Wednesday, August 29, 2007

We gots a Butthead Award! Posthumous, even!

Now...I think this is the first posthumous award that Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc. has given. But never let it be said that we're adverse to groundbreaking. So here we go, folks...let's ROCK THIS BEYOTCH!

Today's "Butthead" goes to...

LEONA HELMSLEY!!!!!! (May she rest in peace...)

She left her dog $12 million dollars. To quote the article:

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.

She also left millions for her brother, Alvin Rosenthal, who was named to care for Trouble in her absence...
However, she stiffed two of her grandchildren. Continuing from the cutoff point...

...(as well as) two of four grandchildren from her late son Jay Panzirer — so long as they visit their father's grave site once each calendar year.

Otherwise, she wrote, neither will get a penny of the $5 million she left for each.

Helmsley left nothing to two of Jay Panzirer's other children — Craig and Meegan Panzirer — for "reasons that are known to them," she wrote.

Double plus bonus: The dog's gender is female, plus she gained her own reputation for being nasty to hotel staff...and we all know the nomenclature for a female dog, don't we?

Judge's comments:

First of all, take a look at the picture of dear departed Leona and the lovely puppy.
Now, is it just me...or does it look like Leona Helmsley is a reject from Tussaud's Wax Museum in this picture? Seriously...she's lookin' awfully waxy there; kind of like Mary Kay did during the last twenty years before she croaked.

Here's my theory...they pulled the wax Leona out of the dumpster and threw the dog on her lap. In the process, Leona's neck started to melt, thus causing her head to list to one side...and the skin from one side of her face started drooping as part of a whole chain reaction thing. She's squinting too...or are her eyes rolled up in her head? I don't know. usually I'm all for people leaving money to their dogs. It shows that they care for their animals and they're not just scattering their pets to the four winds when they croak.

But this is a combination of expected and unexpected behavior, I must say.

To me, the UNEXPECTED part is I didn't really think Leona Helmsley gave a tinker's damn about anything past the end of her nose. Seriously. Between her general nasty reputation and her infamous quote about how "only the little people pay taxes", I figured if she couldn't "take it with her", she wasn't going.

However, the EXPECTED parts?

I'm not surprised that she cut out two of her grandkids. I bet it's probably because they had the cojones to actually tell her she's evil incarnate wearing Armani. From sad family experience, I know that people's motivations regarding wills and inheritances are very dark and angry. When my grandpa DuVall died, he did some despicable things through his will as a kind of final "flipping the bird" to people who had the guts to get in his face and tell him he was wrong. However, he left my mother to clean up an unexpected and very painful mess. I think those kind of inheritance games are totally stupid and would never dream of playing them.

Also, I'm not surprised that she left her brother money so he'd do her dirty puppy work for her. Being a sister myself, that's the ultimate sibling revenge scenario. I wouldn't be surprised if my sister tried that with me; therefore, if you read about how I've all of a sudden acquired several chickens, ducks and geese, you'll know my sister is gone. I think I'll call this trick "pulling a Leona Helmsley" from this point on.

Also, here's this li'l blurb:
She also left her chauffeur, Nicholas Celea, $100,000.

That is a nice chunk of change, but she's not doing this out of the kindness of her heart. Here's my theory...he witnessed her doing one of the following:
  • Picking her nose in public
  • Scratching her ass
  • Buying retail
  • Ordering a Big Mac from McDonalds
And of course, we can't have that, now can we? So this is $100K of hush money, I'm sure of it. However, if this woman is as horrendous to help as she'd been portrayed, I'm sure it's not enough for pain and suffering.

Finally, let's just recap this li'l puppy's oh-so-checkered past:

But no one made out better than Trouble, who once appeared in ads for the Helmsley Hotels, and lived up to her name by biting a housekeeper.
Let's just say that dogs can resemble their owners in more than one way. But that's why I picked out the special song for this entry...even the group Old Dogs know matter how much money you have or how many people you scare so bad they wet their pants, you're gonna wind up like the rest of're "still gonna die". Take it away boys...