not sure how they came up with me as a child since I set my high school's record for stalling out a clutch car the most times at one stop sign. However, I have driven the New Jersey Turnpike and the Beltway since then, so I think I've proven myself quite well.

I don't really remember when Grandpa Dawson stopped driving, but I remember Grandma's slow demise.

I hope people will get the next reference I'm making - if not, too bad. My grandparents had a 1969 Buick LeSabre (I think...), and it was huge. You could have hauled the defensive line of the Chicago Bears in it and still have room for groceries. Anyway, it was kind of scary when Grandma would get behind the wheel.

Why?

Because she was a little under 5 ft. tall and could barely see over the steering wheel. It was like a scene in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" where this old lady was driving a HUGE car, and she could barely see over the dashboard. The car, meanwhile, was all over the place. That's how Grandma looked when she was driving, but actually, she held out for a while. She didn't drive very far from home, but she could drive to town for groceries and such.

That changed when I came home for my first summer from college. That summer was full of change - I felt like I was more grown up, going to summer school at the University of Iowa. I had a boyfriend that seemed like he was going places, etc. I never really thought about how time changes for other people too.

This was in the summer of 1988, when she was 86 years old.

Look at those numbers. Eighty-six. DAMN! I was already an "oddity" to many of my friends because not only did I live next door to my grandparents, but they were also ALIVE. They could hold conversations...they knew who you were (although grandkids do blend into one big lump of a grandchild and you have to peel away the layers), and they could do a lot of things on their own.

I don't remember much about the incident (as far as when it happened - time of day, weekday or weekend), but I remember she missed the driveway and went into the ditch. I saw the aftermath, but I didn't see the actual incident.

But for Grandma, that incident changed everything.

Grandma was going through macular degeneration, a malady that robs you of your eyesight very slowly. It's a very cruel disease. She gradually lost the ability to read, and even cook for herself and Grandpa over time. The driving incident happened but we could do nothing to bring back her sight. We could only help her learn to live with the condition as it worsened.

It brought down her spirit sometimes, but she managed. As a nuclear family, we did the best we could to help them out - Dad did the most, followed by Ruth, Mom and me. Grocery store trips, doctor visits, outings, and other journeys were more carefully planned than they used to be. The spontaneity was gone as the years progressed, so we could be there for Grandma and Grandpa if they needed anything.

As far as my other two grandparents...my Grandma DuVall never learned how to drive. I'm not sure why, other than it was a control thing on my grandpa's part. Grandpa DuVall's life WAS cars, but oddly enough, he tried to be more careful about his driving when his eyes started to fail him. Toward the end, he depended on people to drive him everywhere as well.

I guess I can see both sides - on one hand, as you get older you want to hang on to youth as much as you can. You want everything to be as normal as possible. You don't want to admit that you're old. All of us feel that way as we age.

But on the other hand, I know I would feel terrible if my vanity and stubbornness hurt someone else. It's a hard compromise, but one that everyone has to seriously look at during their lives.

Meanwhile, what's that life preserver doing hanging off of Grandpa's antenna?

Sudiegirl

The dog ate my rough copy, and congratulations to Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban!

Congratulations to Nicole Kidman on her recent marriage to a normal guy.

She deserves it. She also deserves full custody of their two children since Tom has his genetically engineered child with Katie "I'm not brainwashed, really" Holmes. Hope she has a happy life!

I'm sorry I haven't written, y'all...I'm not sure what was up with that, other than I've been busy and...OK...men, leave RIGHT NOW if you don't want to read the rest of this.

OK...gals? Still here? Let's go, then...

Yep...the crimson tide has come in. And here are some other euphemisms for it, while I'm feeling up to sharing them:

• "Trolling for vampires" (my personal favorite, besides "crimson tide")
• "Riding the Cotton Pony"
• "Aunt Mavis" (insert another maiden aunt-sounding name if you feel "Mavis" doesn't hack it)
• "The Monthly Bill" (because sometimes they do come early)
• "That not-so-fresh-feeling"
• "Hell" (short, sweet, to the point)

I hate this part of womanhood. It's so not fair.

I mean, do guys have anything like this to contend with?

NO. Impromptu boners and wet dreams don't even come close because gradually, they go away as you get older and control the urges.

The crimson tide comes every month, lasts for five days, and the time preceding it is filled with bloating, tender breasts, mood swings, greasy hair and unexplained phenomena of that nature.

Did I mention the uncontrollable cravings for chocolate and salty things? How about the near-animalistic behavior if one is unfortunate enough to stand between the pre-menstrual woman and the Hershey bar?

Here's a story for you if you think I'm bluffing: One man I know is still waiting for his prosthetic arm because he was innocently opening a bag of Reeses' Pieces in front of his girlfriend.

It took the paramedics two hours to pry her jaws from his shoulder, and the ambulance driver set the speed record for going 100 miles/hr. to the nearest 7-11 for the necessary supplies to divert the female - namely Pringles, an economy sized bag of M&Ms, and Dove ice cream. It was all for the greater good.

