Useless information and a story from Sudie's past...
Thursday is here
Be of good cheer
Drink a large beer
Rope a big steer
And have no fear
‘cause the weekend’s near.
(This was NOT written by a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, BTW…just little ol’ Sudiegirl. Truly, inspired by Yeats, Shelley, and…Burma Shave.)
Couple things on my mind, but that’s not unusual, right? 
First of all…I have a concern regarding Howie Mandel.
“Huh?” you ask.
Yep…Howie Mandel.
I always dug Howie doing the stand-up thing, really. I think my favorite line of his was “I’m in comedy prison; instead of death row, I’m on punch line.” 
But I’m disturbed by this “bald Howie” thing. Really, I am (see pic at left.)
With a bald pate, he looks a lot like:
Anton LaVey (Satanic priest; one of my first husband’s role models)
Or
(Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO! Har-har)
Why did Howie shave himself bald? Does anyone know? Was it head lice? Dandruff? A lack of new episodes of “Charmed”?
Whatever. I’m sad. I miss Howie's curly locks. I always thought that was what made him a cutie-pie in my book. But alas, no more curls. If I’d known he’d be shaving his head, I’d have asked him to send me a lock of his hair. (I know, that’s twisted even for me, but hey…this is just how things work in my head.)
I’ll just say it like this: In every school across America, there is always someone that (for reasons known/unknown to everyone else) doesn’t bathe, wash their hair, use deodorant or change their clothes.
They may be skinny, they may be fat. They may be short or tall, male or female.
They may be loners or they may involve themselves in the same extra-curriculars you do. 
But you know them...they’re the ones who, when drawn for a holiday exchange, get one of those toiletry sets from Wal-Mart, Avon or the local drugstore with deodorant, soap-on-a-rope, and cologne. They’re also the ones who are dumb enough to say, “I’ve gotten two other packs like this and I haven’t used them yet.” (Fortunately, they’re also the ones who are so oblivious to social cues that they don’t see the eyes of everyone in the room roll at once.)
This guy did exist. I went to school with him. I'm still in therapy because of this.
Moreover, this guy was between my sister and I in school, so we both had to put up with him.
He was a senior and I was a sophomore. He was in all the same groups I had an interest in: band, choir, and drama. So was his sister. This girl had nerves of steel, having to put up with him. She defended him a lot more than I think she should’ve, but it’s her family situation, not mine.
This guy was infamous for several stunts, some of which I witnessed (he will be referred to as “Stinky” at this point):
- One day, Stinky locked his street clothes in his gym locker but forgot the combination, so he had to wear his gym clothes to music appreciation class. He smelled so bad that he caused my sister to have an asthma attack, and the principal as well as they gym teacher escorted him to the locker room and made him shower while his gym clothes were washed.
- We both tried out for All-State when he was a senior and I was a sophomore. I made it, but he didn’t. Stinky subsequently threw a fit worthy of a kindergartener…it was bad enough that our choir director put him in the nurse’s office and turned out the light so he could calm down. I walked by, he saw me, and he asked me (whining, of course): “Sue, why do you hate me?” I replied, matter-of-factly, “Because you’re an asshole.” The boy I was dating at the time (6’4”, on the football team, and willing to tie this guy in a pretzel knot) threatened to break his neck in eight places.
- Stinky also had a crush on me. I had to advise him that I was seeing someone else and wasn’t interested. I had to turn him down three times (for the Muscular Dystrophy dance-a-thon, Homecoming, and just general dating). His reasoning for this, and I quote: “Well, back in junior high we were the two ugliest kids in junior high school and I thought you’d want to go out with me.” Well, that put an end of me being even remotely nice to him.
YEARS later, when I thought Stinky was completely out of my life…I found out I was mistaken. I auditioned for a play with the community theater in my hometown, and before I had a chance to say anything, he opened his big bazoo and said, “HI SUE!”
It was like God was putting the obstacle in my path and laughing His butt off at me.
Well, what did I do? I was…gulp…nice.
(I know…it surprised me too.)
But I wanted a part in this play. I really did, so I put up with Stinky at the audition and it paid off. I GOT THE FEMALE LEAD!!!
However, when I got to the first night of play practice, Stinky was there too. I went to the women’s restroom and made a fervent plea to my maker to PLEASE, PLEASE not let my
“husband” in the play be STINKY and I WOULD DEDICATE MY LIFE TO BATHING LEPERS WITH MY TONGUE IF HE WOULD JUST GRANT THIS ONE REQUEST.He did, thank you.
And actually, I developed some kind of…interaction…with Stinky that bordered on pleasant. I found out he was married, and he had two kids. That kind of scared me – the fact that he reproduced – but considering I was once divorced already, who was I to talk? (BTW, the kids and the wife came to the play and none of them got the plot or anything, but they were there).
And, a few years ago, Stinky died.
He was in his mid to late-30’s, I think, but he died. He was very heavy-set, and he had a lot of health problems, so there you go. Stinky was the same age as his dad when he passed. I don’t think he was counting on it, but there ya go.
His mother was still alive then, helping his widow take care of his two children. However, she died yesterday.
She was his biggest cheerleader…she defended him against teachers, other kids, other parents, etc.
And now, she’s with him in Heaven, doing the same thing, I suppose.
So there ya go. Everyone can be loved, I guess…even Stinky.
One more thing before I go; I have a joke.Why did the booger cross the road?
Because he was always being picked on.
And with that classy attempt at humor, I bid y’all adieu.
Sudiegirl
(the high-class broad you know and love)
/div>
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