It's a scorcher! Maybe this will cool you off...

Healing Secrets of the Old World
(How much you wanna bet that LEECHES are on the list?)








Desire Controls What We See, Study Finds
(So that explains why I have such crappy eyesight??!)










Vintage warplanes going airborne again
(So if you see a beagle on a Sopwith Camel, there's a perfectly valid explanation after all!)









So how many of you remembered a double coat of Right Guard (or else insert your brand here)? I can raise my hand 'cause I'm Sure! Oh no, it's come down to deodorant jokes from me? OH well - I must be crazy from the heat. Let's just keep this a Secret, OK?

Enough of this heat-induced babbling.

I have found some award-winners for the new "distinctions" I established last week. Let me know what you think - and if you have ideas of who should win, please submit them in my comments, and I'll get right on it!

First, the "Egg Sucking Dog" awards.

Our first designee is from Germany - and even though he's a postal worker, I am not defending him. Read this article to find out why. If you're too lazy, here's the scenario: He basically had stacks and stacks of other people's mail in his home. Can you say "illegal"? Here's a quote from the article:

"There were just too much and I couldn't deliver it all by myself," he told the newspaper.

Ya know, I can honestly say that if this man tried to submit a union grievance in THIS country after he pulled this stunt, they'd stick his union dues in his ear and tell him to work at McDonalds instead.

So I say to Mr. German Postal Worker - "Du bist ein egg-sucking dog!"

Next, to show that Rancho Sudiegirl's esteemed panel of judges believe in equality, our next designee is of the female persuasion. According to this article, our heroine (from Aloha, Oregon, no less - and remember, "Aloha" means I love you as well as hello and goodbye) developed a crush on a police officer who had responded to an earlier noise complaint.

So how did this fair, 45-year old maiden pursue her unrequited love?

Did she put an ad in the paper? NO.

Did she go to the police station/sheriff's department and ask around? NO.

She called 911 to get the guy's phone number. Apparently Homer Simpson has a long-lost sister in Oregon.

To quote the egg-sucking dog from the article:

"Honey, I'm just going to be honest with you, OK? I just thought he was cute. I'm 45 years old and I'd just like to meet him again, but I don't know how to go about doing that without calling 911," she said. "I know this is absolutely not in any way, shape or form an emergency, but if you would give the officer my phone number and ask him to come back, would you mind?"

Apparently, they did. D'oh!

So this second egg-suckin' dog will have to "kennel up" in the county pokey. Bad dog!

Next up, the "International League of Buttheads".

We've got several members that are joining today. The first one is that great beer magnate, Peter Coors.

If you check out this article, you'll find that Mr. Coors was indulging a bit and was busted for DUI. In other words, he "got shot by the Silver Bullet" one night. Here's a quote from the king of hops and barley:

"I made a mistake. I should have planned ahead for a ride," Coors said in a statement. "For years, I've advocated the responsible use of our company's products."

Gee, ya think? I don't envy Mr. Coors - he'll have to get special SR-21 insurance now, but maybe he can just have his chauffeur drive him around instead until the sentence has wound down. In the meantime, he can show off his "Butthead" award to all his colleagues, and they in turn will laugh at his ass.

This next listing is actually for a group of people that call themselves "juggalos". Go here to read the article in its entirety, but here's a very descriptive quote of our Butthead squad from Seattle, WA:

The group, who said they were "juggalos," devotees of the Detroit-based rap-metal group Insane Clown Posse, attacked and robbed visitors to Fort Steilacoom Park while shouting "Woo, woo, juggalo!" to each other, according to court documents.

OK - they must have been clowns. Ya know why?

1. Only clowns run around making strange noises after they frighten people out of their ever-loving minds.

2. Only clowns say words like "woo woo".

3. Only clowns get caught wearing freakish makeup.

So these boys will be making obscene balloon sculptures from prison - enjoy your buttheads, guys - they've obviously been EARNED.

Finally, the jewel in our crown - the coveted (not sure by whom) "Scrappy Doo".

This week, Scrappy Doo goes to...(drum roll, please...)

Michael Jackson.

Why? WHY NOT?

Actually, there is a "why". Mr. Jackson (and apparently, the Human Resources staff at the Neverland Ranch) have not figured out the concept of "background checks" yet. Click here to read the results in their entirety.

A former employee, F. Marc Schaffel, was fired from Jackson's employ once the King of Pop found out that Mr. Schaffel produced a gay porn film. Furthermore, Mr. Schaffel sued Mr. Jackson for damages and was awarded a $900,000 judgment. To quote the article:

But the six men and six women who, over the course of several weeks, heard all sorts of kooky stuff--from Jackson's phone messages telling the plaintiff, F. Marc Schaffel, that he loved him, to Schaffel testifying that he traveled to South Africa on Jackson's behalf because the onetime King of Pop was interested in adopting some boys--also awarded Jackson a $200,000 judgment in a countersuit he brought against his ex-associate last year.

The awards committee at Rancho Sudiegirl had this to say:

Chelmsford: "Michael Jackson scares me."

Millie: "Yeah, well, toilet paper scares you too, ya freak! He's stupid - OK, Fine, let's give him the award. Can I go eat now?"

Truly, much thought was put into this nomination, so Mr. Jackson, you have truly earned the Scrappy Doo this week. Always check your references! Also, let's not pretend that sleeping with underage boys is OK, but gay porn is not. Need to check the priorities there.

So until I find more things to annoy you with, I remain your judgmental yet lovable...

Sudiegirl