EXCLUSIVE! Interview with COOKIE MONSTER and the REAL story behind "sometimes food", plus other scandalous notes...

(Sudiegirl's note...the following is a transcript of a taped interview between that other famous "gonzo journalist", Chip A. Hoy, and Cookie Monster. It took place early this morning at a Motel 6 on the outskirts of Muscatine, Iowa. According to Mr. Hoy, Cookie (as he likes to be called, or else "Cook", "Blue Guy", or "The Cook-meister") was coming down off an Oreo bender and appeared to be sharing a room with Barney, Elmo and the forgotten duo of Bananas in Pajamas. Mr. Hoy will take it from here...and for those of you who are doubting the authenticity of this news item, whataya gonna do about it, huh? Huh?)

...the room was dim, the only light coming from a bedside lamp with a Hooter's t-shirt draped over it. The stale effluvium of unwashed Muppets and too many late nights at the CTW studio coffee lounge filled the air as I made my way to the one un-occupied chair in the room.

Cookie Monster was lying face-up, spread-eagled on the bed. One eye was looking at the open bathroom door where Bananas in Pajamas were getting ready to hit Diamond Dave's, the one lone Mexican restaurant in Muscatine. Barney was hitting the bars in Conesville (they have good margaritas there) and Elmo was taken in by the local Elks club and supposedly getting his first lap dance in Davenport. Where did I get this information? From the desk clerk...it's amazing what a desk clerk finds out from guests when they call down for fresh towels.

Chip speaks: Cookie? Uh, Mr. Monster?

Cookie: ughghghshsisusughghg (trying to clear crumbs out of his throat? Not sure...have cell phone set to 911 just in case)

Chip: Uh, Mr. Monster, I'm Chip A. Hoy, with the Vanilla Wafer Voice, and I'm doing an investigative report behind the "healthy habits" storylines that Sesame Street has undertaken. It's really adjusted your role on the show, has it not?

Cookie: Call me Cook, and hand me wastebasket by your feet...(Chip does)...blaghghghghghsghaghghh (Cookie vomits. A lot. After 15 minutes, he appears to be ready to speak.) OK, now what you say, again?

Chip: Well, Cook, it's my understanding that this new "healthy habits" storyline that Sesame Street has adapted has changed your role on the show. Instead of cookies being your mainstay, they have reduced the role to a, quote, "sometimes food". What are your feelings on that?

Cookie: Well, me feel that me should have another package of Oreos, huh? (starts to laugh, turns into gag, swallows it down). But seriously, me don't understand why, after 36 years, me can't have cookies all the time. Me not a puppet...wait a minute, yes me am...me feeling like this is corporate weed-out process, plain and simple. Even though we a non-profit, we still feel pinch and somebody has to go, so blame monster with dark blue fur and google eyes. At least me true to me self. Me no go trolling for hookers like Elmo...

Chip: Pardon me?

Cookie: Don't be naive, Chippie...it not a secret. Elmo has own limo, drives around the red light district on Friday nights to pick up trashy women. He take Oscar too, but Elmo get the girls. Oscar just watches.

Chip: So are you saying that the values on Sesame Street are just...an act?

Cookie: (breathes heavy sigh) 'Fraid so. Ever since rumors about Ernie and Bert prove true when mailman delivers big package from Bud's House of Vinyl and Chains, things go downhill.

Chip: But what about your colleagues in public television children's shows, like Barney, for instance?

Cookie: Barney speed freak...also like margaritas and thong underwear. As matter of fact, he not allowed to go to Victoria's Secret no more. They got his picture up and everything. Something about him have too much margaritas and violating mannequin. But me not finding fault...he got issues.

Chip: Unbelievable. And what about the Bananas in your bathroom?

Cookie: Let's just say there reason they walk around in pairs.

Chip: Interesting. But back to the original topic...

Cookie: Yes. Cookie have issues. Cookie self-indulgent. But Cookie have feelings. If Cookie weeded out of Sesame Street, not much future besides one of those twirly brushes at car wash. I have cousin in Secaucus who did that...now he on disability. Not sure of me future if I can't keep up with trend. I not Teletubby...I not Magic School Bus...I Cookie. Me sad. Right now me very sad. You got Nutter Butters?

Chip: No, sorry. Maybe we'd better just stop for now, OK?

Cookie: (downcast, vaguely defeated) OK. You nice to me. Thank you for dignity...it hard to be taken seriously in children's television.

We chit-chatted about other things (Kermit's early days, Guy Smiley, et. al) and then I left that drab hotel room and that monster that just wants to be true to himself. Is that REALLY so wrong?

(Wow, what a moving story! Thanks, Chip!)