The last month of 2009, and here's what I have to say about that and other things...

Wow...tempus fugit, as they would say back in the day.

Where did 2009 go? Unfortunately, most of it went by in a haze of self-preservation while I was in my undesirable position, but things did get better.

Now I'm having mixed feelings about singing. I've been singing since I was a wee squab, and I'm wondering if now's the time to just sing for me as opposed to singing at church and with the big band. I like how the church choir sounds, but my voice has changed so much I'm not sure I can sing "seriously" anymore.

As far as the big band is concerned, I can sing those songs in my sleep, and maybe that's the problem. They've brought in some new music that I like, but there are still so many things that are stale, or just plain frustrating to deal with.

For example?

At the end of every gig, the manager pulls out this song called "The Party's Over". It's a dreary song that is supposed to remind folks that --GASP-- the party is indeed over.

The arrangement is plodding at best, and there is a part for clarinets that sounds like a cat being run through a lawnmower backwards. I know of a few people in the band that despise the song, but they don't want to speak up and suggest something else because it would be out of the realm of comfort if they did.

We have other tunes that we could use to close the night up, including a vocal..."I'll Be Seeing You". Where does he put "I'll Be Seeing You"? In the middle of the set. He's an idiot. Granted, he's the idiot that shows up early and sets up all the chairs and the sound equipment and I'm grateful for that, but there are so many other things he goofs on, it's frustrating. I don't want his job, though...I guess I'm an "armchair manager".

I don't know why I feel this way...I guess it's just scary to actually hear my range go away and fear that I'm going to be one of those church choir ladies that can't carry a tune in a lead-lined bucket with a lid. I can't afford coaching, and I don't necessarily want to give up my jazz/pop sound for strictly churchy/classical stuff. I want to be versatile, but is that possible with age? I'm not as old as some but I am older than others, and I don't want to lose my love for singing. But when I can't even hit notes that were no-brainers 10 years ago, well, something's rotten in Denmark.

Maybe I'm thinking about it TOO MUCH? Maybe I should just let go and let God or whatever the saying is? I'm not sure.

As far as church choir is concerned, I'm just not sure it's right for me anymore.

So many things irritate me about organized singing groups, and to be honest, there's strong singers in there and I am not needed. Doug gets exasperated with me, and wants me to come back to it. I just don't want to. I get up early enough during the week, and sometimes when I stand for long periods of time I get light headed. I know they all sound like excuses but I believe they are warranted, and I am tired of my reasons being brushed off like they're nothing. They're NOT nothing to me.

I like the director well enough, but he can be kind of pushy and I don't like that either - too many reminders of high school days and a director that took took took and never gave back. So there's that too. It's one thing if I audition for a solo and get it...it's being TOLD that I'm doing a solo and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't like that...in fact, it downright pisses me off. No matter how many compliments he throws at me, I just cringe inside waiting for the time I need support in another matter in my life and it just isn't there.

So YEAH, I'd say I have some mixed feelings about singing these days.

I wish I had an answer to these dilemmas, but I don't. I guess that's why I write in this dear blog, in case an answer comes up by surprise.