Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I am certified as "cool", plus a few Wednesday witticisms

In 1906, American composer, musician, actor and wit Oscar Levant was born in Pittsburgh.

(Hey - they forgot the nouns "drug addict" and "neurotic".)

Good morning! How are my little fruitcakes today? GREAT!!!!

(All right - that's enough.)

I'm back in the groove, but it will all go to hell again with the New Year's holiday. Sigh...

However, I have officially been dubbed "cool" by my oldest niece.


Because I used to shop at a used clothing store in Iowa City called "Ragstock". She went for the first time yesterday, and when I told her I used to shop there, I heard a sharp intake of breath followed by "Britney, Britney, Britney! MY AUNT SUE IS SO COOL! SHE USED TO SHOP AT RAGSTOCK WHEN SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE!!!" (I'm approximating how to spell the other kid's name b/c I don't know her...)

I said, "Well, your mom went there wasn't just me." But that apparently fell on deaf ears. So I'm eagerly awaiting word of what exactly she bought.

It's cool to be cool.

Well, I guess I'd better keep up this whole "cool" thing by giving some awards...whataya think?

First, a post-Christmas "Egg Suckin' Dog" awardBefore I actually give the award, I want to note something I find hilarious. You may not share the humor, but TOO BAD! My blog. Mine. All mine.

The title of this article, per Yahoo!: "Flatulence allegedly sparks jail fight"

Alternate titles:
"What we have here is a failure to deodorize"

"The Fartman of Alcatraz"
"The Pepto Redemption"

"Jailhouse Farts" (Sung by Larry the Cable Guy)

Now see? That in itself is CLASSIC Comedy!

OK - now back to the actual awarding itself...

Today's Recipient: Brian Bruggeman, 38, a current detainee in the Lincoln County Jail located in North Platte, NE. (Honorable mention - Jesse Dorris, 26, cellmate of Bruggeman)

Reason: To quote the article:

...Jesse Dorris, alleges that Bruggeman's flatulence, passed in close proximity to Dorris, sparked a Dec. 14 fight between the two at the jail.
Yep - the two men fought over a fart.

The North Platte, NE County Attorney - Jeff Meyer - discussed the incident with the press thusly:

Jail fights are common, Meyer said, but the cause of this one was rather uncommon.

"It's usually about someone hogging the newspaper or someone not happy about what's on TV," he said.

Double plus bonus: Bruggeman was already serving 90 days for violation of a protective order. Let's tell him what he's won, Don Pardo!

Now Bruggeman, 38, faces a Jan. 11 preliminary hearing on the state's complaint of assault by a confined person. It's a felony punishable by up to five years in prison.
Judge's comments:

Oh...more bad jokes from me, I'm afraid.

"Let he who is without gas pass the first wind."
"Ask not for who the fart tolls for me, not thee."

"Is this some flatulence I smell before me?"
"You fartin' to me? Huh? You fartin' to me? Cause I don't see anyone else here..."
(OK, I know "Taxi Driver is reaching...give me a break.)

Apparently, Bruggeman has problems with anger AND flatulence management. However, the jail in question is very small. It's built to hold 23 - 25 inmates, but as many as 65 inmates have been in there at a time. So obviously, smells aren't going to be great in the first place.

I am not sure how to interpret this other than he farted in the wrong place at the wrong time, but as they say, "I regret that I have but one fart to give to my cellmate."


Next, The "Blinded Me With Science" Award...

Recipients: the American Peanut Council and its research arm, the Peanut Foundation

Reason: To quote the article:

ALBANY, Ga. - A leading industry group has given scientists the go-ahead to build genetically engineered peanuts that could be safer, more nutritious and easier to grow than their conventional version.

The work could lead to peanuts that yield more oil for biofuel production, need less rainfall and grow more efficiently, with built-in herbicide and pest resistance — traits that have already been engineered into major crops such as cotton, corn, soybeans and canola.

But wait, there's MORE!

For consumers, the work could lead to peanuts with enhanced flavor, more vitamins and nutrients, and possibly even nuts that are less likely to trigger allergic reactions, a life-threatening problem for a small percentage of the population and a major food industry concern.

Presentations have been prepared for the Peanut Foundation. Quoting again:

A group of 14 university, U.S. Department of Agriculture and food industry scientists, including Ozias-Akins, prepared a report on biotech peanuts and presented it recently to the Peanut Foundation. The scientists concluded the technology could reduce growing costs, improve nutrition and overall quality for consumers and have the potential to reduce the allergy threat in peanuts.

Judge's comments:

So ya got your potential for super peanuts.

That's good, I guess. But as much as I support the advancement of biotechnology, it does scare me a little bit. But then again, I am hopeful.


Maybe then, my beloved peanut butter will endow me with super-powers.

Then I can go fly to Hollywood and beat up all the stupid celebrities so the only ones left are George Clooney and Matthew McConaghey. They'll be so lonesome that they'll turn to me for comfort and THEN...(insert your own lurid scenario involving Jello and Twister here.)

Or maybe it'll just make me smarter? Who knows?


So with that, my dear friends, I am done for today. Tune in tomorrow when you'll hear Sudiegirl say, "Get the HELL out of my way!"

Smooches to all!