Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Witless Wednesday

Today in history:

In 1986, actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.
( I was a senior in high school when this happened - he gave a lecture at an area college, and then died in his sleep. Sigh...)

1 in 5 parents say kids online too much
(Is that out of concern, or out of frustration because Mom and Dad need to check their e-mail and go to porn sites?)


Ya know - I am feeling rather saucy today. However, I am also craving a hot fudge sundae. Life is so vexing sometimes, you know?

First up...From the "Michael Richards WAS dropped on his head as a child" files:

OK...I've had all I can stands, and I can't stands no more.

Per the article, Michael Richards' oh-so-fabulous "damage control" PR agent has stated the following:

Last week, crisis-management expert Howard Rubenstein acknowledged that Richards had shouted anti-Semitic remarks in an April standup comedy routine - well before his appearance earlier this month in which he harangued hecklers with the n-word.

But he defended Richards' language about Jews, saying that the comic "is Jewish. He's not anti-Semitic at all. He was role-playing."

As Rubenstein's assertion circulated, Jewish organizations and commentators pointed out that the man who played Cosmo Kramer on "Seinfeld" has not converted to Judaism and neither of his parents are Jewish.

Which makes him ...

"Technically, not having been born by blood as Jewish and
not formally going into a conversion, it was purely his interpretation of having adopted Judaism as his religion," Rubenstein told The Associated Press on Tuesday. "He told me, `I'm Jewish,' when I asked him.

"He said there were two mentors who raised him and who had a big influence on his life, and they were Jewish. He said, `I agree with the concepts and the religious beliefs of Judaism and I've adopted Judaism as my religion,'" Rubenstein said. "He really thinks of himself as Jewish."

A rabbi, Rabbi Marvin Hier, founder and dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles, had this to say:

"You can't feel Jewish. It's not a matter of feeling. You can convert to Judaism. You can't not convert to Judaism and then be Jewish," said Rabbi Marvin Hier, founder and dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles.

Hier defined
being Jewish from two perspectives, if someone hasn't gone through the process of formal conversion. "From the Orthodox point of view, if that person has a Jewish mother, he would be considered Jewish," Hier said. "In the Reform tradition, there's also a patrilineage. Under those categories, he would not fit."

Another rabbi, Rabbi Mark S. Diamond of the 280-member Board of Rabbis of Southern California, stated the same thing. Per the article:

"There are many people who appreciate Jewish customs, who may embrace aspects of Jewish culture and practice, but that does not make them Jewish," he said.

Rubinstein further stated that Richards declined interviews on Tuesday because he was exhausted and needed to talk to his psychiatrist.


1. What in GOD's name is wrong with the "PR expert" and Richards? Seriously.

Ed H. and I have been talking about this - anyone who knows him from "Fridays" knows that he's a conceptual comedian and therefore, is OUT there (as in outer limits, surreal, or however you wanna put it.) However, if one is going to be "out there" as a performer in this day and age, you have to have at least one person in charge that's aware of that fact. That way, damage control is already in place. There would be no hiring of incompetent boobs that don't have the good sense to go to a library to research basic Jewish principles. Rubinstein is making money from Richards and making matters worse all at the same time.

Damn. I could do that and charge half of what Rubinstein charges...what am I doing wrong?

2. Why can't Richards simply say, "I'm sorry"? If it were me, I would say the following:

"Hey, listen, I f****d up. I was angry. It was a stupid thing to do. Furthermore, I have finally realized that I am not funny in a stand-up situation. I am not racist or prejudiced in any way, but I realize that I have totally screwed the pooch as far as my career is concerned. I am scheduled to interview at Safeway tomorrow at 3 PM. They have an opening in their produce department. You will not see me on a stage again ever, ever, EVER, so please put down the rotten vegetables instead of throwing them at me. Thank you."

3. I am a Protestant from small-town Iowa. OK?

As such, you would think that I would be ignorant about certain basic aspects of Judaism.