Think about it...during that special time, the woman you know as your sweet, amiable spouse/girlfriend/sister/mother/niece/aunt (or other significant female in your life) goes thorugh this behavior. You have it easy. Don't EVER forget that. If you do, you will be kidnapped and forced to watch a double feature of "Steel Magnolias" and "Pretty Woman" with a group of pre-menstrual women that have run out of chocolate and Kleenexes.

OK guys, you can come back now...

Anyway, it's been rainy, drizzly, humid, and otherwise summerish here, and nothing new.

My mother has returned from her trip out west...and there were no calls from the FBI while she was gone so I assume things went well.

One thing I found out this weekend? They're CANCELLING my other fave TV dramedy on cable - yep, "HUFF" was sent to the ratings guillotine.

This is so unfair. Shit like "AI' and "The Surreal Life" stays on the air, but good quality TV like "Huff" gets the axe. The season finale is tonight, and something tells me these folked filmed the episode without knowing they were going to get the "big hook".

Oh well, that's life, I guess. At least I'll have "Big Love" to come back to. If there are any "Huff" fans out there, go to The Internet Movie Database, and the bulletin boards for "Huff" therein. They have a link to the petition put together by one fan to save "Huff". I'm not sure how much good it'll do, but hey...that's what this country is all about, right?

Well, that's all I have to say at the moment - gotta go curl up like a boiled shrimp and fight cramps.

Bye!

Sudiegirl

A walk down blog-memory lane - a "prettified" re-broadcast from October '04.

Here’s a blast from da past that I thought you might like. Click here if you’d like to read the OLD, BORING, NON-EXCITING entry, or scroll down to read the NEW one. WOO-HOO!!!

_______

(NOTE: This is a question I posed to my sister in October ’04, and the discussion that ensued is below. The regular font shows my responses, and my sister’s responses are in italics.)

Who would win in a fight...the Pillsbury Doughboy or Mr. Peanut?



The peanut is tougher, no doubt, and since he is a nut, he is unpredictable, but even a little pasty fat boy with a bad hat should be able to whoop ass on someone with a monocle and spats. But, even taking into consideration the stick, the shell and the hat I think the big PDB could "flob" him and the fight is over.

Well, the peanut is older, that's for sure, and maybe since he's dressed so stylin', he's got friends who could take out the "Flour Boy" without a problem. Plus, what if the PDB is allergic to peanuts?

That's why God made Benadryl. He can put on a scuba tank and wrap himself in plastic wrap. He could also lure him into a food processor with a good beer (ya know, peanuts and beer?) then jump out and push the button. Peanut, peanut butter, JELLY!

Very unique...you've been thinking about this, haven't you? However, it would also be noteworthy if Mr. P had a gluten intolerance or an allergy to processed flour. So far, the PDB is winning this one...

Despite the fact that the Big PDB has a voice that makes him sound like he should be hanging out at a bus station, let's face it, a peanut is a peanut. It can only get so big, but PDB and all his buddies can get together in a batch and flob him. (*NOTE: "flob" is a Dawsonian term, meaning someone throws their entire body weight on top of another person, then rolls around to make sure all bones are broken beyond repair. This method is usually employed by our mother whenever she would want to annoy us.)

Let's see...who would his buddies be? (Actually, we may have to divvy them up between PDB and P-Man...)




1. The M&M Guys

2. The Hamburger Helper hand (that only has 4 fingers)
The AFLAC Duck
The GEICO Gecko
The Taco Bell Dog
The RCA Victor Dog
Buster Brown and his dog
Cap'n Crunch
King Ding Dong
Twinkie the Kid
Spuds McKenzie
The "Dude, You're Gettin' a Dell" Guy
The "Whazzup!?" Guys
Morris the Cat
King Vitaman
The Budweiser Frogs
Charlie Tuna
Mother Nature from the old "Chiffon" commercials
The thief and his dog from the Cookie Crisp commercials
Michael Jackson (Why? He's not real either)

Mother Nature would whoop ass on all of them. Because, with one wave of her hand she could...

The AFLAC Duck would eat the M&M guys and the GEICO Gecko.

Morris the Cat would eat Charlie Tuna.

Michael Jackson would eat Twinkie the Kid, because it isn't made of real food.

The"Dude, You're Getting a Dell" Guy and The "Whazzup!?" dudes would get drunk with Budwiser Frogs.

Cap'n Crunch...well you know how sailors are.

King Vitamin would declare Dog Fight Day for his royal entertainment, and The Taco Bell Dog would get eaten by the RCA Victor dog and Little Nipper.

Then the Cookie Thief's dog would steal the Victrola and run away causing the theif to become bereft and run off to a monestary.

Spuds McKenzie would miss the whole thing because he was drunk with the Dell Dude, Whazzups and the Frogs.

Buster Brown would go to Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson and then Mother Nature would leave with King Ding Dong and The Hamburger Helper guy would go along to lend a hand.