Saturday, September 30, 2006

Ugly is as ugly does...

The picture at left is of a Chinese crested dog. These dogs are usually the leading breed of dog in the National Ugly Dog Contest. I watched this show for the first time today, and I learned a few things.

First of all, the dogs are totally loved by their owners. One dog had a collar with his name spelled out in rhinestones. At least two of them were adopted from animal shelters. One (an Italian Greyhound) was deemed a hopeless case, suffering from encephalitis and other illnesses, but survived and is now happy and thriving with her family.

There were a couple dogs I didn't really think were ugly at all. One was a bulldog and the other was a bassett hound. I don't know who told those dogs' owners that the dogs were ugly, but they need glasses worse than I do.

The criteria was what you'd expect...they went on looks, temperament and general attitude. Apparently "vicious, rip-your-face-off" qualities don't really work, although they are indeed ugly. Nope...they want family friendly humping legs, no biting preschool kids, no chasing the Discovery Channel film crew. Bummer...I would have paid to see some "Animals Gone Wild" kind of action. Considering it's cable and I already pay for it anyway, I figure it's my due.

I do understand the underlying motives behind the contest: animal rescue awareness, recognition of rare breeds that aren't "classically beautiful", not judging a book by its cover (or collar, as the case may be), and all that heartwarming stuff.

But you know, if you would create a contest for ugly PEOPLE, how many different organizations would be up in arms about it? I don't have enough fingers and toes to count them all...I'd have to call a few friends. But the point is, it's high time SOME joker around here put together a contest of this sort, and by God, I'm just the dame to do it.

So ladies and gentlemen, I give you...The First Annual Ugly Person Contest. Now mind you, like other ventures of Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., it's totally "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" and if you want something that's well thought out, you'd better read Arianna Huffington. I'm not your girl.

There are certain elements that go into an Ugly Person Contest...first of all, the proper ambience and judging staff, etc. Here's my tell me who you think should be approached!

1. HOST: Like every pageant, a good host is key. The host reflects the essence of the contest and also fills up dead air with patter. So if we want both essence and patter, here are some perspective victims - uh - candidates:

**Carrot Top (he brings his own props)
**Heywood Banks (he brings his own props and SINGS!)
**Michael Jackson (only if we can smuggle him into the U.S. with the Muppets)
**The Oak Ridge Boys (why? They'll do ANYTHING, especially if it's in Branson.)

2. LOCATION: A good pageant location also screams "Look at me! The best examples of this type of honor will be encased inside my walls! Yeah baby!" The candidates for this location are:

**Chernobyl (a favorite for the irony-lovers out there)
**Toledo, Ohio (not sure why other than it's Max Klinger's hometown)
**Any VFW hall that has an opening in June.
**The Liberace Museum in Las Vegas (if they have enough floor space and rent out chairs and let us bring our own food.)

3. JUDGES: Good judges are essential to a successful pageant. With that in mind, who in this world would be qualified to deem someone an "Ugly Human", yet be able to get any kind of good work after this? Again, I suggest, you decide or make your own contribution. My ideas are:

**Leonard Nimoy (he needs the work...why should William Shatner have all the glory?)
**Fred Willard (Why not? He played a dog show judge in "Best of Show" so he already has the experience)
**Roseanne (if nobody likes her choices, she'll sing "The National Anthem".)
**Britney Spears (if she can find child care or spell child care and wants to work for Taco Bell coupons, she's in!)

4. CONTEST SPONSOR: This is also a delicate, yet important alliance. Like Peanuts specials and Dolly Madison snack cakes, the Ugly Person contest needs a sponsor that reflects what the competition is all about...the perfect vision of throw-up-in-your-mouth-a-little-ugly. Here are my ideas:

**Mary Kay Cosmetics (because we all know Mary Kay isn't dead...she's a Disney animatronic figure that they bring out at conventions)
**Avon (that "root for the underdog" kind of thing)
**Home Depot (why? They sell spackle and tarps. Trust me...y0u'll get the joke in a few minutes. If not, you'll get it at two in the A.M. )
**Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream (because Rancho Sudiegirl is putting together this damn thing and it's my favorite ice cream, dammit!)

So with that, I say:

When you're ugly, you're ugly as sin...
but when beautiful's out, ugly's in...
if you're ugly like me,
you're in good company...
there are MILLIONS of us who're ugly!

Your favorite media maven,

PS: I mean it when I say I wanna hear your opinions. Maybe the first blog pageant can be created...ya think?