However, I am not. Everything the two rabbis have stated in the referenced article is stuff I already knew. So if I knew, and I'm just a schlub, why didn't Rubinstein know this? Why is he just parroting the stuff that Michaels says if it's incorrect? Can't he put two and two together and say, "Hey...I'm making a buttload of money here, and I don't want to make a fool out of my client because it would totally cancel out his need for a damage control PR expert. Maybe I should call the rabbi down the street and ask HIM if this is possible before the press conference."

Gee, ya think?

4. If Richards insists on doing standup, he should tell this joke (courtesy of Eddie Murphy):

A bear and a rabbit were taking a s**t in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, "Excuse me, Mr. you have trouble with s**t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "Why, no!" So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

SEE? Not hard. Not hard at all.

5. Why hasn't Rosie O'Donnell bitched about this? She's bitched about everything else...I kind of expected it.

That's all I got, folks...sorry.

Another favorite ho-bag scapegoat, Britney Spears!!!!

Poor, misunderstood Britney.

(Note: Sarcasm is employed once again - and YES, I wish I could drop the subject, but I will when all the news wire services do.)

According to reports, she's labeled as "out of control", "a mess" and other harsh descriptors.

She's also been skipping recording sessions and has been trolling for a new manager of some sort.

She's also fired her PR agent, according to this. I can't imagine why, either...after all, PR agents are supposed to assist stars that commit faux pas of this nature, right? (BTW, I think I would have been better off - as would the rest of this country - if we'd seen Michael Richards' schlong instead of hearing him use racial slurs. Not sure why - I just think this would be over a lot quicker.)

Furthermore, Jimmy Kimmel was "mean to her" because of this sketch depicting Kevin Federline being sealed in a crate and being called a "no-hit wonder". Yeah...she's pissed because she didn't think of it first. (By that I mean the sealing in the crate).

And now, "the man" (general usage here) is chastising Brit for making a new friend that understands her pain - Ms. Paris Hilton (oh, and Lindsay Lohan tags along too). Click here and here to read of their new-found friendship.

However, Britney is enterprising enough to at least THINK that people might want to buy her homework.

Yeah - I'm sure everyone is clamoring to view her insipid book reports where she never fails to dot her "i"s with cute little hearts or smiley faces.

*sudiegirl pantomimes gagging*

Official word is that she is doing this for charity - but as they say, charity begins at home. Maybe she forgot to pay her cable bill, or buy new underwear since she's obviously OUT.

(Note to Britney: K-mart sells underwear, even THONG underwear. Check it out sometime...they sell big bags of Cheetos too.)

Damn - even good ol' Rosie "Can't Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Business Or My Craptastic Singing Voice Off Broadway Stages" O'Donnell is scolding the Brit. You'd think Rosie would have learned after the whole Kelly Ripa thing that sometimes...GASP...there are other things to get upset about. Does she think that Brit is going to DO what she suggests if she's reprimanded on national TV? BTW, this rant is not an example of homophobia - it's "annoyed at a talk show host" aphobia.

But at least we know Brit isn't lonely - she has Mario "Slater" Lopez and her manager, Jason Trawick to keep her warm.

I'm not sure what's scarier...the fact that she hasn't been hit by a truck or the fact that all she has to do is fart and paparazzi take a gazillion pictures. Life is quite sad.

It's going to be sadder when her boobs start sagging. It happens, you know...


Finally, a thought for the day...

"Superstition is the religion of feeble minds."
- Edmund Burke, British statesman (1729-1797).

Sudiegirl's response: "It's also a kick-ass Stevie Wonder song."

And with that, I bid you adieu. (Adieu, adieu, ah really do...) Remember, I obsess over this celebrity crap so you don't have to.

BTW, here's a pic of my good buddy Mr. Fab, once I told him the news that Bobby Brown was the front runner in our poll. Poor guy - he put on his best antlers and everything.