TO: Big Ernie
Higher Power for Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc.
Resident of Maryland, USA, Planet Earth
1. The winning "humiliating act" I am supposed to perform in order for You to have pity on me and allow me to see Stevie Wonder has been selected by the readers. They have chosen the option of your favorite bipolar redheaded karaeoke diva watching one of the following films: "Xanadu", "The Postman", "Glitter", "Waterworld", or "Battlefield Earth". I have not chosen the film yet because I prefer to wait until the nausea goes away. Unfortunately for me, though, I don't get to see Saint Stevie this weekend because I have a gig with the fabulous Swing Time Big Band. It is a good cause...a military unit's reunion...I think they all served in WWII or something. So I'm not as sad as I could be, but the survey for my visitors was for naught. You could make me feel better by having George Clooney drop off some Oreos or Chubby Hubby ice cream, though, and stay a while, and...I'm just sayin'.
2. I have some issues re: my time of the month, and I will outline them here. (For those who have weak stomachs, I suggest you go down to any other entry on this page...thank you, the management...)
- I realize that a woman's time of month is technically "something to be celebrated". (That's how my mother justified it, at least...) However, I'm 38 and I'm tired of this once a month bleeding party. I don't wanna celebrate anymore. Who do I have to call to get this stuff to stop? Is it a toll-free number? There's no phone menu, is there? I can just imagine..."For cramps, press 1. For bloating, press 2. For absence of monthly friend, get your butt over to the doctor ASAP."
- Are the cramps really necessary? Isn't it bad enough that You make me troll for vampires approximately five to seven days out of every month? Apparently not...You've gotta throw cramps in as well. And bloating. And zits. And greasy hair. And mood swings. You see where I'm going with this? If You could shorten it to one day, maybe two, I'd really appreciate it. However, the chocolate craving works for me as long as You keep me from gaining weight.
- Do You have any pull at the Always factory? They were making plus-size sanitary products, and they worked REALLY well, but now I can't find them. If You could do some divine intervention thing on that, it would be MUCH appreciated. I think You might have had something to do with the whole "wings" thing, and I'm sure You can take care of this problem.
- Can You work with the Department of Labor and somehow get them to give women extra sick days for cramps and other mysterious gynecological ailments? Guys get extra perks from You like being able to pee standing up. Give us a break!
- Also, when menopause comes to me, is there any way you can just...I dunno...stop everything without all the drama? Also, can you see to it that I don't get the urge to watch "Murder She Wrote"? I fear it's a habit that all menopausal women have to deal with and I just don't want to be part of the herd.
Well, Big Ernie, I guess that's all I've got. I do want to thank You for Your Son (is he Ernie Jr., or does he go by JC these days?) and thank You for the good things in my life, like my family, my friends, Oreos, and Chubby Hubby. Oh, and George Clooney...DEFINITELY thanks for ol' George.
Your loyal servant,