Thursday, April 12, 2007



D and I are (for the moment) living as "room-mates". This means that we sleep separately and that he can be snippy with me. I guess I can live with that for the time being. I am liking the space more than I thought I would.

Also, the new musical collaborator ("DD" or "Double D" if you say it) and I are...well...I'm not sure. "Flirting" seems such an odd term to I should be Scarlett O'Hara fluttering her eyelashes over a fan while blushing and saying "tee hee". But he likes redheads (even artificial ones), he likes full figured women, he thinks I'm a good singer, and he's told me all these things voluntarily. This is blowing my mind. Either way...better stock up on the Garnier Nutrisse Light Reddish Blonde. Got some roots to cover, ya know.

I don't think I've ever really entertained the thought of a "relationship" with a fellow musician since college. I've shied away from it because when the relationship goes south and the criticisms about musical ability get very mean, I simply can't stand that. Music is a major part of my life, and when a lover/musical comrade starts commenting negatively on my pitch, timing, etc., it really hurts because I know there's actual desire to inflict pain attached to it. In addition, they didn't always know what they're talking about, so between ignorance and malice, I really wanted to just throttle them.

So to avoid getting hurt with the activity/art form I love so much, I hooked up with men who weren't "musicians". But then I felt like a piece of me was not understood...a part of my soul. So that was a stupid plan too.

Another interesting thing..."music business" has suddenly picked up. I'm singing at a funeral on Saturday morning, I have a big band/little group gig on Saturday night, two gigs with the small group in May, one gig with the big band in May, and a big/little group gig in June that might lead to MORE gigs. Wow. Not sure if karma's dancing all over my life or not, but I'm not complaining about that facet of it.

I haven't been to church in well over a month, and I'm guessing it's because of all the tumultous emotional stuff. I am scared that people in church (whether or not they actually say it) will judge me based on my decision. My pastors say that's not the case, and that they want me to come back knowing that. But I am scared to death. My previous church experiences have not been positive in regard to stuff like this, so this is new to me.

I haven't talked to my mother that much...I usually call her once a day. She doesn't bring up wedding stuff or anything. I usually ask her what she's done with her day, what she thinks of some news making event, etc. I haven't felt the urge to call her every day lately (as in this week). I haven't talked to Ruthi's kids in forever, either. I'm not sure why...I think it's because I'm not sure how much they know about the wedding being called off. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt them. Then again, I'm not sure if that's a main concern of theirs. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the notion that it's not ALWAYS about me. That's been a problem of mine for many years.

I need a hot fudge sundae...that's the one thing I'm certain about at this moment.