Friday, June 06, 2008


If you click on the title, you'll be magically whisked away to Groovygrrl's site, where she talks about depression/midlife crises.

I'm fighting a mild depression thing right now...I'm not unaware of the fact that I'm not where I thought I would be when I was on the cusp of adulthood. I thought I'd be living the life of a musician...with other musicians...where there are trees and flowers and chirping birds and life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their nice white coats.


But I have to look at the whole picture. I'm the first woman on either side of my family to have a bachelor's degree, and even though I'm not using it directly, nobody can take that away from me. It's MINE. Nyah nyah nyah.

I've been married twice. Both ended sadly (one with a whimper and one with a bang), but at least the friendship of my 2nd husband was salvaged. Not everyone can say that, and moreover, I caught myself before I made a 3rd possible mistake. I'm still with that person too, in spite of everything.

My dad is gone...but I had him in my life for quite a long time, and that's better than a lot of people have it. I wish more people had a dad and mom like mine, even though they could drive me crazy.

I'm older...but that's how it is. They make hair dye, wrinkle cream and all that stuff so you can go gentle into that good night or whatever. I'm not physically fit, but I'm the only one that can change that.

I'm not a professional musician...but I'm still making music and occasionally getting paid for it. I know many of my high school musical contemporaries aren't even playing anymore, and it breaks my heart. I still have that joy in my life, and barring any major disaster, I'll continue to have it.

I don't have children...of my own. I have two nieces and a nephew that I love dearly, and I made the decision to NOT have kids based on what I feel is a valid argument. I know I'm bipolar, and I chose to not have kids because I don't want to spread the "bipolar love" genetically or otherwise. It hurts when I see parents snuggling their kids, but I know myself better than anyone else does.

I don't have a glamorous job...but neither do a lot of other people. The fact that I'm here in DC is a big step for me, as I never thought I'd go over the state line after a while. I've been here for almost seven years.

The fact that I can look at the other side of the coin is good, but why do I always have to consciously do that? Why can't I just LIVE, dammit? This is very frustrating and tiring, but I guess that's what it's all about, right?

I hope that's the case. Groovygrrl's got it goin' on, though, and you should go read her blog. It's very insightful, and very well written.