Killer Cats and Deadly Dogs...hide yer children, folks!

Sudiegirl sez: Well, as you know, the best weird news stuff comes from the animal kingdom. So I have selected one for cat people and one for dog people…whoever chooses which story as justified is up to them, I guess! Let’s open Door #1, folks…and explore the “El Destructo Ninja Cat” files, courtesy of Yahoo! News.

Crazy Cat Terrorizes Connecticut Town
(I thought that was Martha Stewart’s job?)
1 hour, 3 minutes ago

Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. (As opposed to a crazy entertainer named Jerry Lewis…)

Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer. (Where are the editors? This sentence structure is crap! Meanwhile, this cat is suffering from the after-effects of poor grammar and syntax. PETA should be alerted!)

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons." (Of course, nobody wants to discuss the switchblade mechanism installed in his tail, not to mention the tiny kitty nunchucks by his litterbox.)

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth (as opposed to guppy-like stealth, or inchworm-like stealth), have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car. (I really like this cat. Does Felix ever attack Hare Krishnas or the occasional Jehovah’s Witness? Mary Kay consultants would be the best ones though...)

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals. (I can’t say I’m surprised.)

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield. (I have a potential joke for this but I'm afeared that it might be too risque...if any of you wonderful readers have one, please feel free to insert in the comments...)

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home. (I must admit, to punish my cats, you’d have to make them leave the house only to go to the vet! That’d kill ‘em for sure.)

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, charging her with failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment. (OK…didn’t the officer JUST issue the restraining order? If so, why aren’t they giving Ms. Cisero a chance to comply or fail to comply? Sounds like abuse of authority to me. )
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Information from: Connecticut Post, http://www.connpost.com/


So you see, if you hate kitties, you’ll LOVE this post. But what about those of you out there who think dogs are just neurotic, drooling, hyperactive hairballs? Well, I thought of you too…And now, from the “I’m Lookin’ For the Man That Shot My Paw” files, and Yahoo! News…

'Severed Hand' Carried by Dog Was a Paw
Tue Mar 28, 8:27 PM ET

A report of what appeared to be a "severed hand" carried home by a pet dog created a short-lived news media sensation — until police announced it was a lion's paw from a local taxidermist's shop. (Now they’re freaking out and wondering where the rest of the lion is!)

The initial report raised speculation that the remains found by the chocolate Labrador retriever named Nestle might be traced to one of the city's missing persons cases. (OK…so many jokes are running through my head. You have a dog named Nestle – a Chocolate LAB – and all I can think of to say is “Well, just bring me a Labrador and I’ll retrieve it!” Ah, Looney Tunes have certainly taught me well.)

But the speculation ended late Tuesday afternoon when police said that a local taxidermist had the lion's paw at his business and a relative took it home and hung it on a fence to dry. The dog apparently knocked it down and brought it his home. (Again, notice the lack of editing. The last part of that sentence sounds like Frankenstein wrote it. “Me brought his home. Good, ah? ERGGGGGHHHH!”)

"I mean, this is much ado about nothing," police Capt. Greg Urban said late Tuesday as he hurriedly explained what happened. "I'm working on an armed robbery case now." (YOU MEAN THE DOG HAS A GUN?????)

Still, Kelly Kaisershot said her dog created a "big shock" when he dropped the severed limb by the back door and her three teenage children found it as they headed out for school Monday. She was already at work. (Oh boy…that sounds, oddly enough, like something one of our dogs would have done when Ruth and I were kids. However, unlike these teens, we would have argued over who got to take it to school and miss the bus therein.)

"They called me and said, `There's a problem here,'" she said Tuesday evening. (SEE? Nothing but scaredy-cat city kids.)

She estimated the 8-year-old Nestle had only been gone about 15 minutes before returning with his find. (He’s quite a retriever, then!)

"It looked like a human hand, I thought," Kaisershot said, describing it as off-white in color, with skin but no hair and no thumb to go with what looked like four fingers. (I can see where they’re coming from…)

She sounded unconvinced it was a lion's paw. (Where'd you get your first clue?)

"To me, it just seems strange," she said, "but as long as we're going that direction, fine." (Wow…could I have her negotiate things for me? Oh, add a NOT to that!!!!)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

Bill Murray was right…Dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!