Musings of a chick: Fibrous Friday

Nancy Pelosi Two Heartbeats From the Presidency
(So that means she's a freak of nature? I mean, come on - at best, two heartbeats means there's a heart murmur somewhere. At worst, there's two of those cardiac things going on in ONE body. That's "Ripley's" material, folks...)

The first Friday of 2007, folks! Lap it up for all it's worth.

Lots of stuff going on today - first of all, I am really psyched about the possibility of a Police reunion tour.

Why? Because Sting needs to quit being by himself. I like him, don't get me wrong, but he just needs to get back to the Police and be their frontman. Enough with the pretentious neo-Celtic-jazz thing (although any projects where Branford Marsalis is employed get my seal of approval). My opinion is not shared by Sting, but then again, I don't think that's the only area where we disagree. But YEAH I want to see it! I'd donate one of D's organs to get tickets - that's how devoted I am to this idea.

Also, according to CNN, Lindsay Lohan either has had or is getting her appendix removed. Here is the headline from CNN's website: Lindsay Lohan having appendix removed.

In the spirit of good will among professional journalists and myself (a self-proclaimed blogging hack), I would like to provide some alternative headlines and such to further illustrate the vibe (so to speak). Here they are:

Skank in surgery
Lohan provides own anesthetic for surgery
First medical case where appendix comes out of patient in pickled state
World record for 'most painkillers required after surgery' set by starlet Lohan; Keith Richards quoted as saying he's 'bloody impressed'.

Hey, I just work with the material provided, man - it's a gift.

On a national level, this is a hot topic - a topic that concerns a lot of folks...and I am no exception.

However, I have to laugh - if the government opened MY mail, they'd know the following about me:

(1) I may already be a winner!
(2) I am pre-approved for a Visa/Mastercard/Discover card
(3) I am a regular customer at Pizza Hut and Dominos, based on the coupons I receive.
(4) I am late on my cable bill and car insurance
(5) I'm plus sized because I get the Lane Bryant catalog
(6) My Mary Kay representative really wants a sale
(7) Lots of people don't know how to spell "Hegstrom"
(8) I'm Episcopalian
(9) I'm a recovering Methodist
(10) I'm a University of Iowa alumna that has yet to join the Alumni Foundation

As you can see, I'm just SUCH a threat to national security...NOT!

(PS: I do take things about personal freedom and privacy seriously, but not my mail...besides, it's easier to laugh about crap like this.)

In the "Will Mr. Fab still blame

Tony Danza?" department - yes, Tony Danza is going to be on Broadway again.

This should be interesting - Tony
Danza will be taking the part of Max Bialystock in the Broadway edition of "The Producers", but only through March of '07.

I guess I'm OK with the whole thing (like I have any say? Give me a break), although he's not the physical type I'd expect...Nathan Lane makes too much of an impact, I guess.

I wonder if they'll have to rename the character "Tony"...it seems to be a running concession that's made for Mr. Danza. "Tony Bialystock"...somehow, the same ring isn't there.

So on to the awards. (Yeah, I know, there's patterns developing, but deal with it, folks - my blog, ya know...)

Today's "Blinded Me With Science!" Award...

Recipient: Ueno Zoo in Tokyo, Japan
Reason: The discovery that marching penguins mean happy penguins. To quote the article:

TOKYO, Jan 5 (Reuters Life!) - Tokyo's zoo hopes to create "Happy Feet" every time it lets its penguins out for a walk. Zoo officials let the King Penguins waddle around once a week in a bid to ease homesickness and the stress of being in captivity.

Yep - for thirty minutes a day, once a week, the King Penguins have the run of the zoo - or about 300 meters of it. It's a win-win situation as well - the visitors think it's great, the penguins are psychologically sound for another week - everyone's hap-hap-happy.

Judge's comments:

This quote is what intrigued me:

The penguins, too, seem to enjoy their excursion -- officials say the birds appear less stressed after their walks.

Something you should know about me - next to cats and dogs, penguins are my favorite animals. Birds usually make me nervous (all that hopping around they do, I guess), but penguins have always made me smile, even though I know if I hug them I'll wind up smelling like regurgitated fish.

But here's what I want to know - HOW IN GOD'S NAME CAN YOU TELL IF A PENGUIN'S STRESSED OUT?

