Friday, November 09, 2007

OK...sorry I'm late...the dog ate my post...wait, I don't have a dog...*whew*

I don't think I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel with this topic...really, I don't...but I've been really STUMPED as to what to write this week. I mean, I'm only 38 and don't have that many random facts about myself that I want to talk about.

I did stumble upon a disconcerting thing in cyberspace, however...the Archie Comics website.

Yes,'s hard to believe, but Archie and all his pals from Riverdale and towns around this mecca of have NOT died from senior-citizen type maladies of any kind, even though in real life they'd be in their 70s or 80s. Apparently, Riverdale USA is where Ponce de Leon found the legendary "fountain of youth". Screw that Florida theory.

First of all, let's talk about the "gang of three", the above-entitled (by me) "Stud Squad of Riverdale High".

We have Archie Andrews (top left)...the man who's constantly torn between two lovers (or more, depending on whether or not interlopers from other towns come visit Pop Tate's). In real life, he'd be considered the poster boy for ADHD. He's always in trouble with Mr. Weatherbee, Miss Grundy, or other adult authority figures. As the decades pass, however, one thing about Archie doesn't change...his hair. His hair has stayed the same for about...what...60 years or so? He could wear paisley pants or acid-washed jean jackets, but he still has those two pouffy bang-things in the front of his head, the hair parts up the middle and he's got those cross-hatching lines on the sides of his head. Is that a gang thing or what?

Forsythe P. "Jughead" Jones (center) was called a "woman-hater" in his early days. Apparently, this is not acceptable anymore. The official Archie comics website states that, quote: "He's been known as a 'woman-hater', but this is not exactly true; he just avoids complicated Archie-type situations." I kind of liked it better when he was called a woman me crazy (many have). Heck, I knew many guys growing up who were more into food than women. Once they figured out many women were good at cooking the food, they woke up, but till then, you might as well leave them in the potato chip aisle at the supermarket.

Then, dear Reginald "Reggie" Mantle lights up the right side of the "stud squad" sign. The Archie website states that he and Archie are rivals STILL after God-knows-how-many years in every way. Reggie's hair still contains more oil than your average Shell tanker, so thank God some things in this world are consistent. If one were a real cynic...say, like could quip that "If one was to look up the word 'conceited' in the dictionary, the picture beside it would be of Reggie Mantle ." Oh well, at least he's oblivious to the fact that most everyone in his never-ending high school class hates his guts.

Let's bring out the babes, now, shall we?

Betty and Veronica show no signs of menopause or hormonal imbalances of any sort. No little "girl mustaches" on these spider veins...NOTHING to show the women of this world that they are anything different than the li'l school-spirit filled pixies of yesteryear.

If the Archie comics website is to be believed, Betty Cooper is good at EVERYTHING. She can sing, make her own clothes, overhaul most any car engine, and cares about the environment. Oh, and she plays the tambourine...she must be channeling Stevie Nicks on that or something. Plus, one significant note...she's still blonde after all these years. Either that, or she's "johnny on the spot" as far as keeping her roots touched up.

Veronica Lodge? Two words: Rich. Bitch. She has money, brains, and piano skills (plus apparently a major waxing job, based on the skirts she's wearing these days. Yowza.) . The Archie comics website states that she wants to run her father's company someday...but nobody's really determined what that company does, have they? Hell, he could be running drugs in Colombia or maybe sponsoring a meth lab in the cabana by his Olympic-sized swimming pool. Money-laundering, counterfit Spongebob Squarepants lunchboxes made with lead-tainted paint...the sky's the limit at Lodge Enterprises. And Veronica wants in...those Brazilian wax jobs aren't cheap, ya know.

But as the girls' web-pages proclaim, they are both really impaired in this respect...they're both hot for ARCHIE.


He's a winner, all right...abysmal grades, problems with authority figures, not even a working car half the time....what a prize to take home. What is IN the water in Riverdale that these two women deemed "hot" by the populus of Riverdale (except Jughead, of course) fight over ol' Muffin-head? At least Reggie acts like a stud...he probably has some S&M apparatus in his room and soft porn videos starring Strawberry Shortcake and Daphne from "Scooby Doo". Archie just moons all over the place, treating Betty like dirt and allowing Veronica to tattoo "welcome" on his chest and stomp all over him afterwards.

Personally, I think that Betty and Veronica should just dump the whole Archie idea.

Betty should hook up with Dilton Doily because he's probably got this humongous man package that he has no idea what to do with. Once she's schooled him on the ways of tender yet sensual love making, she can make all his clothes and they can make like Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates and buy Bolivia or something.

Veronica and Reggie deserve each other. They've probably been playing "hide the salami" for years and years anyway. I think that Reg and "Ronnie" should just hook up permanently and sell junk bonds or be televangelists or something. After all, Veronica can play the piano and Reggie can sing, right? It'd be Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker all over again...with a Brazilian wax job.

I know this leaves ol' Arch (the eponymous hero of this strip) in the cold, but them's the breaks. He could hook up with...oh, I dunno...Big Ethel? They took away her overbite and don't call her "big" anymore, so maybe he's got a shot. Besides, they could always do role-playing, like "the Amazon and the Eunuch". Oh my...the image that just shot through my mind is not a pretty one. NOT AT ALL.

Don't even get me started on whether Miss Grundy and Mr. Weatherbee should be either dead or collecting on their pensions. Apparently, they can't afford either one because they're still workin'. And Ms. Grundy's hair hasn't changed a bit.

To answer your question...yes, it is pathetic that I worry about those crazy Riverdale folks...but hey, it's a dirty job and someone has to do it. That someone might as well be me.