I've been trying to find funny stuff...but it's not coming to me today. I'm just going to write and get things off my chest.

OK...it's Friday, we're on the fringes of the loverly hurricane (storm, whatever) that's hitting the Carolinas.

And I'm feeling blah.

I'm not weepy, mind you. I'm not suicidal, I'm not plotting to blow up anything.

I'm just blah.

Is that really depression? I mean, even though I've been dealing with depression for a while, sometimes I fall into the trap that I'm not really depressed unless I'm pulling the "Camille" bit, in my boudoir, wearing widow's weeds and the death-bringer of choice is in a dainty china cup at my bedside. So I just go on, because I figure since I'm not flat on my back, sighing and weeping, I'm OK, right?

Right?

I went to the psych yesterday, and you all know I've been fighting a cold this week. So I'm not really gonna look my personal best to begin with. But my psych told me, "You look depressed."

"Really?" I croaked. I'm surprised she knew what I was saying in the first place because I was so damned raspy, but hey. What do I know? I just ingest the pills...I don't prescribe them.

So she increased my Lamictal and I'll start on the new dosage in the next few weeks. I'm not sure if I'm going to be weaned off the Paxil. I have to get a blood test, and as you all know, I'm a "hard stick". (Read entry from a day or two ago for definition of this term.)

But I know the meds won't be enough. Other than this blog, I really don't have that many people to talk with.

That's not the harsh circumstance of urban living, mind you.

I'm already in a relationship with D, so connecting with single females is hard to do.

Second, the few married females I know have kids. I'm not against kids, but sometimes it's hard for "grownup time" to be established. One of my few female friends has a daughter who's 7, is fond of listening in on the phone, pouts when she doesn't get her way, and is a pickier eater than me (that says something right there). Furthermore, if this friend and I have "female time", the child ALWAYS comes along, and ALWAYS wants her mother to buy her everything she sets her li'l orbs on.

Third, most of the close friends I have are male in the first place (like L., my guitarist, my best friend from college, my second husband...). So without any kind of ulterior motive, I feel drawn to men because somehow they're just easier for me to connect with. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when a hetero relationship has already been established.

The only female I can really open up to is my therapist. So therefore, everything I say is in a file in her office, scrutinized once I leave my appointment.

I gues that's why I blog so much. I'm sure there are certain parties - cough,cough*IT2M*cough, cough - that wish I would stop. But I guess that's part of my contrary nature...

Charming Aside:
BTW, I've been officially banned from their site (Iinteresting to note that I've been banned. That's kind of like not letting Hitler into a KKK Rally, isn't it?) Ya gotta admit, though, the banning page is cute. It has a teddy bear with a cute li'l t-shirt that says "f**k off" on it. Charming. I think I'll use it as a wedding cake topper.

Anyway, I'm just not sure what to do. There have been many stressful situations the past (almost) year. Between Dad's death, problems with our vehicles, adjusting to the fact that I'm going to be married again and what that entails, $ problems, and just plain loneliness, I am just overloaded and blah.

I guess that's what therapy is for. Barf.

Oh well...maybe I'll find some more friends. What's the proper bait for that, anyway?

(just kidding, folks)

Sudiegirl