Writer's block slowly fades away...and a revolutionary method of population control (thanks, Stephen Hawking!)

I apologize for the writers block-type rut I’ve been in the past few days. Oh well, I’ll certainly try to make up for it.

Yesterday, we had rain – I’m wondering if we were on the outer fringes of the storm front hitting Florida. Oh well…that’s how it goes around here, ya know?

Anyway, life’s OK here for the most part. Not much interesting stuff going on other than another fab Swing Time Big Band gig in Washington Grove. This gig pays our “rent”, I do believe. It should be all right – we’ll see what we can do with it.

Well, since nothing in MY life is exciting, let’s see what’s going on elsewhere.

In the "Oh, this should be good! I'm stayin' up for this one..." department, Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” installment for Wednesday features Ann Coulter and…






I kid you not…

George Carlin.










Jeez – that’s like throwing a snake and a mongoose together, isn’t it? Yowza. I certainly hope he puts her in her rightful place, which is locked in a broom closet somewhere. It’s only fair.

Next, from the "Well, since Hawking says so…" department comes this tidbit.

Apparently, Steven Hawking says that in order for the human race to survive, we must consider establishing settlements elsewhere; specifically, another planet.

I would like to throw this out to my public and see what they say…I think in order for the human race to survive, some people should be sent to outer space that are just totally annoying. All the rest of us cool people can stay here.

And with that, here’s my first ever list of “People who should be blasted into outer space, never to be seen or heard from again.”

Ready?

(By the way, my list will also include groups of people as well…better to thin the herd with, don’t you think?)

1. First one: The Verizon Wireless guy. YES, I CAN HEAR YOU NOW…SHUT UP! Let’s send him and his little windbreaker to Mars.

2. David Schwimmer (he reminds me of someone I used to date – the dreaded bassoon player that looks like Bert from “Sesame Street”)


3. The yahoos that invented the ability to leave spam comments in blogs. They deserve to be sent somewhere REALLY remote, like that planet in “Battlefield Earth”…Psychlos? Is that it?









4. Anyone who campaigns for Lyndon LaRouche. I am not interested in his political agenda, and I think whoever trains his little disciples needs to teach them that “No means No”. I almost punched a college kid dead in the face because he wouldn’t leave me alone and kept shoving propaganda stuff in my hands. I shoved it right back. (*shudder*) It really made me angry.

Here’s a description from Wikipedia that seems to sum it all up: Although LaRouche has no formal qualifications, he has written extensively on economic, scientific, political, and cultural topics as part of his political views. Critics regard him as a conspiracy theorist, crackpot, attention-seeker and political extremist, while Chip Berlet, Dennis King, and others have described him as a fascist, a cult leader, a homophobe, and an anti-Semite. He has also been labeled an "unrepentant Marxist-Leninist" by Lt.Gen. Daniel O. Graham, former head of the Defense Intelligence Agency, along with other high-ranking U.S. intelligence officers.

In summation, how about putting those people really close to the sun so they burn up?


5. Hmmm…let’s see…how about women that wear low-rise jeans that really shouldn’t? I’m not just talking plus-sizes like my own bad self. I’m talking anyone who isn’t TONED to the MAX. Otherwise, you just look like a refugee from the Not-Quite-Pro Bowlers Tour, especially if you’re wearing a thin t-shirt. Honestly – I don’t think I’m being a prude. It’s just that when these women walk around in their low-rises, and they’ve got the hips sticking out, they look like underbaked muffins. Ugh.

6. Parents who let their kids run around in restaurants, stores, or other public places and act like fools.

I’m not just being an old maid here, griping about kids because I hate them. No, no. I hate their PARENTS. If you’re going to take your children out in public, the least you could do for the rest of us is take responsibility and WATCH them instead of checking your Blackberry for messages or gossiping with your friends. While you’re doing that, your li'l dumplins are playing in the deep-fat fryer at McDonalds or tormenting small animals with sharp sticks. Furthermore, I’m not paid to be their babysitter.

True story: when I was a waitress in college, I had to deal with a party that had a “precocious” (read: demon-possessed) four year old child. The little creep was running around all over the place, getting in the way, and stealing my TIPS. I busted him more than once, and marched him over to his parents. They were mad at me, but I explained that if I got burnt because he was under my feet, they’d be responsible. I don’t think I’m out of line in this regard. If I am, you might as well go to some other blog and read about puppies and rainbows. You ain’t gettin’ that stuff here, sorry to say.

7. The husband and wife in that stupid “Magic Bullet” infomercial. You know the one I mean, with the food processor thingie that provides you with manna from heaven for the rest of your Earthly days (according to them)? It’s a food processor. NO more, NO less. These people are entirely too enthusiastic about their small appliances. Come on now. I don’t prance about my kitchen when I’m toasting a bagel, or popping popcorn in the microwave. Wait a minute – let me amend that. I don’t FILM MYSELF while prancing about my kitchen toasting bagels, and I’M DAMN SURE not giving testimonials about my lovely toasted bagels either. I eat them, I’m done.

8. People that have their Walkman/iPod up so loud that you can kind of hear what they’re listening to, but not enough to really hear it correctly. You know what I mean? It’s like, you hear the thumping bass, but you can’t hear the melody so you NEVER know what that song is that they’re listening to. AAAAGGGGHHHHH!

9. Apologies in advance to D (who is guilty of this sometimes)…People that confuse the cashier at fast-food places.

You know who I mean – people who change their mind eight times in the course of one transaction? Then they have the NERVE – the absolute GALL – to get mad if their order isn’t right.

Here’s my solution to that problem if we can’t shoot them into outer space…they get three tries at the ordering thing. If they still don’t know what they want by the third try, release a trap door that sends them to an incinerator. They won’t do it more than once, I guarantee.

10. OK – here’s the BIG one.

Madonna.

I know, I know…but hear me out on this one. I have many reasons for wanting Madonna to be shot into space. Here are some of them:

a) The charming ensemble that she wore to this year’s Grammys. You know, the swimsuit thing with the pantyhose-ish stuff? It’s like she got a defective pair of pantyhose; they forgot to finish weaving them from the knees down.

b) I’ll never forgive her for the cone bra – ever.

c) She broke Sean Penn’s heart.

d) Can’t she just sing insipid pop-dance tunes without political propaganda and crucifixes? Concert tickets cost enough as it is – cut back on the props.

So there you have it – my list of People Who Should Be Shot into Outer Space. I think that’ll thin out the herd considerably, don’t you?

Sudiegirl
(who boldly goes where no chick wants to go, or something like that…)