And now, from "Pumping for Justice" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Well…hmmm…what can be said about this case that hasn’t already been said? Well, a lot, actually. I regret not being there in person to witness the judicial weirdness, but I guess this is the next best thing to being there. On with the frivolity, folks!

Awkward moments abound in penis pump trial
(Well, that goes without saying, doesn’t it?)
By SHAUN SCHAFER, Associated Press Writer
Wed Jun 28, 2:32 PM ET

Serving on the jury in an indecent-exposure trial unfolding in this conservative Oklahoma town has been a giggle-inducing experience. (I’d have to say I agree. I mean, COME ON! This is something out of “Picket Fences” or The National Enquirer. The fact that this is REAL makes it all the more SURREAL, you know what I mean?)

Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others. (SEE? Mentioning the charge in and of itself is enough to – at the very least – make you shake your head and smirk. This can give a stand-up comedian fodder for at least two weeks!!!)

Over the past few days, the jurors have watched a defense attorney and a prosecutor pantomime masturbation. (My questions? #1: were these lawyers male or female? #2: Were they miming this correctly?) A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his sexual performance. (See, I’m giggling like a fourth-grader right now because of one word – “lengths”. You know, I’m identifying more and more with Beavis and Butthead all the time.)

The white-handled sexual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing. (I would have been carried out of the jury box because I would DEFINITELY fall on the floor laughing. That’s not necessarily a good indicator of my judicial responsibility and respect for the system, now, is it???)

The jurors sometimes exchange awkward looks and break into nervous laughter when the testimony takes a lurid turn. (I’d love to be a fly on the wall in the jury room, though…)

Thompson, 59, is charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. If convicted, he would also have to register as a sex offender, and his $7,489.91-a-month pension would be in jeopardy. (Would Judge Thompson get to take his penis pump with him to prison? He could rent it out to lonely convicts as long as they wash it out when they’re done. That could be his cash “cow” right there.)

Thompson's former court reporter, Lisa Foster, wiped away tears as she described tracing an unfamiliar "sh-sh" in the courtroom to her boss. She testified that between 2001 and 2003 she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times. (That’s about fourteen more times than I could tolerate, but I understand why she had to stay on her job. You have to put up with a lot to stay employed sometimes. What a weird world it is when it comes down to having to make a decision between unemployment and looking at some guy’s wanker all day.)

"I was really shocked and I was kind of scared because it was so bizarre," said Foster.
She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather. (Oh man. That is totally disrespectful. And has anyone ever wondered if this judge is partially deaf? I mean, couldn’t he HEAR his pump action? Everyone else in the courtroom seemed to.)

The grandfather "was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump," she said. "It was sickening." (Not to mention distracting. And I’m sorry, but I have to ask…would the court reporter’s transcription have to include the “sh-sh” sound? I mean, I’ve read depositions before, where someone’s testimony is recorded word for word, and it includes incomplete sentences, pauses, etc. Maybe I’m just reaching…)

The allegations came to light after a police officer who was in Thompson's court heard pumping sounds and took photos of the device during a break in the proceedings. (OH man…that information would have been hard to keep my mouth shut about if I were around a friend of mine. I must admit, if I saw that device, I would react with a mixture of repulsion, embarrassment, and humor. GOD! THIS is proof that lawyers need to have psychological testing along with the bar exam.)

Thompson took the stand in his own defense, saying the device was a gag gift from a longtime friend with whom he had joked about erectile dysfunction. He said he kept the pump under the bench or in his office but didn't use it. (So then what was the “sh-sh” sound? His thighs rubbing together? That’s almost as gross as the pump.)

"In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away," he said. (No, in 20-20 hindsight, you should have taken it home, THEN thrown it away. I’m sure people look in the dumpsters by the courthouse for incriminating things, and a penis pump would definitely qualify.)

The R-rated testimony has produced occasional outbursts of laughter and surreal scenes. A man who once served as a juror in Thompson's court testified that he never saw the device, but figured out what it was based on movies he had seen. (So then that means he actually SAW one, just not live and in person. And I’ve seen some of those movies too – some of them have Ron Jeremy, but none of them have strong plots or character depth.)

The comment sent sidelong glances through the courtroom. (Wonder if there were any “EEEEWWWW” sounds?)

"It sounded like a penis pump to me," Daniel Greenwood testified. He said he had seen such devices in "Austin Powers" and "Dead Man on Campus." (Where was the penis pump in “Austin Powers”? I remember Dr. Evil talking about shaved testicles but I don’t remember the penis pump.)

Dr. S. Edward Dakil, a urologist called as an expert witness, repeatedly prompted laughter from the jury when discussion turned to the penis pump. Dakil defended use of the device after defense attorney Clark Brewster said it was an out-of-date treatment for erectile dysfunction. (I’d have to say so, and besides, that’s not the right way to take Viagra. Wonder if they have Viagra enemas?)

"I still use those," Dakil testified.

Brewster paused.

"Not you, personally?" he asked.

"No," Dakil responded as jurors laughed. "I recommend those as a urologist."

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

Oh, where do I START???

Again, the state of Oklahoma is very lucky that I’m not on that jury. I would not be able to keep my dirty mind in check if that information was waiting for me in the courtroom day to day. I do give high praises to the lawyers who can keep straight faces during all this, as well as the judge presiding over this case.

However, when this case is through, I would recommend a vacation for them all, simply staying at home and getting all those dirty jokes and double entendres out of their systems. It’s for the greater good – otherwise they might explode from all those pent up jokes and puns.

But Judge Thompson may want to rethink the penis pump rental thing – he could earn back his lost pension that way, I’d wager.

Enterprisingly yours, and with a dirty mind to boot,
Sudiegirl

PS: The guilty verdict is in, according to www.thesmokinggun.com. If you click here, the link will take you to the webpage announcing the sentence. I'm not going to tell you - that would just spoil the surprise.