Thursday, February 15, 2007

Da Day After V-Day...

On this day in 1984, Ethel Merman died - I believe it was complications from a stroke.

To honor the memory of this unobtrusive, absolutely non-brassy's a clip from YouTube showing her with ol' Blue Eyes.

Ah - nothin' like a love song, eh? Yep, she's pretty much slaughtered that one to bits.

So thing I ask of you is this: My former husband yet still my friend Ed H. needs some moral support and blog-love today. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of his mother's passing, and in spite of all that's happened between us I think he deserves to know that others care and know how he feels. If you click here, you can read the post he wrote about his mom. But leave him a note and let him know that Sudiegirl sent you (he hates that nickname of mine, but it's how y'all know me...).

Next, a happy buddy Pointmeister is havin' a "whelpin' day" today! Yep...not sure how old he is, but I'm sure it's older than yours truly. Stop by and say "howdee" and let him know that you sympathize, or offer congratulations to him (however you view birthdays is the best policy).

You know what, though? He asked me and Jules to be his Valentines. Isn't that sweet? However, Jules has a special talent, which is pole-dancing. I'm really clumsy - I trip over shag carpet. I'm not sure what kind of gift to give my sweet, sweet Pointmeister. I figure this be-yoo-ti-ful color photo of myself (above left) from New Year's Eve would be sufficient, don't you? Yep, I thought so. Nothing says "I love you" like a great homage to Elsa Lanchester in cartoon bovine form. Moooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Anyhoo, it's colder than Billy Blue Blazes out here. I stayed home from work yesterday, and D was sent home from work because of the weather. So we just kind of knocked around, relazed, and enjoyed the day. We watched "The Crucible" with Daniel Day-Lewis. That's actually a play I never saw or had to read in high school, but I'll be damned if that isn't a bright and shining example of mob mentality. Earlier this week, I saw "Summer of Sam", the Spike Lee joint about the Son of Sam murders. Same thing.

What is with mob mentality? I mean, it's EXHAUSTING to watch as an adult. Anyone who's ever spent time in elementary and/or junior high school has gone through it. I think these days they call it "drama". (That's one of the nieces' pet phrases, BTW...right up there with "emo screamo" music.) But seriously - WHY? Why do humans feel that whipping themselves into frenzies of any sort is a good idea? Why do we have to be sheep all the time? It's frustrating.

Oh well...on to the goodies...yep, an AWARD!

Yes...there are products out there that truly mesh with the Rancho Sudiegirl experience. This is no exception.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...TALKING URINAL CAKES!

Yes, guys - in New Mexico, 500 talking urinal cakes have been ordered by the state for bars and restaurants to place in their urinals. The purpose? The article says it best:

"Hey there, big guy. Having a few drinks?" a female voice says a few seconds after an approaching male sets off a motion sensor in the device. "It's time to call a cab or ask a sober friend for a ride home."

Transportation Department spokesman S.U. Mahesh said the urinal cakes are a way to reach one group that's a target of state safety campaigns. Men commit about three times as many drunken-driving infractions as women.

So...hmmm...a drunk guy goes to the restroom in his favorite New Mexico pub or eatery, and takes a leak. Upon initial dousing (or whatever the motion sensor detects), a babe reminds him not to drive drunk. Now, can YOU imagine what the hell would happen if any guy I know would hear this disembodied babe's voice?
  • Well, first, he'd jump up on the sink and scream like a little punk girl.
  • Then, once he got it together (approximately 15 minutes later), he'd look for the hidden camera in the soap dispenser.
  • After that, he'd check the stalls for feet (signifying that others were in the restroom and heard him scream like a little punk girl).
So here's the dilemma. How can men avoid embarrassing themselves in their friendly neighborhood bar's restroom, AND be aware of the dangers of drunk driving? are my thoughts.
  • First, the voice.
I would like to apologize to my male neighbors here on Spaceship Earth in advance, but I gotta tell ya...y'all are sheep. No matter what your orientation, if you hear a voice that sounds generically sexy, you will do whatever it says. I'm sorry...but it's true. The reason I know this is because my gym teacher in high school said to me once, apropos of nothing, "You know, Dawson, if you sang to a man they'd do whatever you wanted." (BTW, I believe my response was, "Well, gee Coach...if that's the case, what the hell am I still doing in high school?")

All the article says is, "a female voice". Do we know what this voice sounds like, exactly? Does it sound like Kathleen Turner, Carol Channing, Florence "Mrs. Brady" Henderson? If we're going to go with the powers of persuasion, I'd say definitely employ one of these actresses:

Kathleen Turner
Drew Barrymore
Eartha Kitt (for the exotic touch)

If you want men (so as not to discriminate regarding sexual orientation or initial gender), I suggest:

Sam Elliott
George Clooney
Robert Redford
  • Secondly...there should be other uses besides DUI prevention:
Let's face it...there are plenty of other things that can happen in a bar besides getting too drunk to drive. Examples: fighting, losing one's wallet, making poor gambling choices, and suffering from poor sexual choices thanks to "beer goggles" or other alcoholic visual impairment. So here are my suggestions for alternate/additional messages for the talkin' urinal cakes.

1. "Hey buddy...put down the barstool and let's call it a night." (for fighting)
2. "How'd you pay for the drinks?" (for misplacing the wallet)
3. "Uh...did you really intend to make that bet? It's not too late to back out." (bad drunken bets)
4. "Gee...uh...that lady/gent you're takin' home has a great...personality." (beer goggle alert...the lights will start flashing and sirens will go off as well.)
So're totally covered. Who knows? You may be able to talk 'em into other things with talking urinal cakes, such as:
  • buying Britney Spears' next album (need a lot of urinal cakes for that one)
  • it's OK to let the wife use the remote
  • dress socks and sandals do NOT go with shorts
Hey, man - I just live to give.

So tell me, folks...what improvements would YOU make to the talking urinal cakes? Come on, now...don't be shy...I live to give.