Saturday, December 15, 2007

Oprah Reads, and YOU CAN TOO! Oprah's eleventh favorite thing...

Oprah's eleventh favorite thing:


Oprah says her 60th Book Club selection, The Pillars of the Earth, is the book to give this holiday season.

Author Ken Follett's epic tale, which is set in 12th century England, is about the quest to build the world's greatest Gothic cathedral, and the struggle between good and evil. "You will not be able to put it down," she says. "It's the perfect gift for under $25."

To make these books extra special for the Macon audience, Oprah's team tracked down the author in Australia so he could autograph every copy!
OK...I'm really glad she listed a gift item that costs LESS than a black-market kidney. This is progress, Oprah. Good show.

However, you did slide two steps back with that one step forward...namely...the concept of "tracking down the author in Australia so he could autograph every copy".

Uh - "tracking down"? Is this a gift list or a case of stalking?

We all know Oprah can be quite tenacious in her pursuits. She wouldn't be who, what and where she is without it. But the term "tracking down" makes her sound like Marlin Perkins or the recently deceased Crocodile Hunter. Think about's the scenario I have in mind...

Fade in to the Australian outback, with Oprah riding in a jeep. Her best friend/all around lackey Gayle King is by her side, holding the following Oprah-owned items:

(1) the easy cheesy digital video camera that's so easy even Oprah can use it
(2) Oprah's purse
(3) the can of pepper spray Oprah intends to use to subdue the author
(4) bug repellent and sunscreen (no bugs or melanoma allowed)
(5) the bait - a sweet potato pie made by Rachael Ray because we all know that Oprah really doesn't cook, she has someone else do it
(6) one (1) butterfly net
(7) one lead pipe to further subdue the author in case he becomes

Oprah speaks:

This is Oprah Winfrey, live from the Australian outback. Me and my BFF Gayle are in pursuit of the author of my latest Oprah's Book Club selection, Pillars of the Earth. It's a book full of greed, sex, murder, and marble carving. The man who created this literary wonder? Ken Follett.

Now you'd think that Mr. Follett would be crawling all over my studios and corporate offices to help me make this favorite thing even MORE valuable by signing copies of it. But NOOOO! So we're here in an attempt to gently persuade Mr. Follett to sign enough copies of my book for all the good folks in Macon, GA that attend my show.
Gayle speaks:

Oprah, did you remember to pack the stun gun/Belgian waffle maker?

Oprah replies:
Shee-it...I forgot it at the hotel. LOOK! There he is! Step on it, Steadman...what do you think I PAY YOU FOR????

The Swarovski-crystal-studded-limited-edition-Jeep Liberty races through the Outback, finally catching up with Follett at an out of the way dive. Oprah and Gayle jump out, leaving Steadman to watch their purses. Oprah and Gayle are wearing matching velour track suits autographed by Madonna and Julia Roberts, with color-coordinated Nikes. They reach the bar, where Follett is sitting in the corner booth, nursing a Foster's (that's Australian for "beer", yo.)

Follett speaks:

Ah, Ms. Winfrey, at last we meet.


Is that sweet potato pie?
Oprah screams:

Gayle rushes Follett and Oprah throws Gayle the lead pipe and butterfly net. Gayle subdues the author with several quick blows to the head, while Oprah chats up the bartender to see if she can get a good deal on the floorboards. Her plan? She wants to commission Thomas Kinkade to paint lovely winter scenes on them as she's already planning her list of Favorite Things for 2008. The proceeds from this sale go to homeless supermodels in Tunisia.

Well, that's a possible scenario, anyway...

The lesson learned for today, my friends?

Just 'cause Oprah likes it doesn't mean that folks are bustin' down her door to help promote it. If they are, it doesn't necessarily mean good things will happen.

A Million Little Pieces, anyone?