Thursday, December 21, 2006

Smile, Darn Ya! It's Christmas!

OK - The "Smile Darn Ya Smile" award is being taken out of mothballs and given to two very public and annoying figures:

Today's recipients: Rosie O' Donnell (surprise) and Donald Trump.

Reason: They disagree on the road taken regarding whether or not to dethrone the current Miss USA, Tara Conner. Plus, they don't really like each other very much. (click here and here to read the two stories)

Apparently, Miss USA was a very naughty little figurehead. She was found to be drinking underage. To quote the article:

Conner tearfully admitted drinking as a minor at New York nightclubs. She turned 21 a day before the news conference.

Furthermore, it was later learned that Miss Teen USA was also hangin' with her slightly older counterpart, and probably doing the SAME thing, and MADD (Mothers against Drunk Driving) has cut ties with said Miss Teen USA as a result.

OK - fine. Perfectly understandable - how can they have a spokesperson that doesn't practice what she preaches? (Actually, that happens a lot, but MADD is trying to have some integrity here so I'll give 'em props.)

However (and I didn't know this until the news first came out about Miss "Party-Hearty" USA), Donald Trump had something to do with this. To quote the article again:

Trump, owner of the Miss Universe Organization, which includes Miss USA and Miss Teen USA — said Tuesday at a news conference that he would allow Conner to keep her title if she settled down and entered alcohol rehab.

Great. I admire Trump's - uh - magnanimous gesture. Surely, it was done with the most wholesome and altruistic of intentions. Right? RIGHT?

(Heh. Didn't think you'd fall for it. Good call, people.)

So NOW...ol' Rosie's done it again.

What has she done?

What she does best (NOT SINGING...don't hurt me this way...please). Stating her opinion on national television in, shall we say, less than diplomatic terms. The direct quote, per the article:

O'Donnell, co-host of the ABC television morning talk show "The View," said on Wednesday's show that Trump's news conference with Tara Conner had annoyed her "on a multitude of levels."

"Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America," O'Donnell said to roars of audience laughter. "Donald, sit and spin, my friend."

She continued: "He inherited a lot of money. wait a minute, and he's been bankrupt so many times where he didn't have to pay. ... I just think that this man is sort of like one of those, you know, snake oil salesmen in 'Little House on the Prairie.'"

The Donald, SHOCKED that she would say these things (and unlike the rest of the country, thinks she's totally off-base in her assessment) shot back:

"Rosie O'Donnell is disgusting, I mean both inside and out," Trump shot back on the syndicated entertainment show "The Insider." "Take a look at her, she's a slob. She talks like a truck driver. ... Her show failed when it was a talk show, she failed on that. The ratings went very, very low and very bad and she got essentially thrown off television. Her magazine was a total catastrophe, she got sued. ...

"I never went bankrupt, but she said I went bankrupt. So probably I'll sue her because it would be fun. I'd like to take some money out of her fat-ass pockets," he said.

Judge's comments:

1. To Rosie: It's killin' me, hon, but I AGREE with a lot of what you've said. He is on his third wife, who's younger than either of us. And let's face it...the first two wives look a lot like Tara Connor. So there's that. I've never been a fan of The Donald. He's got the most artificial-looking toupee in the modern world, he throws money around like crazy, and he sues anyone he doesn't like.

However, I really, SINCERELY hope that this latest explosion doesn't get you fired from "The View". Why? Because - unlike your heartfelt plea to Britney Spears - I'm not inviting you to my house to live with me. We'd fight like cats and dogs and I'd make you take voice lessons. However, I'd probably get along with Kelli and your kids so MAYBE. Don't hold your breath just yet. I have to find my air-mattress to make room for you all.

2. To The Donald: OK - I'm a little more biased here.

Donald, you're a class-A schmuck. Seriously.

I'd say that many of the good folks of this country actually HATE your guts. I didn't even know you existed until I went to college. So OH MY GOD, that means you aren't all that and a bag o' chips. I never watched "The Apprentice" because I was afraid that looking at your toupee would set off epileptic seizures of some sort.

Suing someone is FUN? Jeez...I can think of about 40 things to do that are more fun than litigation, and that includes activities with my future mother-in-law. And BTW, Rosie didn't make comments about your toupee, but you called her "fat", and a "fat-ass". I think I need to come over to your house and sit on your lap a while. That wasn't a good idea. At least Rosie kept her comments to your ACTIVITIES, not your looks. Didn't your mother teach you "I'm rubber, you're glue - your words bounce off me and stick to you"? If you're so rich and powerful, what does it matter what she says, even on national TV?

But to both of you, "Smile, darn ya, smile"!

Donnie-baby, Rosie didn't say anything to you that the public doesn't already know (and God bless the National Enquirer for that one).

Rosie, maybe the "sit and spin" part could have been edited out of the statement...that probably brought back some traumatic memories of what he went through in gym class.

BOTH of you...quit fussin'! A decision was made, the beauty queen looks like she might be wife number four of The Donald (although we really hope not), and life moves on. Move with it.

(and Donald - GET A NEW RUG!)

That's all for that one...