Sunday, February 19, 2006

I feel bad for Nick Lachey, and other myths...

If you click on the title of this installment, you'll read that Nicky Boy wants Jessica Simpson to - basically - support his ass. Plus he wants his jewelry back from when he was richer than her.

Judging from the portrait at the left, the poor boy is practically destitute! He has no shirt. He's wearing a coat made out of the same kind of fake fur that was used for several Barbie fashions I had as a youth. In addition, he's got some of that "gumball machine" or "claw machine" jewelry, and a pair of pants that don't fit so he has to hold them up. Finally, he's so cold he looks like he's in the beginning stages of hypothermia. Poor guy.

What a hard life he leads, huh?

So the question remains: What the HELL is he going to do if the judge finds in favor of Jessica and he doesn't get any spousal support? Well, from what I understand about alimony is this: if you didn't give up anything so she could further her career, you don't really qualify for spousal support. That may be an Iowa thing, but maybe it applies in Cali too, ya think?

I'll bet he and his "homies" are sitting around the living room right now, and Nick is planning what he's going to do with that money. Probably buy a belt, first thing (see 2nd paragraph in case your short-term memory is faulty).

But I really can't feel too sorry for him or her. They should have signed the pre-nup. That way, he could have protected what was his, she keeps her new-found earnings safe, and they just walk away. Not that walking away is a happy ending, but it's a hell of a lot better than supporting a deadbeat.

You see...if Jessica pays Nicky-poo alimony, he may never want to get married again. That may not be a bad thing for the rest of the world, but it might be for ol' Nick...especially if he meets his true "soul mate" at the gym, the Kaballah center, or wherever Hollyweird folks get together. It will be THEN that he realizes he can't live as large as he wants because he'll lose his spot at the "cash cow", so to speak.

But could you imagine if Nick actually had to apply for a straight job? Like the rest of us?

It would be interesting to imagine him, say, signing up at Manpower as a temp to build up his skills. I tell you what, gentle readers...if you can help me figure out what job skills Mr. Lachey has to contribute to today's modern work world, I will post a "resume" on this site (containing your suggestions). Maybe Mr. Lachey will appreciate my help so much, he'll whip out Jessica's checkbook and pay me $10,000,000.00. Then again, Jessica will stop payment on that puppy quicker than you can say "Chicken of the Sea".

So come on people! Let's find Nick a straight job!

Job Coach to the Has-Been Teen Idol Set!