Rancho Sudiegirl and Valentine's Day...

You know that the good folks at Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., are ALL about serving the public. Whether the public finds our services useful is beside the point...the fact is, we CARE, dammit.

If you click here, you'll be magically whisked away to ABC News and their list of ideas for Valentine's Day if you do OR don't have a sweetie to share it with. Not to shoot down my brothers and sisters at the ABC, but hey...there's more than one way to skin a cat. Our motto here at Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc. (and BOY, we got plenty of mottos) is "Why keep your bitterness to yourself?" (That's another good t-shirt slogan, BTW...gotta call Cafepress...)

Therefore, I think analyzing their ideas is definitely in order.

OK...here's something interesting...Michael Musto from the Village Voice had this to say:
"It's an enforced day of romance, almost legislating a connection between a couple that should be there anyway," he said. But "if you're going to celebrate it, you might as well have fun."

First of all, who defines "fun"? Hallmark, or YOU? I mean, some people think that jigsaw puzzles are fun. Others think that obscene phone calls to random individuals are fun. Does that then mean that if you want to have fun on Valentine's Day, you can call an unsuspecting citizen and ask them what color underwear they have on? I think that's logical.

So step #1, then, is HAVE FUN. OK. We're clear on that.

Next? Nothing says FUN like SPONTANEITY, right?

Well, not exactly. Humans have this annoying tendency to need advice on things that should come naturally, like having fun. The fun includes picking gifts out, I would think...but apparently, not everyone is able to do so. The reasons range from busy schedules to simply not giving a shit.

Hence, the industry of image consulting is born. Yes...there are folks out there who actually take money for doing something that you should do yourself (like buy presents). Let's take a look at the example ABC News gives us:

Samantha von Sperling is the owner of Polished Social Image Consultants in New York City...This Valentine's Day, Sperling is gift-hunting for more than 20 clients, and she says that even though it may be the last minute, it's still not too late to find that perfect something for someone special.

Well, THANK GOD I KNOW THIS!!! I was up all night worrying about it.

However, this next statement disturbs me a little bit...

"You can make dinner reservations, you can buy spa packages, you can actually call in sick from work and make a day of it," Sperling said. "You can take your date shopping, offer to buy her a dress, have her try things on. Maybe there is something that she's always wanted."

So, basically, Ms. von Sperling is promoting truantism from work? Great...just great. So what the hell happens if I call in sick from work and SOMEHOW my boss finds out I'm LYING? Then what? Can I come live with YOU? I don't take up that much space, ma'am...oh please let me stay with you until I find another job at the Turkey Burger Hut near me.

The word "escape" is also mentioned...again, from the article:

Sperling recommends planning an escape. (Note: convicts are exempt from this offer.)

"It can be a picnic somewhere that you pack yourself … or a picnic of champagne and caviar by the fireplace on the living room floor," she said.

Maybe it's just me...but I don't think that sitting on the floor and eating fish eggs while worrying about fireplace sparks is all that fun. Thank God the champagne is there so I can get loaded and forget about the fish eggs and burns.

And anyway, she'd better hope that all parties involved are good with the fish eggs, or that said fish eggs aren't tainted in any way. Nothing says "romantic" like lots of vomiting.

Presents for men? SURE! Sperling has it all covered. Again, from the article:

Sperling says a shopping spree could also be a gift for a man, but only if he's "a fashion-forward kind of metro-sexual." Otherwise, she advises more traditional macho fare, "like sporting events, steak houses, cigars."

Well, I have to say I don't really know any metrosexual men, and I live in a "metro" area. Most of the men I know would benefit greatly if the clothing industry brought back Garanimals. Therefore, a shopping spree for clothes would not be a good pick for the majority of MY male friends. A shopping spree at Circuit City or Home Depot would be a little more like it.

Also, do all men LIKE sporting events, steakhouses and cigars? What if a WOMAN likes that stuff? I tell ya, if a man gave me hockey tickets, a gift certificate to Bonanza and a nice Cuban cigar, I'd give him my body whether he wanted it or not! Dude...it's HOCKEY! It's MEAT! It's TOBACCO! YEAH!

I really like this next sentence...so much so that I'm going to reproduce it, then give my own Rancho Sudiegirl translation.

The article says: But what if your budget or your taste requires something simpler?

Sudiegirl's translation? What if I'm a cheap ass that doesn't really care?

Well, Sperling says that flowers and chocolate are still appreciated. She didn't say by whom, but I'm sure there's someone out there that wants that stuff.

Meanwhile, Mr. Musto from the Village Voice totally disagrees on the flowers/candy thing. He sez:

"Avoid the whole chocolate and flowers routine," Musto said. "It's so rote, and it comes off as an obligation. It has no spark, no originality. … Get them their fantasy gift. Spend your fantasy night together as a couple; re-live the things that made you a couple to begin with."

OK, so we got fun covered. But if you're economical, what kind of fantasy gift can YOU afford?

I guess it must depend on the fantasy. For example, Jell-o's not that expensive...if you pour a bunch in the bathtub, add ice and let it chill, then you can Jell-o wrestle, right?

Hey, I think I've got the hang of it.

So basically, the article says that you've gotta have fun and be creative, no matter your status.

You know, I can say that much quicker - have fun and be creative on Valentines Day, no matter your status.

There. Where my check at?

And with that...Happy V-Day!