It was easy with Opus from "Bloom County" - thanks to the magic of comic strip art, he was provided with "sweatles", plus he had the power of speech so he could express himself. You could see his eyes, and he openly expressed a range of emotions (almost too much, some days...). But real penguins...their faces aren't so transparent.

Can you just imagine - if penguins could talk like humans do - the conversations between penguins when they're anxious? I can (but that's because I actually take the time to think about this crap)...

"Iggy - hey - IGGY!"
"What IS it, Ralph?"
"Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?"
(slight pause, followed by slap of wing against other penguin's head)

"Barb, I think Larry's seeing another penguin. He hasn't been back to our rookery in days."
"How can you tell? Do you know what she looks like? I mean, we DO all look alike."

"Mike...hey, man...you still on for poker tonight?"
"Yeah...it's the wife's turn to watch the egg. I could use a break. If my mother in law heckles me one more time, I'm going to throw her to the polar bears."

So I guess penguins do go through stress - and it takes a goofball like ME to bring it to light.

Bringin' this one out of mothballs now...

The "Was My Face Red" Award!

Recipients: Janet H. Lee, plus the city of Philadelphia, PA.
Reason: Well, let's have the article say it for me:

PHILADELPHIA - A woman who was arrested and jailed for three weeks on drug charges for what turned out to be flour-filled condoms has settled a lawsuit against the city for $180,000.

Yes...according to the article, Ms. Lee had three condoms filled with flour in her carry-on bag. In 2003, she had these items in her bag and her story was they were "phallic toys" that students could squeeze to help relieve exam stress.

She was held in jail for THREE weeks on drug trafficking charges until the authorities actually ran tests and found out she was on the level.

So, of course, she sued the city. Makes sense.

Judge's Comments:

Well, being the fair-minded person that I am, I can easily make snarky comments on both sides. God bless America on that one, eh?

(1) To Ms. Lee: Uh - why condoms? Aren't those stress-reliever thingies usually made from balloons or some thicker form of latex rubber? Condoms, to me, seem to be a little bit more fragile, and the flour would leak everywhere. Also, any rubber thing that contains a white powder is going to be looked at as suspicious, sweetheart. Between the movie "Midnight Express" and 9/11, that whole concept of "white powder going undetected" thing is as dead as the dodo. Sorry - you should use the postal service for things of that nature.

(2) To the City of Philadelphia: Uh - don't flour and cocaine taste different? I mean, I've seen plenty of crime dramas - the cops usually taste a little bit of the white powdery substance to determine if it is indeed cocaine because (again, from crime drama education) it's cut with some quinine and it's bitter. Flour (to my knowledge) isn't bitter...it's kind of bland, maybe a little bit salty or sweet.

Second point...why did this woman sit in jail for 21 days for something this serious? Don't they test stuff like this right away? Isn't there something in the Constitution about stuff like this (speedy trial, cruel & unusual punishment, tasting the white powdery substance)? Makes sense to me, but then again, I'm a crime drama junkie.

And finally, yet ANOTHER new award...from Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., makers of "Sex Toys for Cats - now with 50% more catnip", I give you the "Never Underestimate the Power Of An Old Fart" Award, for those seniors among us who beat the crap out of evil-doers.

Recipient: Un-named elderly man in Juneau, Wisconsin.
Reason: Beating up a burglar with a shoehorn. To quote the article:

The man kicked in the door of an elderly couple's home in Lebanon about 1 a.m. Monday, demanded money and threatened to shoot them, the sheriff's department said in a news release. But the husband, who is in his 80s, beat the man around the head with a long shoehorn, forcing him from the home.

The burglar and his accomplice then broke into another home in the same general area, but arrested in another county.

Judge's comments:

Here are the last two paragraphs of the news article:

The Dodge County District Attorney's Office is reviewing the matter for potential charges. "This is one of those crimes that a lengthy sentence just doesn't do justice," Sheriff Todd Nehls said of the Lebanon incident. "The torment and anguish will be with them forever."

Uh - explain this thing to me...which "them" are we referring to?

Are we referring to the "them" as in the old couple who were threatened in their own home by a jerk who wanted to take their money and kill them?

Or are we referring to the criminal who has to forever be tagged as "the guy who got the crap beaten out of him by an 80 year-old man with a flippin' SHOEHORN"???

Gotta be more specific here, media - inquiring minds like mine wanna know about this stuff.