Thursday, December 21, 2006

On the third countdown day of Christmas, my Sudie gave to me...

Four Egg-Suckin' Dogs!

Yes, there are actually gooberheads out there who find the time to break the law on this yuletide holiday. Let me break it down for ya, baby...

First two Egg-Suckin' Dogs: two un-named 18-year old boys in Hamilton County, Ohio.

Reason: They murdered an inflatable snowman (THE Frosty the Snowman, to be exact...)

To quote the article:

CINCINNATI - Two Christmas grinches were arrested Monday, accused of stabbing a 12-foot-tall inflatable Frosty the snowman with a screwdriver. The Hamilton County Sheriff's office said two 18-year-olds were charged with criminal damaging...
The owner of the home and the inflatable snowman in question caught them via hidden camera because apparently Frosty had been attacked two previous times. He had repaired Frosty two previous times, but the third attack did him in.

One youth was apprehended in his home, and the second one turned himself in.

Double plus bonus: GREAT PUN! From the article:

At one point Monday, the sheriff's office, which investigated with the Colerain Township police department, said in a statement: "The investigation continues to snowball."
Ah - behold the power of puns.

Judge's comments:
Ya know...I'm a grump myself when it comes to Christmas. However, to be BRUTALLY honest, I would never have thought to do stuff like that to someone at Christmas time when I was a teenager. Really, honestly, truly. Stuff like that is mean, and even if I'm not particularly fond of the holiday, why ruin it for anyone else?

OK - I'm on a roll here...

Second egg-suckin' dog: Another anonymous individual/individuals (isn't it funny that they're brave enought to do this crap and we don't get to know their names?)

Reason: The theft of thirty-two baby Jesuses from outdoor nativity scenes across Chicago's South Side.

To quote the article:

CHICAGO - Dozens of people looking for Jesus can find him at a church on Chicago's South Side. Thirty-two plastic baby Jesus dolls were stolen last week from nativity scenes in people's front yards. Then on Saturday morning a woman found all the missing Jesuses lined up along the fence on her lawn and she gave them to St. Symphorosa Church.
Apparently, nobody's fessed up to the prank. However, as the quote says, the lady that found all the holy infants so tender and mild took them to the best place she knew of - a local church.

The rector of this church, Rev. Marcel Pasciak, had this to say:

Pasciak said he thinks teenagers took the baby Jesuses as a joke and not as a religious statement.

"Don't they look funny?" Pasciak said as residents came to claim their decorations. "We're putting Christ back into Christmas literally and metaphorically."

However, other folks didn't feel so charitable.

"You put things out and it's to express your beliefs, to celebrate your faith with your community," said Carol Angiollo, whose baby Jesus was among those taken. "To have someone violate that is really disheartening."

Happy Ending: The police force was respectful. They didn't take the stolen holy children into evidence...they directed those who made reports of theft to the South Side church, where they could claim their baby Jesus.

Judge's comments: I'm really trying to hold my tongue on a joke but I just can't do here it goes...I guess they once were lost but now are found. (OK, I was reaching...leave me alone...)

Third egg-suckin' dog: Dawn E. Smith, 44, of Grove, Oklahoma.

Reason: Spreading a little herbal Christmas cheer. To quote the article:

JAY, Okla. - Police arrested a woman after finding marijuana in a Christmas card she tried to give her jailed boyfriend. Dawn E. Smith, 44, of Grove, was arrested in connection with the incident at the Delaware County Jail.
Now according to the article, the boyfriend (one Steven McRae Jones, age 26) was in jail because he, quote, "repeatedly rammed Smiths car and took a swing at the arresting officer." He was waiting at the county jail for transport to the state department of corrections, where he will serve four years in prison for his crimes.

So obviously, they're not getting along so hot in the first place, and he's goin' away for a while.

However, Ms. Smith wanted to let bygones be bygones and slip him some holiday ganja in a Christmas card. That's a nice thing to do for someone who's wrecked your car repeatedly, don't you think?

Double plus bonus: Ms. Smith stands accused of trying to distribute a controlled substance and bringing a controlled substance into a jail.

Judge's comments: Well, hoo-doggies! I do believe these folks cooked up a whole mess of stupidity.

The 26 year old brain trust took a swing at a cop after "repeatedly ramming Smith's car". Reports do not relate WHAT he was ramming the car into or WHY he was doing it. We just get the basics. So there's that.

But as far as the slippin' the pot in the card, I wonder if she was trying to give him something nice or set him up for a bigger fall, thanks to his carelessness with her vehicle. It could go either way, but it ended up screwing HER and maybe him, but we're not sure.

I think I smell another cottage industry brewin' about Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., making products that assist folks in slipping controlled substances into prison. Examples:

* crack cocaine earrings (gold or sterling silver)
* Chia pot

Sorry - I just had to explore that option, no matter HOW stupid it sounded.

Fourth (and thank God, final) Egg-Suckin' Dog: Teresa Marie Canady, 38, Hope Mills, North Carolina.

Reason: Her sweet tooth got the better of her. She committed identity theft, and to quote the article:

Canady, 38, had been wanted by Cumberland County, N.C., authorities who tracked approximately $680 of fraudulent online purchases from Swiss Colony, a Wisconsin-based business. Dubbed the "Sweet Tooth Bandit," she was apprehended in her Hope Mills, N.C., home on Dec. 14 on the outstanding warrant.

Yep - "The Sweet Tooth Bandit" got busted. (Right now, the "Yuckmouth" song from Saturday Morning Cartoons of the '80s is running through my head.)

Cumberland County has a program in place called "Operation Grinch", and it aids in the capture of wanted felons. Some folks think it's a terrible thing to do to folks on the holidays, but the sheriff's office maintains it's for the good of the county by protecting their citizens.

Apparently, this wasn't the first go-round for "sweetie". To quote the article:

According to Tanna, Canady has a criminal history, goes by up to six aliases and was also wanted in Virginia at the time of her arrest.

Purchases typically associated with identity-theft cases, like expensive electronics, designer clothing or other big-ticket items, are not part of Canady's alleged modus operandi, Tanna said.

"This isn't her first dance," she said. "She has a taste for exotic chocolate."

Double plus bonus: Ms. Canady is charged with the following:

Canady is charged with attempting to obtain property under false pretenses and identity theft and is free on $2000 bail. Her next court date is Jan. 11, 2007.
Judge's comments:

Oh lord...I have always been tempted by those Swiss Colony magazines myself, but I have never ordered from one. Now I know only leads to evil. I never really thought of Swiss Colony as exotic, though...I always think Godiva or Ghirardelli.

Also, does this mean that if Canady gets out of prison and tries to go to Hershey Park, she'll be banned?

So see? I can get into the spirit of my own way...