Tuesday, January 10, 2006

another edition of "Millie Knows Best (?)"

Well, I promised another advice column from Millie this week, so here we go.

YEAH, get the hell out of my way, meat puppet. This is MY show!

All right…ahem…mew…sorry, had a hairball…SOMEONE forgot to give me my VASELINE!

(editor’s note…whoops…sorry. That was my bad. Sudie)

Dear Millie:

I am a successful young woman who admires your forthright attitude on life, and have recently gone through tremendous heartbreak. How do you recover from life’s slings and arrows?

Fervent Admirer

Dear “Ferv”:


But seriously, when it comes to life taking a dump in my litter box, I just bury it and move on. NEXT!

Your pal,

Dear Millie:

I am about to marry someone who hates cats and is a dog lover. I have owned nothing but cats my whole life, and this is the only thing getting in the way of my true happiness. What do you suggest?

Kitties Rule and Doggies Drool

Dear Perfect Being (Sorry, I just had to make an approving note of your lifestyle):

I’d suggest peeing in his shoes, but that’s a bit redundant since I suggested that to someone last week.

However, think about your cat for a minute…sometimes, dogs are a better toy for cats than you realize. Do you realize how many things we do that dogs get blamed for? It’s astronomical! Plus, we run faster, and (unless they’re those damned tiny dogs) we fit snugly under most livingroom furniture. So we are practically perfect in every way. Just like Mary Poppins!

Your pal,

I’d answer more letters, but I’m tired. That’s just a feline fact of life. Time for my 18th nap of the day…

And there you have it! Isn’t she great?

Damn skippy! Where my French fries at?

See ya next week, you inferior bipeds!