Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Tyrannical Tuesday

Cutting Back on Smoking Won't Cut Death Risk
(However, your coffin won't smell so bad.)

Of COURSE I have to say something about this. It's ME!

First of all, Ms. Anderson's making my marital record look really good in comparison.

Secondly, I'm sorry - maybe I'm sounding intolerant, but doesn't Kid Rock look like the kind of guy you'd bring home to mother when mother's not home? Eewwww...

The fact that he's reproduced is even scarier, but maybe fate's played a cruel joke on ol' Kid and his progeny is a member of the chess club. It could be worse, I suppose, but I'm not sure how.

This whole thing seemed weird anyway - they were together, they broke up, and then they got married three times. That's probably what caused it, if you want my opinion. It's one thing to get married more than once in your lifetime, and another to get married more than Kid Rock washes his hair.

I do feel for the couple, however, and if you'll take a look, I've even created a special want-ad for Pamela so she can receive the legal assistance she needs.

Hey, what can I say? I live to give.

This next item is making my stomach turn slightly, and it's not lutefisk. It's the ABBA Museum in Stockholm, Sweden!!!

I understand the tribute to these perky Scandinavians. Really, I do. I'm not without a sentimental side. Y'all know I wax rhapsodic about many of my favorite performers in here, so I'm not being a grump-ass. I understand why Graceland exists. I understand the meanings behind The Rock And Roll Hall of Fame and the Motown Museum. I even (God help me) understand why the Liberace museum still exists.



I know people like ABBA. My sister was one of them. I followed her lead when she liked them, but then I grew up and figured out that there's lots of other music out there that doesn't involve two hot Swedish women and two ugly Swedish guys. I have avoided them ever since - I didn't even go see "Mamma Mia" when I was in Vegas. (I didn't see ANYTHING except the room service menu and pay-per-view movies, really...but we're not talking about that right now.)

Here's a description from the article as to what will be available for ABBA heads if they visit this museum (opening in 2008):

The interactive museum will feature original outfits and instruments used by the group, handwritten song lyrics, a display of different awards, and "all other things we can think of and find," said Ulf Westman, an event consultant who is spearheading the project with his wife Ewa Wigenheim-Westman.

The museum will also feature a studio where visitors can record their own ABBA songs, and an interactive experience that "will recreate the feeling of being at Wembley stadium and seeing ABBA live with 50,000 others," Westman said.

(Note to self - refrain from traveling to Sweden anytime soon.)

Maybe I'm just being harsh. But you know what? TOO BAD! They've sold a gazillion records, but that only means I have to grudgingly respect them, not catch the next plane to Stockholm and wait in line for this shrine to 70's pop is completed.

In other words, I ain't going. I has spoken...

Next, please!

From the "coffee, tea or grand larceny" files...

According to this article, the IHOP had a policy in place that required diners to turn in their drivers licenses before they could be served.

Now they don't.

To quote the article:

QUINCY, Mass. - John Russo has been a victim of identity theft. So when he was asked to fork over a photo ID just to be seated at an IHOP pancake restaurant, he flipped.

"'You want my license? I'm going for pancakes, I'm not buying the Hope diamond,' and they refused to seat us," Russo said, recounting his experience this week at the Quincy IHOP.

The restaurant now has agreed to reverse the policy of requiring customers to turn
over their driver's licenses before they can order — a rule that was enacted to discourage "dine and dash" thefts.

The IHOP corporate offices in Glendale, California issued a statement to the extent that one employee had an idea. That idea pissed someone off, and it has been thoroughly quashed. In corporate language, here is how it read:

"This was done without the knowledge or approval of management. ... We apologize to any guest who was inconvenienced..."

In all seriousness, I can see both sides. I was a waitress in college, and I had a big group of people pull a "dine and dash" on me. It was really embarrasing. However, how trustworthy WAS that security officer at the Quincy, Massachussets IHOP? He could have been some guy dressed up in a suit. We don't know.

However, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the following text was edited out by IHOP Executive Management:

We're not sure exactly WHO suggested this idea, but they are being drawn and quartered in the corporate conference room as we speak. His next of kin will be notified and sent gift cards to ease their pain and suffering. However, before they're seated, they'll be required to turn in their drivers licenses for security purposes.

Next, a crisis of international proportions...

There's a Santa shortage? Who knew?

According to this article, Berlin's fresh out of Kris Kringles. Saint Nicks are in short supply. There's just not enough of that jolly ol' elf...oh, God...I'm making myself sick. Sorry.


1. Chubbiness (if possible)
2. Beard optimal, but not necessary

However, to quote the article, something's kind of fishy in this arrangement:

The Santas, many of whom are students, earn 28 euros ($37) a visit for bringing a sack of presents provided by the parents into each home and handing them out.

The average amount of visits in one evening range about 10 - 12, but if a Santa is enterprising enough, they can make up to 20. (Apparently, Santa must require copious amounts of crystal meth. Thank god it's cheap.)

The catch? Right here, folks:

But Santas must also pay 45 euros for a costume and give the agency 15 percent of earnings.

OK...so we've got 28 Euros per visit, and 12 visits per night average. That's 336 Euros. However, if you take away the costume fees and 15%, that's not such a heck of a deal for Santa, now, is it?

And what about the hazards of winter, such as ice and snow? Freezing temperatures? Frostbite?

What about muggings? Pickpockets? Perverts? Vicious dogs? Cold and Flu season? Kids puking on you? Drunk guys stealing your hat? Ugly drunk women wanting to sit on your lap and demonstrate the difference between "naughty" and "nice"?

Not enough for me, I'll tell ya. It's hell to be Santa.

Finally, a little bit of sweetness with the cynicism.

This story really touched my heart. It's weird, but a good kind of weird.

To quote the article:

Aaron Grenier and Michelle Hogsten, both 24, exchanged their vows Saturday at a nursing home in this southern Ohio community.

Now, this wouldn't be my choice, but read the full story, which you can do by clicking here:

He wanted his mom to be a presence at their wedding, but due to several health setbacks, she couldn't be. Therefore, as the old saying goes, "If Mohammed can't come to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed."

That is so sweet. Other residents came to join the fun, and really, it couldn't have worked out better. They had a place to protect them from the elements, the groom's mother was there, and the residents got to come and enjoy the festivities too.

If the bride is reading this, one of the best indicators of how a man is going to treat you is how he treats his mother. If he is willing to bring your special day to her instead of taking her to it and risking her health, he's going to be a hell of a good man to you. Hug him tight, honey.

And that is all for this lovely Tuesday.