Friday, September 28, 2007

How did we ever live without COSMO???

OK - once again I done be stumped for a topic.

Well, actually, I should say, "I was done be stumped for a topic". I ain't done be stumped no more.

(How many double negatives WAS that, anyway?)

While perusing "Caught in Class" (another blog written by Groovygrrl, with a link on my sidebar...go read it!) an on line ad caught my eye.

The subject? Conversation Starters.

The provider of this service? Cosmopolitan magazine.

Now I was surprised that Cosmo was really into conversations...I thought all they talked about was orgasms and whether something makes your butt look big. Who knew?

Anyway, so here are a few conversation starters...and of course, how I would further elaborate on them.

#1: A nutritionist in southern Italy has created a new "antiwrinkle" pizza.

Sudiegirl's response:
" the hell old ARE you, anyway?" (This would be said while I am about two inches from your face with a magnifying glass.)

#2: Overall, people of below-average intelligence are just about as wealthy as those in similar circumstances but with higher scores on an IQ test.

Sudiegirl's response:
"Gimme some money, dummy!" (I do realize that this would be rather rude. I would do a tap dance first, or juggle some oranges...then say it.)

#3: Producers of an off-Broadway show in New York City called "My First Time" are giving away free tickets to anyone who can prove that they are a virgin. A hypnotist will screen people in line to determine their status.

Sudiegirl's response:
"Uh, don't they need a gynecologist for that? I mean, you could implant a false memory in someone and that'd be really bad."

#4: On September 12, Russians will celebrate the Day of Conception, a holiday that encourages couples to do the deed and give birth exactly nine months later on Russia's national day. Patriotic parents who do indeed have children on June 12 win cars, fridges, and money.

Sudiegirl's response:
"God Bless America...Land That I Love...Thank you for not encouraging me to spawn mini Sudies, Amen."

#5: London zookeepers are hoping a new heated waterfall in the gorilla exhibit will make two reluctant lovebirds randy enough to mate.

Sudiegirl's response:
"What, there are no Barry White records in England?"

#6: Do you have a perpetually happy, mild-tempered friend who makes you look like a raging, mood-swinging lunatic?

Sudiegirl's response:
Either "I have friends?" or "All my friends make me look that way."

#7: Krispy Kreme is getting in on the health-nut trend by offering whole-wheat doughnuts. The problem?

Sudiegirl's response:
"What problem? There is no problem! Get the HELL out of my way. And is it spelled DOUGHNUTS or DONUTS?"

#8: By the time a woman is ready to give birth, her uterus can be 1,000 times larger than it was prebaby.

Sudiegirl's response:
"Gee, what an incentive!"

#9: Beer, a health food? It's not a joke. A brew a day boosts antioxidant activity, which can help prevent such conditions as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, studies show.

Sudiegirl's response:
"You know, if you drink enough beer, you won't give a s**t about your health either! That's an added benefit, right?"

#10: Being in love doesn't just make you swoon -- it also makes you stupid. Studies found that romantic feelings inhibit parts of the brain responsible for critical thinking.

Sudiegirl's response:
"That explains the last twenty years of my life."


Scientists working for the U.S. Air Force have created underwear that can be worn for weeks without washing. The bacteria-killing, liquid-repelling undies were designed for soldiers in the field, but they also make a great excuse for putting off laundry another day...or week.

Sudiegirl's response:
"I know at least three guys from high school/college who would benefit greatly from this invention. Let me give you their names and numbers, oh great scientists!"

Gee...I guess ol' Cosmo did me a great service after all! Woo-Hoo!

Now I'm off to get some antiwrinkle pizza and whole wheat doughnuts from Krispy Kreme and I'm going to wash it down with Heineken. Thank God I'm wearing my bacteria-killing, liquid repelling underwear.