Are beer goggles REALLY worth it? From the "I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home" files and Yahoo! News...

(Sudiegirl disclaimer: I don't think drinking to excess is a good idea most of the time, and am not condoning the concept. However, he wins the "Brass Balls" Award from Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc., for his bravery in the face of justified police brutality. I've had to stave off gents while they were in various degrees of intoxication myself, and only wish I had the letter of the law behind me like this lady had, and any of those men would have been hamburger. Read on, and as usual, comments are interspersed.)

Trooper: DUI Suspect Tried to Hit on Me

WOODVILLE, Maine - A state trooper says she's baffled by the behavior of a man who displayed amorous intentions as she was taking him into custody for getting into a car accident and failing three sobriety tests.
(Obviously she's never gone to a bar in my hometown on Karaeoke night. If I have to sing "Wind Beneath my Wings" for a bartender one more time...)

"What did he think I was going to do? Go out on a date with him?" said Trooper Jennifer Fiske, who arrested Peter Bradley Murray early Sunday morning on Route 116.
(Well, darlin', that's why they call 'em beer goggles. He probably thought your blue uniform was just lingerie from Frederick's "Civil Servants" collection.)

Murray, 42, began behaving inappropriately while seated beside Fiske in the front passenger seat of her cruiser, which has no cage separating front and back seats.
(Again, we wanna know...inappropriately HOW? Did he whip it out or something? Did he start singing "Strokin'"? News coverage really should be more complete in this day and age...sigh...)

"Then he said, 'You have beautiful green eyes,' and he started touching my arm," Fiske said. "I'd had enough of that."
(Wonder how many eyes he saw? I agree about the touching of the arm part...I can't stand something like that from someone I don't know, intoxicated or not.)

Fiske got out of the car and went around to the passenger seat to handcuff Murray. (Kinky...just kidding...I know better, jeez!)

She said she had one of his hands cuffed and was working to apply the other handcuff when he tried to wrestle it from her and cuff her to him, saying, "I just want us to be tied together."
(She should have asked him if he'd ever seen "Saw". Ewwwwww)

Fiske responded by giving a sudden short twist to the handcuff on his wrist and rapping him on the thigh with her police baton. He yelped with pain and cursed, then sat on the seat as Fiske cuffed his hands together in front of him, she said.
(Well, that is the way to handle it. Git 'r' done!)

Murray was charged with operating a vehicle under the influence, assault on a police officer, refusing to submit to arrest, and refusing to sign or give a name.
(What? No charges for lame pickup lines? I oughta be in Congress with all these fancy ideas.)

When she arrived at the accident scene, Fiske found Murray's car several feet off the road in a field. Murray had a mark just below his right eye where she assumed he had hit the steering wheel during the accident, she said, and he also had urinated on himself.
(Ah, there ya go...when you're looking for a distinctive man, always look for the one who's pissed on himself. Five will get ya ten that he did something, or else he's just incontinent, which kind of sounds like "innocent" if you mumble enough.)

Murray was friendly and cooperative during the sobriety tests, Fiske said, (I'll bet) and it wasn't until he was in the cruiser that he refused to take a written intoxication test and started making sexual comments.
(Pardon me, how does one take a written intoxication test? Is that like the SATs? I've been drunk enough that I could barely write and I mis-spelled "I". He was probably trying to hit on her because he had test anxiety!)

"He may have thought it was funny when he was doing it, but there was a serious side to it as well," Fiske said Monday.
(Sure...he was serious about wanting to get her clothes off before he passed out. Gotta have a goal, you know?)

During the ride to the East Millinocket Police Department, Fiske alleged, Murray touched her and tried to grab for the steering wheel, forcing her to subdue him with a few sharp smacks.
(A few, like 3 or 4, or a few like a few HUNDRED? I like her style.)

Murray was placed in leg restraints and another trooper came along in the cruiser as the suspect was transported to the Penobscot County Jail in Bangor.
(I would have put him in a body bag and stuck him in the trunk. If I were feeling charitable, I might have punched some holes if I'd gotten around to it.)

Sudiegirl's final opinion?

I'm just shaking my head and snickering. This guy, I think, would be insufferable either drunk or sober and I think his sentence should be going to my hometown bar on Karaeoke night and tied to a chair while our local unhospitalized schizophrenic serenades him with off-key renditions of "California Girls".

Soberly yours,
Sudiegirl