Friday, November 17, 2006

Friday Farce, TomKat Wedding Blues, and other picture postcards...

Today in history:

In 1962, Washington's Dulles International Airport was dedicated by President Kennedy.
(Too bad Kennedy didn't mandate that Dulles shouldn't be a pain in the arse to get through.)

Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean is 58.
(insert maniacal scream here)

OK...Friday's here, be of good cheer...etc., etc.

The weather around here has been very very...WEIRD. First of all, it's been in the 60's all week. Secondly, yesterday was rain rain rain PLUS tornado watches. DC Metro NEVER has tornados. That's a Midwest/South Central thing, right?

Secondly, I have joined up with Iowa Blogs. Yeah, I know, I don't LIVE there...but I'm figuring out that for better or worse, Iowa is where I'm from and I will never REALLY escape it. I'll give it my's still part of me. So I got confirmation from the list keeper for Iowa Blogs that I'll be added by next week. In the meantime, go check it out for yourself by clicking HERE.

Thirdly, a little town about an hour west of my hometown made the Washington Post. Yep...if you click here, you can read about this interesting twist of fate. I read it, re-read it, and was pretty impressed. So much so, in fact, that I wrote to Courtland Milloy (the columnist that wrote this story) and told him of the coincidence. He even wrote back and asked me what I was doing here in DC?

I told him that I'd love to tell him but he had to tell me why he was in Iowa, so maybe an interview will come out of it. Who knows?

At any rate, click on the link and you'll be magically whisked away to What Cheer, Iowa through the perspective of a big-city reporter. Heck, if you want to assist in pleading my case, you can click here to get his e-mail address!

Well, enough of personal crap - let's get on with the business at hand...

First of all, Hollyweird is chompin' at the bit for the impending TomKat nuptials. I did discuss the bizarro wedding vows here, but there's just so much more for me to desecrate that I felt another entry was very necessary.

As a woman who's been married as many times as Cruise has, I feel that I should put in my two cents. After all, isn't it tradition that when you get married, other people should bug you about what THEY think you should do? Of COURSE!

So, in the interest of worldwide peace, love and buttercream frosting, let's just go over what the plans are. From the article, here's a starter:

Scientology ceremonies contain many elements of traditional weddings rings, procession, vows, etc. But they also include certain Scientology fundamentals, including vowing to never to go to bed without communicating about any differences. They also stress the Scientology tenet known as ARC A for affinity, the closeness between a couple; R for reality, what a couple agrees on; C for communication, the exchange of ideas and thoughts.
OK - fair enough for the first part. I'm even cool with the whole "not going to bed mad" (which is really what it boils down to...). In fairness, however, if that was the way everyone worked, there'd be either lots of insomnia or a sharp increase in Tylenol PM if one is passive-agressive or non-confrontational.

The tenet? Uh...huh? In theory, it's probably a good idea. However, Rancho Sudiegirl Nuptials, Inc., suggests the following tenets in its place:

1. Sharing, Humility, Idolatry, Telling it like it is - a.k.a. SHIT
2. Kindness, Idleness, Neutrality, Gullibility: KING
3. Laziness, Offensiveness, Arbitrariness, Dumbness: LOAD

(BTW, we are equal opportunity here...if you have your own tenets to share, please place them lovingly in the comments.)

ABC also reported on the details on the morning show "Good Morning America". They had to mention the vows, didn't they? Even after my Press-Citizen post yesterday, I'm still honked off about this for two reasons: the inequality of them and the HOKEYNESS of them as well!

Tom's vows, per the post:

For Tom, the more traditional sermon would go like this: "Now Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills. A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat."

Uh - NO! If I'm going to get married, I want a hell of a lot more than that. I already have clothes, a comb, a pan (several, in fact). I can get food. I gave up on tender happiness in 1994, and frills make my butt look big. You know what? Here's how I think his vows should be:

I, Thomas Cruise Mapother (his real name, BTW) take thee, Katie Holmes, to be my lawfully wedded arm candy, until someone younger than you twitches her butt in front of me. I take you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in liposuction and in health, and you must forsake all others, for as long as we both shall live. Oh, and I'm really sorry about that whole jumping on the couch thing.
And whither Katie? Oh, her vows are quite idiotic indeed. Here's what Scientology requires:

For Katie: "Hear well, sweet Katie. … For promise binds. Young men are free and may forget. Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too."

Two initial thoughts?

1. Call Gloria Steinem, tell her to dig up L. Ron Hubbard's remains, and then bitch-slap the corpse around a little bit. How misogynistic can you get?

2. How come it's up to the woman to remind the dude if he forgets something?

Here's how Katie's vows should read:

I Katie, take you Tom, to be my lawful wedded husband. I promise to look the other way when you ogle young women at the Galleria. I promise to love you through three bankruptcies, after which I will run off with the poolboy and take Suri with me. Oh, and by the way, I signed the pre-nup with my left hand so I don't think it's valid. And I used your Visa card to buy an elephant. I kept the receipt, though, in case you want to return it.

Fair enough? I think so.

Finally, a few more tidbits. I'm cool with Armani designing her dress. However, instead of Andrea Bocelli singing, I'm really offended that they didn't call me. And what about Rosie O'Donnell? She claimed to have a crush on Tom...they should have asked her to sing, especially now that she plays for the other team, so to speak.

So anyway, those are my two cents, and that's all I got. Smooches!