Friday, October 26, 2007

I hate this

"I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me..."
-Bill Watterson,
"Calvin and Hobbes"

This day begins the anniversary weekend of Dad's passing.

The quote above is from a story arc used in "Calvin and Hobbes" where Calvin finds a baby raccoon that's badly hurt, and he and his parents try to nurse it back to health.

The raccoon doesn't make it, needless to say. And Calvin, of course, is sad about this, and he utters this line after his dad attempts to comfort him.

This is how I feel right now.

This is how I feel most days...some days, it's positive and others not so much.

On the good days, I can laugh at funny memories, look at pictures and smile...and then put the memories away - lovingly - like antique photographs or heirloom letters.

On the bad days (like this) I cry and keep wondering where tears continually come from as I feel I've already cried them all out.

God, I miss him so. This is a horrible, horrible feeling.

And this blog is the only resource I feel I have today.

DD is wrapped up in his own head and other things.

"Single D" is hard to talk to about it as well, because he turns the conversation toward himself, and his toxic relationship with his father. I need comfort, and I wind up comforting. It's exhausting.

I feel like I'd be dumping on my mom or my sister if I talk to them, and the nieces and nephew are too young to be burdened with my sadness. I have my therapist, but...she's my therapist. You know what I mean?

My friends...they say they'll be there, and I believe them, but I was raised to be a good Iowa girl and not "dump" on my friends either. (And yes, that includes blog friends.)

So here I sit, with red eyes, at my computer, and crying because Dad's not gone inside me but he's gone out there.

I really hate this.