Thursday, November 15, 2007

Let the Christmas Stupidity Begin!

Let me just start by saying that here at Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., Christmas is one of those holidays that are approached with mixed feelings by the staff.

And speaking of staff...before we go too much further, I'd like to introduce a NEW member of the Rancho Sudiegirl staff.

Meet "Iggy"!

Iggy is the newest member of our happy li'l family. This photo is actually his Rancho Sudiegirl ID picture...the li'l stinker wouldn't hold still for the camera. I must say, I have a pretty darned good grip for a fat girl from Iowa.

Iggy will be an integral part of our operation, but for right now he serves as a doorstop/paperweight until we can find the Staples credit card again. Methinks Chelmsford got scared of it and buried it in the backyard. Either that or Millie went on a bender, bought $100 worth of highlighters, tried to blame it on Chel, and then the card got buried in the backyard. Either way, it's not to be found.

So anyway...WELCOME IGGY!

Now, back to the "mixed feelings about Christmas" thing.

Let's face it...I'm cool with the whole "celebrating the birth of my savior and lord Jesus Christ", AKA "Big Ernie's kid". I get misty over a nativity scene as much as the next person, and I enjoy my share of sacred Christmas carols (especially "Angels We Have Heard On High"...gotta love the descant!).

However, where there is joy there is also...yes...stupidity. And it's starting early this year. So break out your bean bag chairs and Cheetos, y'all. Here is the first official "Christmas Egg-Suckin' Dog" award for the yuletide of '07.
Today's Yuletide Egg-Suckers are: an unidentified employment recruitment firm in Sydney, Australia.

Reason: Asking St. Nick to alter his presentation dialogue. To quote the article:

Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One anonymous Saint Nick proxy said that he was warned about the "ho ho ho" line for two reasons:
  1. scaring kids
  2. possibly accusing passing women of sexual promiscuity.
An American staffing company (Westaff...who actually employed yours truly for a short time in the '90s) was noted in the article thusly:
A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.
(BTW...I'm not sure, but methinks that Westaff is the recruitment firm in question in the land down under, but the wording in the article is quite vague.)

Meanwhile...Julie Gale, a spokesperson for Kids Free 2B Kids (a social campaign against the sexualizing of children), said three simple words that make all the sense in the world: "Leave Santa Alone."

Judge's comments:

First of all...Thanks, Imus. I think all the collective volunteer Santas around the world should beat you with their red sacks chock full of heavy gifts. Way to screw up the Santa lexicon, bozo.

Apparently, whatever mystery staffing company is in charge of Sydney's Santas is a little bit uptight. Yes, it is important to know that words and phrases can mean different things to different peeps. But COME ON!

Unfortunately, for every saintly Santa, there is a sleazy one. In fact, one of my favorite Yuletide movies has GOT to be "Bad Santa". Billy Bob Thornton certainly epitomizes anything and everything that can go wrong if you don't properly screen potential Father Christmases for sociopathic tendencies. I could see ol' Billy Bob smirking at some pretty young thing in a short skirt saying, "Ho ho ho" so sleazily you can see the slime dripping off of it.

(slight pause while I shudder...there, that's better...)

But maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. After all, one of the mottos here at Rancho Sudiegirl is "We live to give". (Another one is "Don't bogart the Oreos my friend..." but I'd be digressing.)

Therefore, I propose this idea...I think a handbook should be created updating potential Santas on what words and phrases might get them slapped and/or arrested. I think I'm going to call on some of my blogfriends to help me too.

Here's what's needed:

1) an inspiring foreword
(Mighty Dyckerson or Tyler Durden could help me out with this, right?)

2) illustrations
(Ed H., can you help with this one? After all, your "Portrait of a Syphilitic Clown" is a classic for the ages...)

3) contributors of words and phrases: anyone who wants to.

The key requirements? Well, the words should be:
  • Yuletide oriented
  • Blatantly Offensive OR
  • Double Entendres
4) hints on delivery of said words/phrases: I think this is where I step in with my vast experience in dealing with sleazeballs. I may get extra coaching from my good friend Mr. Fabulous...after all, he's the man as far as demonstrating how to eat a banana with yogurt in front of a homophobe. And how could I forget Hoss? He's the man as far as dung beetles are concerned and he doesn't like the current President...why not? (Besides, Hoss can do this while he's convalescing...)

5) general guidance and good wishes: Aw gee...again, anyone who wants to offer up stuff of this nature is sure welcome. As far as who I can pick on? Let's see...both Beckys (Becky 1 and Becky 2), Karla, ExEverything, Merujo, and Pointmeister are good to start with, but if you wish, please offer yourselves up as sacrifices, dear readers.

I think the title will be "Sudiegirl's Guide to Santa Slurs and other Offensive Phrases", unless you can come up with something better. As a matter of fact, if you wish to contribute a title, we can make a contest out of it. The winner gets their favorite song (Christmas or otherwise) sung to them over the phone by YOURS TRULY! (Either that, or a prize thought up by my good friend, ne'er do well stripper Prunella DeVille. Consider this a thank you for your meme tag of me, Pru.)

What could be better than that? (Besides having a date with "New Employee Iggy" for New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day, I mean...and that might be another contest!)

So with that, stay tuned for coming events...Ho ho ho!