caution - opinions ahead - watch your step and note the nearest exits.

When I first read of Lance Bass being gay, a couple things went through my mind.

The first one was, "Who?"

The second thought was, "Oh yeah - the weird looking one with the buggy eyes."

The third thought? "But they're all weird looking. Which one is he again? Didn't they break up already? So they're not doing anything, right?"

(Apologies to those reading that might be fans of 'NSync, and/or are related to the subject of this rant - er, um - column.)

OK - I guess I'm too old to appreciate the significance of 'NSync (or however the hell you spell their name). That won't necessarily stop me from having anything to say, though.

My "teen generation" ('80s) really didn't have boy bands - we were coming off the Jackson 5 and Osmond mystique in the late '70s, and then Michael Jackson came from a family band to solo status. I was in my sophomore year of college when New Kids on the Block made the scene, so I didn't fall under the spell then either, so this concept is really foreign to me.

(Technically, can groups like Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block and 'NSync be called a band? Other people played instruments...they just stood there (or danced) and sang - at least during the one time I saw them. Help me out here.)

Let me lay this out for myself to make sure I understand. (Please note that I am just blowing smoke out my ass at this point, and making things up at some points...if you get offended, let me know.)

Lance Bass was a member of 'NSync, I think he also made a lousy movie in the process, and then the band broke up. Am I good so far?

Oh, and he also wanted to be an astronaut ("space tourist" was the term used in the website I believe...click here to take a look at him in his little uniform.)

Obviously, since the movie was lousy, no more offers came his way. After the group broke up and he wasn't shot off into space, he didn't want to work at the Gap. He made TV appearances here and there in an effort to remind the public that BY GUM, he was still out there working.

However, that must not have been enough. So now we have "Lance is gay".

I don't care, mind you, but it does seem that it's just as much of a publicity move as anything. Yes, he has kept in the public eye enough to keep his SAG card or whatever, but nothing earthshattering. Then this bombshell comes along, the boyfriend is from "The Amazing Race" reality show (which I've never watched), and Justin Timberlake (who was dumb enough to say he still had feelings for ol' Britney "Pass the Cheetos" Spears) offers up his support.


BTW, here's the picture of Justin Timberlake that People's website decided to run. Is it me, or does he look like he could be managing a Denny's or a Walgreens? Hardly the look one would expect from a former boy-band guy. Here are more types of people Justin reminds me of:

1. Mormon or Jehovah's Witness (or other Christian denominations that hand out tracts and tell you you'll go to hell if you don't go to their church)

2. Middle managers in an insurance company, or maybe a junior accountant.

3. The nice guy who sits behind you in church that turns out to be an axe murderer.

OK...Got off the subject there.

Maybe I'm cynical but I've got questions. Here they are.

1. Did the other guys in 'NSync know that Lance was gay, or did they find out when the public found out?

2. How many people care?

OK, let's face it. Lance wasn't exactly setting the world on fire. I'm not saying it was a publicity stunt at all. It's the timing. He comes off the "Game Show Marathon", and then BOOM!

Not only that, he has a hot boyfriend. Wow. SO not fair.

But why go to all that trouble with a press release? Here's my theory...I mean, come on. The dude was doing game shows, he's gay...it only proves one thing. He's Paul Lynde's illegitimate child.

(Again, I apologize for offending, but you gotta admit...it's all there.)

Sudiegirl
the crackpot theorist