Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Thundercats Tuesday and Helpful Hints for Paris Hilton During Incarceration

Chickens may have arrived in the New World before Columbus
(At last, The Great Gonzo is vindicated!)

Happy Birthday - Singer Brian McKnight is 38. Please excuse me while my heart flutters and I faint, falling softly to the ground while drooling and moaning.

Yes, I likes me some Brian McKnight, thank you very much.

Well, Paris Hilton has survived her first night in jail. Notice I say "jail" and not "prison".

Why do I make that distinction?

Because when I think of women and prison...unfortunately...I think of the movie "Caged Heat". (I must remember to thank Ed H. for that image, BTW - eeewww - hot sweaty prisons and lots of angry, violent people that could beat the crap out of me - thanks a lot.)

But again - I wonder two things:

1) Why the HELL is the public (myself included) even slightly interested in this information?
2) Actually, I forgot the second thing so there's really only one thing.

Let's face it - LA's county jail ain't Mayberry, with Otis Campbell possessing his own set of keys and letting himself out when he's sober.

But really, think about it - Paris Hilton is not your average jail resident.

She's used to having folks take care of her every need before she even knows she has it. She's used to Evian water, designer underwear, and other luxuries. She's used to preening like the proverbial peacock, knowing full well that idiots like us watch her every move, even if it is to laugh at her silly a$.

Now, as Popeye says, "I've had all I stands, and I can't stands no more...", and OH YEAH...here's my second question...how can Rancho Sudiegirl and the innovators therein HELP Paris Hilton adjust to life in the Los Angeles County jail? That's what I intend to do in large and small ways throughout her stay.

Why? Well, because I live to give.

First of all, look at her damned mugshot!
Right there is a major problem. She's posing for the damned mugshot like it's Vogue, damn it! That is NOT how a mugshot is supposed to look. Here are some better, more appropriate examples of celebrity mugshots.

First of all, here are a couple I consider "classics". First, we have Nick Nolte -
this photo certainly SCREAMS "I like to hang out at the beach and pick up tin cans for money", doesn't it? It's got all the elements of a good mugshot...ugly shirt buttoned to the neck; nasty looking "I've been on a bender and I'm proud of it" hair, confused look...certainly a force to be reckoned with.

Next...Rip Torn...

Ah, Rip...we hardly knew ye. He cleans up good, BUT...another good element of a mugshot is that certain je ne sais quas (I think I spelled it right). Yes...that certain something that says, "What's with takin' the picture? Where's the bar?" Rip's face certainly reflects that, doesn't it? Again, we have the messy hair and the confused look.

Finally, whether you're famous or anonymous, you have to have a certain thing in the mugshot that just plain old catches you at your WORST. Even if you smile and try to look like everything's OK, those numbers across your chest give you away. I think the most memorable mugshot is this one...The Smoking Gun website describes the picture thusly...

Patrick Tribett was nabbed in July 2005 by Ohio cops and charged with abusing harmful intoxicants. The 41-year-old Tribett, it seems, had been huffing spray paint and needed a refill (he was popped after seeking a fresh can at a Bellaire general store). According to police, Tribett's pupils were constricted and he replied slowly to their questions. Oh, and "officers observed the paint on face and hands," as can be seen in the below mug shot.
I have just three words for the cop's conclusion re: the guy's behavior..."Gee, ya think?"

The dude's got color on his face that is not from MOTHER NATURE, thank you! And does it disturb you as much as me that the dude huffed so much spray paint that he needed a REFILL? My God!

The expression on his face is the most bizarre and hilarious thing, though. He looks like if he doesn't watch out, he's just gonna fall over and his face will have the same look - that kind of "huh?" look.

I do appreciate that the spray paint color matches the lettering on his t-shirt. It takes real forethought to match that up.

So with that, I say, "Loosen up, Paris. Look a fool like the rest of the free world, as opposed to your own unique brand."


Finally, Thanks to Wolfbernz, I have been tagged with the "eight random facts about me" meme. Great.

Here we go -

1. I once went bowling in Omaha while wearing a leopard-print dress (kind of form-fitting). Ed H. was with me and he said guys up and down the lanes were checking me out. That gave me an ego boost.

2. I got kicked out of a gospel choir in college because I didn't sound "soulful" enough and I messed up the choreography. Jeez...they make it look so easy...but alas, I was too "white" to get into the whole vibe. That's what recovery from Methodism is all about -admitting you have a problem is the first step.

3. When I played the baritone sax in high school, I received three "outstanding soloist" awards in jazz band, as well as a notation in my ensemble contest paperwork - the judge was impressed that I was actually standing up with the horn and not collapsing. I guess I'm a tougher broad than I thought.

4. Once, while drunk and watching the Oscars with my best friend Brian, I tied his socks together while they were still on his feet. I consider that to be one of the highlights of my college career. My parents were so proud - NOT.

5. I have never had my appendix out.

6. I cannot belch my ABCs, but it's not for lack of trying.

7. I dated a guy in college who had an embarrassing habit of licking his plate in public whenever we went out to eat. He was also a National Merit Scholar finalist and an honors student. I guess there's not a section in the SATs for table manners in public.

8. I have seen the following movies more than 10 times: "Ghostbusters", "Animal House", "Goodfellas", "The Big Lebowski", "Sixteen Candles", "Revenge of the Nerds" and "Better Off Dead". This leads to the conclusion that - yes - I HAVE NO LIFE.

I'm not tagging people for this - just help yourself and give me props. Thanks.

Tomorrow, the topic for Paris' helpful hints will be "how to make a shank out of an eyelash curler".