I'm back...I'm sure you missed me...

Jessica Simpson told to rest her voice
(Finally...tangible proof that there IS a God.)

Well, folks...I was sicker than the proverbial dog yesterday. I think I caught a cold or something...I sounded like Charles Bronson, my glands were swollen, and my nose would alternate between running and stopping up like I poured cement in there. Can you say YUCK? Anyway, all I can say is thank GOD for Sudafed PE! Oh yeah...I'm still coughing and snotting around to a degree, but nowhere NEAR what it was yesterday.

YUCK YUCK YUCK.

Also, went to the psych yesterday, and she's increasing the Lamictal, but I have to get the blood test taken to check my lithium levels. Blah. That's the part I hate, but I have to do it.

I'm not scared of needles per se, but I'm a hard stick, meaning my blood vessels are not going to cooperate. I tell the phlebotomist/nurse/whoever that I'm a hard stick, but they never seem to believe me until they actually try for a vein and learn for themselves.

God forbid if I have to give blood...I remember going to a couple blood drives, and again they didn't listen to me when I said I was a hard stick. One woman wasn't paying any attention at all, and it wasn't until I screamed "OW OW OW OW!" that she paid attention. But by that time, I had a hematoma that was shaped kind of like Elvis or Orson Welles (depending on the angle you were viewing from).

Her statement after that? "Gee, I guess you ARE a hard stick, huh?"

The only thing that saved her from being pummelled was the fact that the Red Cross people brought cookies. Cookies hath charms to soothe the savage Sudiegirl.

Another time when I tried to donate, it was a gentleman doing it. Again, I said the same thing..."I'm a hard stick, just so you know."

So what does he do? He tries to put the needle in a vein on my hand and MISSES.

Sudiegirl's response? "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Jesus Christ, are you trying to KILL ME???"

Ed (husband #2) was already done and about ready to bust someone's head. Luckily, the nurse came in, helped the phlebotomist out, and said, "I don't think we should try this today."

Gee, ya think?

Anyway, enough of my tale of woe. It's time to make some observations regarding the world around us.

First of all, we have a "Huh?" award winner.

The "Huh?" award winner for today:

Recipient: Daniel Edwards

Reason for award: He created a very...uh...MOVING sculpture dedicated to the first "kitten" in the TomKat household.

To quote the article:

Turning "fine art" into what may be the most subjective term in the world, a bronze sculpture entitled Suri's Bronzed Baby Poop, inspired by TomKitten's first solid meal and the fecal matter that presumably followed, will go on display Wednesday.

Daniel Edwards, who previously brought us Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston, the sculpture of a very pregnant and very nude
Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug, is the man responsible for this idea, which according to a press release was also inspired by the successful children's book Everybody Poops.

The sculpter means for this ode to baby poop to be a statement on modern media - in short, the media pays more attention to celebrity babies than on other critical issues facing the world today (war, famine, etc.)

Judge's comments:

Uh...hmmm...

OK. I GUESS I can see the artistic statement/relevance of this piece, especially if I step away from it about five feet and squint. Then it looks more like an abstract paperweight.

I have actually thumbed through the book Everybody Poops and was very tempted to buy it for my sister's children at one time. Not sure why, really, but there ya go.

However, couldn't the bronzed feces be attributed to anyone? It could be Sean Preston's poo...it could be Shiloh's poo (as in Brangelina's offspring)...it could be any celebrity baby's poo. Other than the artist telling us that it's Suri's poo, how do we know?

I feel kind of ripped off here. I want some kind of validation...an authenticity certificate or SOMETHING, telling me whose poop it really is.

And to you parents out there, don't babies poo even if they're just taking in breast milk? I thought they did, but since I have never whelped any babies, I could be wrong.

*****UPDATE: I received two comments re: baby poo and breastfeeding. Here they are.

1. From LGF

He states: Typically the poop that follows breast milk is mostly liquid and comes out in little bitty eruptions. It's yellowish, has a weird odor to it, and stronly resembles Dijon Mustard. (Some might say Grey Poop-on. Sorry, had to go there)

2. From a mystery guest named "Circe"

She states: re the poo - perhaps it's suri's poo because there's some contreversy as to whether she even exits - the fact that she poo's is just further proof that she's definately real and just like anyone else - stink and all (poo before solid food and breastmilk only really isn't stinky, just smells different, the stink doesn't start until after they start eating real food)
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From the "Well, at LEAST this state produced Grant Wood, John Wayne and Meredith Willson..." files

Yes, it's true...Tom Arnold is again soon-to-be-single.

