I LOVE DA NEWS!

I think you all have figured out that many of my ideas come from the news. Not just ANY news...but the news that refuses to be taken seriously. Usually, I just mangle headlines by taking away any sense of seriousness, but not today.

Nope.

There's just TOO much inspiration out there today - maybe it's the heat or something; I dunno.

Let's go, folks!

First of all, let's get the seriousness out of the way.

Mako passed away at age 72 from esophogeal (sp?) cancer. He's one of those actors that has remained busy yet wasn't always in the public eye.

Among his accomplishments: a Tony award nomination in the 70's for "Pacific Overtures", and an Oscar nomination for "The Sand Pebbles" (worth watching to see a young Steve McQueen and a young Candice Bergen).

However, he was also a co-founder of one of the top Asian-American theater troupes in this country, called The East West Players. He played an important part in creating a place for Asian-American actors in this country to celebrate their heritage and their craft.

The best thing about him, in my eyes? He lent his voice to a great animated show on Cartoon Network called "Samurai Jack". His character was a shape-shifting demon. He lent so much power to that character, but he also had a sense of humor as well - there's one episode that' s quite humorous where he refers to his "great flaming eyebrows", and the way he delivers that line is classic.

So RIP, Mako - and thank you for your contributions to film and theater.

(And cartoons...)

OK...on to the silly/smartass stuff.

In the "Can I Still Be The Top Hat?" Department...

The British version of Monopoly uses a Visa-imprinted debit card instead of the play money.

Great...more ways for me to get confused.

Has anyone out there ever finished a game of Monopoly? I've tried - really, I have. It's not a bipolar/quasi - ADD thing; I just don't get my jollies from real estate sales. If you have ever finished a game of Monopoly, let me know - I need to know if the butler did it.

Now Trivial Pursuit - that's a different story altogether. There's so many editions of it, my head just can't take it. I'll have to challenge my sister the next time I'm home.



Next, from the "Where are they now?" department...

In an entry from December 2005, I noted an article about a woman who swallowed her cellphone. You can find the original entry here.

Apparently this case has gone to trial. You can read the article in full here, but the gist of the whole thing is this:

The prosecution says that the man was angry and jealous when he forced her cell phone down her throat. He is being charged with first degree felony assault. (I thought he'd be fined by the FCC as well, but they must have been busy with Janet Jackson or something.)

The defense states that the woman swallowed the phone so the man couldn't find out who was calling or who she was trying to call. What makes this case even more stupid is that the woman had three times the legal limit of alcohol in her system. So apparently, she has a history of other things going down her throat without her knowledge, ya think?

After that dignified story, let's move on to innovations in the automobile accessory industry, shall we?

In the "I Think I Dated Him" department... this product is also from Britain.

(GOD I love that country...)

His name is "Buddy on Demand". (Note...inflatable man on left is NOT the product. However, he's a cutie, no?) He's a blow up doll that sits in the passenger seat of your car...it's supposed to make women feel more comfortable when driving alone at night. When deflated, he fits in the glove compartment. (I've wanted to put many men in my glove compartment - this is like a dream come true!!!)


To quote the article...82 percent of women feel safer with someone sitting in the car beside them and nearly a half don't like driving alone in the dark.

Hmmm...if I had a "Buddy on Demand", what would I make him do?

1. Hold my purse
2. Give the finger to fellow motorists
3. Hold my McDonald's take out (do you see a pattern here?)
4. Hold a sign saying, "For a good time dial BR-549"

Pretty impressive, no?

OK...to my female readers...question time...if YOU had an inflatable man in your car, what would you make him do?

(Note to Jules: keep it clean, darlin'...well, at least not filthy enough to get me arrested, at least...)

On the religious front, this is from the "Boomerang Bible" department...according to the Christian Science Monitor, a Good News Bible is sold in Australia that is written in the "Strine" slang (as in g'day mate, sheila, etc.)

I think my favorite selection that the article features is this one: the 23rd Psalm, AKA "The Lord Is My Shepherd". To quote the article: In "More Aussie Bible," Psalm 23 is reconfigured as "a bush ballad" that begins: "God is the station [ranch] owner, and I am just one of the sheep. He musters me down to the lucerne flats, and feeds me there all week."

Apparently, this is not a brand-spanking-new trend. There's also a translation done in "text-message", and one for surfers.

I'm all for spreading the Word if that's your calling, but I guess I have just one question - does this mean that Jesus and his disciples went on walkabout?

Finally...another NEW AWARD from the good folks at Rancho Sudiegirl, where our motto is, "Whataya mean I can't get this at the sale price?"

This one honors Marshall Crenshaw and a favorite song of mine:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the "I'm Sorry, But So Is Brenda Lee!" award. This award is for someone who makes a public apology that you KNOW won't be accepted. Still, ya gotta give 'em props for trying.

Here is the award:

Today's recipient: PETER COOK. You may go here and here for the complete story, but here is the condensed version, listed below.

Distinction: Peter Cook is married to Christie Brinkley, one of the most beautiful women on the face of this planet. (I'm hetero, but Christie is indeed gorgeous - you can't really deny it - unless you're Billy Joel and you had to pay her alimony or something...)

Award Winning Act that he is apologizing for?: Screwing around on his wife with a 19-year-old woman. NINETEEN. Keep this number in mind.

Judge's comments: Forgive me, and correct me if I'm wrong again, but Christie Brinkley would indeed be considered "hot", correct?

OK. If that fact is established, why on EARTH would Peter Cook forget about her in favor of a nineteen-year-old intern? Yes, the intern is technically "legal" in the sense that Cook won't be arrested for his dalliance. However, what would have come of things in the long run? Something tells me that Mr. Cook awoke from his haze and figured that out. So HOW does he attempt to win her back?

Two little words: "I'm SORRY."

Uh - excuse me? No, please.

When you dump the steak for a hamburger, forgiveness is nice to ask for, but it's not something she'll probably give you.

You need to just take your lumps on this one. If she DOES take you back, she'll never trust you in the same way, so why cause more pain? If I'm wrong, fair readers, please tell me how.

I know - the Christian thing to do is forgive. But as I said in a previous post, "You can forgive a dog for biting you, but that doesn't mean you have to go into the dog's yard anymore."

So Peter, there goes your cover girl...you'll just have to go to the mall to find your next one. Sorry...

And finally, because we're NEVER in short supply, YET ANOTHER inductee for "The International League of Buttheads".

Today's Inductee: Donald Ray Bilby

Reason for distinction: Sent five letters demanding authorities deposit $20K in his county jail inmate account because he needed the money for bail. These letters contained bomb and anthrax threats. However, he included his full name and inmate ID number.

Quote from article:
"I think it's fair to say we were not dealing with a great criminal mind here," U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie said in a statement. Gee, ya think?

And with that, I must be off to thank "Big Ernie" that I was not dropped on my head as a child (that I know about, anyway...)

Sudiegirl