Wednesday, June 13, 2007

sorry - i'm sad today -

I got some pictures today from the high school class reunion that I didn't attend.

I saw smiling faces of people that were cruel to me, and smiling faces of people that were nice to me...people that I considered friends, if not "close friends" or "best friends". However, the photos (save for one) made me quite sad.

I don't understand why I hurt from seeing these people. I mean, I should be happy for them, right? They've got good lives, they've overcome obstacles, they have as much sadness in their lives as I do in mine, I'm sure.

Why can they come home to be happy and I can't?

I guess it's many things: being called a "lezzie" or "bi" when I'm not; having someone from a "good family" spit in my face at a football game; being dumped as a friend for someone who's a little more respectable; having things stolen or hidden because people thought it was funny when I'd freak out; taunts of "ugly", "stupid", other stuff...

But I could be despicable too. I was so obsessed with having a boyfriend (probably to prove everyone wrong) that I was quite capable of treating the friends I had in a less than good way. I called people ugly, stupid, etc. I don't remember stealing or hiding things from people, but I'm sure I did other awful things.

So basically, I'm on a downward swing today and I hate myself very very much. This is not a ploy for sympathy, simply a statement of where I'm at.

I'll try to be happy tomorrow, but no guarantees.