And YES, he's originally from my home state...his hometown is Ottumwa, Iowa.

Trivia for you: Ottumwa and Washington are in the same sports conference, and ol' Tom attended my collegiate alma mater as well. (Yeah, yeah, quit laughing.)

In addition, the brother of one of my good high school friends worked for the construction company that got stiffed by Tom Arnold and Rosanne Barr. Yep...it's true...their mansion was only half done and they never paid up. I never had any "Roseanne" sightings, nor did I eat in their "Big Food Diner". Oh well...I guess I'll never know the mystique.

Anyway, Arnold and his third wife are separating as opposed to divorcing. According to the article:

A legal separation simply entails a permanent division of a couple's assets, and paves the way for an easier reconciliation than if the marriage was officially dissolved.

Apparently he has learned from his past mistakes.
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Next, in the "Interesting Incentives" files...

Brothels in Sydney, Australia are offering discounts to customers based on their petrol bills.

In short, if they want a cheap lay, they have to produce a receipt for their gas costs and they'll get a discount. In this case, they will have 20 cents taken off their "pleasure bill" for every gallon of gas they put in their car. They even have coupons! To quote the article:

There is no link between brothels, petrol providers or supermarkets but brothels like The Site and Madame Kerry's say the system is simple. Once you've filled up your car, bring your receipt to the brothel and they'll discount the price of your visit. The bill for a full 50-litre tank at 126.9 cents per litre comes to A$63.45 (25.46 pounds). With the offered 20c a litre discount, the petrol bill would have instead come to A$53.45. That A$10 difference is taken off the A$150 cost of a 30-minute session with one of the brothel's "service providers". The Site has taken out cut-out newspaper ads offering the service.

Note to self: Do not allow D to go to Australia for his bachelor party. However, maybe I should save money for Tom Arnold, huh?

___

From the "This sounds like the title of a grade-Z horror movie starring William Shatner and David Hasselhoff" files...

First of all, here's the headline. Don't tell me that this doesn't conjure images of some nasty direct to video movie...

Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

I mean, COME ON! That's a great title. It's worthy of top billing if drive-ins were still in vogue.

Anyway, even though the headline is quite...um...DESCRIPTIVE, the concerns of this town are valid. A group of raccoons have been terrorizing the citizens of Olympia, Washington. So far, they have left the corpses of 10 cats in their wake, not to mention attacking a small dog and biting a pet owner who subsequently had to receive rabies shots.

I'm not downplaying their fear or mocking it...but it's a strain not to. Here's a quote from the article...

"It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who with Kari Hall started a raccoon watch after an emotional neighborhood meeting drew 40 people. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."

Now doesn't that sound like the kind of line that William Shatner would utter to a crowd of angry townspeople? I can see it now...

William Shatner making his way through a crowd of people in the throes of fear, wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. The crowd noise is almost deafening as the citizens continue to panic and insist that none of Shatner's ideas will work.

OK...now here's the thing, gentle readers...if anyone feels brave enough to do this, be my guest.

What would YOU have Shatner say to the panicked throng of townspeople with regard to psycho killer urban raccoons???

If you're interested in playing this game, just put your thoughts in the comments, and all those who enter will have their statements placed in the next entry.

Go for it! What have you got to lose? (Besides your pride, that is...)

******UPDATE: Here are some killer lines from Shatner fans.

1. Again, from "Circe" the mystery guest...

William Shatner as Denny Crane - "can we get a double bed big enough for the racoons to join in?"

William Shatner as Cpt Kirk - "set...your phasers....on.....stun..spock...what is this...life form?...mccoy...can you ...develop...a serum?"

William Shatner re priceline - "we'll give you a great priceline discount if you happen to be bit and think of the memories"

2. From Hoss

William Shatner to the fearing crowd: "Fear not, my lovelies. I shall dress in my goldfish suit and pipe these babies right out of town."

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Finally, a thought for the day...

"It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself."
— Betty Friedan, American feminist and author (1921-2006).

Sudiegirl's response:

Can I pick who or what I want to live through? If I can, I pick living through George Clooney's clothes. Oh yeah...that's the stuff.