Friday, December 21, 2007

More thoughts on Christmas Music

The pic on the left is a photo of my first husband opening a Christmas present.

(I know it's probably a slam on me too, but hey - I'm not going to magnify that part...)

Apparently, the "Cracked Note Christmas" entry from yesterday was a hit. Good to know. In fact, it's so good to know that I think I'll write another one.

1) Like Mr. Fabulous, I am quite skeptical of the secular Christmas tunes that blast through the airwaves this time of year. Seriously...let me analyze one beloved tune for you.

  • Baby, It's Cold can call me a cold-hearted cynic if you wish. If you do it consistently, I might actually enjoy it. But let me dissect this tune and tell you why it disturbs me. The general theme, in my opinion, is not romance. It's much darker and more evil than that. Let me elucidate. Here are the full lyrics, with my analysis interspersed accordingly. (My opinions are in bold, and the lyrics are in green and red for the Yuletide season...the song is sung as a duet, and so as not to be sexist, you can envision the performance any way you wish. However, since it's mostly been interpreted as female vs. male, I will go the traditional route.)
I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
(NO means NO, folks.)

This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
("Come into my parlor," said the spider to the fly; that's just a damned creepy line right there)

So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
(Oh...the seduction begins. I'm repelled yet I can't stop envisioning...)

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
(Two things...first of all, was a "mickey finn" slipped into the drink? Secondly, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the seducer went out and sabotaged all the taxis in town so NONE of 'em were operational, plus he did some kind of precipitation dance before the big "date")

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
(OK...the drugs are kickin' in. Let's just say that "eyes are like starlight" is actually code for "eyes are fully dilated and you can't tell your ass from your elbow right about now, baby.")

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
(If it were me, I'd hurt more than this dude's pride. I'd mash his 'nads into oblivion. Is this me, or could this be the theme song for any of the Kennedy boys?)

I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
(Oh...see, that line pisses me OFF. "Don't hold out"? Whatever. What exactly do you think she's holding out for, Casanova? If it were me, I'd be holding out for material wealth this time of year. If I'm stuck in a house with someone who has a full liquor cabinet and no food, I'm already gonna be cranky because there's no taxis to take me to McDonalds. Don't push your luck, Valentino.)

Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
(Once again, not paying attention...only concerned about YOUR glands.)

This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
(Yep...the drugs are kickin' in...she's getting overheated. Gee...what a sleaze.)

My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
(Apparently, this woman comes from a pretty protective and potentially lethal family. This dude is JUST NOT GETTING IT. If this chick doesn't fillet this dude's privates, watch out for the maiden aunt. My maiden aunt threatened to tie my neck in a pretzel knot when I was five, so I can only imagine what she'll do to this guy.)

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
(Dude...if you're going to try and score in an unfair way, the least you could do is let the lady comb her hair first! What a dork.)

You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
(Oh crap...there go the dilating pupils again. Great.)
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
(To you? DO THIS THING TO YOU!? You slip her a mickey and threaten her with hypothermia, you don't even OFFER your comb, and she's doing something to YOU??? Way to blame the victim. Prick.)

There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
(Oh, so now he's playing the guilt card. "If you go outside in the cold because I'm trying to rip your clothes off and you catch a life-threatening disease, I'll feel so guilty and it'll be all your fault somehow, I just know it." Prick.)

I really can't stay - Get over that old out
( think saying "no" is an old cliche? Well, here's a new thing..."I will taze your nuts if you don't let me leave your tacky-ass bachelor pad with the black velvet bullfighter painting and the puke-green shag carpet.")

Ahh, but it's cold outside
(f*** the pneumonia...I'm leavin'.)

So that, my friends, is what I believe this beloved Christmas ditty masks beneath its playful exterior.

Does that make me a cynic?

Second I care?

Oh well...I'll be back whether you like it or not. Nyah.