Wednesday, April 11, 2007 stats SUCK.

Yep...they're suckin' like a Hoover.

This kind of bums me out, kind of not.

I mean, I've been going through my own weirdness the past few days, wasn't THAT long, was it? Apparently so.

I must not know my own strength.

Oh is still WEIRD with me. Therapy, therapy, therapy until we sort all the crap out like wheat from emotional chaff. I am down with the notion of therapy to help sort out your life, but what if one person knows where they stand and can't compromise, and the other person is scrambling like a maniac trying to get them to?

It causes much gnashing of teeth and general stomach upset. It disrupts the sleep. The cats are upset by this. (Well...Chelmsford is upset by Hallmark commercials, so he's not the most reliable of sources.)

Oh well...what do I know? I'm just a girl. A girl that takes meds to keep from buying a kazillion dollars in office supplies and/or slashing her wrists. Everyone at church is supportive...D is trying to find things to do for HIMSELF (tae kwon do, etc.), yet he still drives me crazy. Who'd have thunk? Not I.

Some of my friends say that I did the right thing. Some are simply staying out of it altogether but wish us well no matter what the outcome. I don't know what to think. One of our pastors said not to be embarrassed about coming to church, that everyone would be supportive. I appreciate that - it's definitely better than previous church experiences.

I don't know who in my family knows and who doesn't. Other than my mom, my sister, and selected other relatives, I really don't give a tinker's damn what anyone thinks.

I was telling a friend at work this morning that I remember having doubts about my previous two marriages. I just attributed it to "pre-wedding jitters" and went ahead anyway. Why the HELL am I listening to myself this time?

Is it wisdom/maturation stuff?

Is it the unwillingness to shave my legs? (You have to admit, that's a big factor...)

It's certainly not cash and prizes. As a matter of fact, my jazz quartet has a potential gig in Chevy Chase the day I was SUPPOSED to get married (May 5), and it's $125/person, plus another gig in the wings in about two weeks. I'm sure I'll be making more money at that than at my nuptials.

So YEAH...I guess I'm glad my schedule is cleared for that month.

But I still can't get it out of my head that I failed D somehow. I feel that I'd be failing him if I DID marry him. I just can't be what he needs me to be. Even if he changes, I wonder sometimes if it's too late.

One bright least I don't have to deal with his parents for a while. Something tells me they're not exactly charter members of my fan club at this point. I wonder if that's a big loss?

Probably not.