And now, from the "Brownie better run for his life, y'all" and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: I read this, and I think steam came out my ears. I’ll be skipping through, making snarky comments, the usual…see you at the bottom.

FEMA funds spent on divorce, sex change
By LARRY MARGASAK, Associated Press Writer
Wed Jun 14, 3:38 AM ET

Houston divorce lawyer Mark Lipkin says he can't recall anyone paying for his services with a FEMA debit card, but congressional investigators say one of his clients did just that. (OK, why are we surprised? He’s a LAWYER, and of COURSE he’s not going to remember it that way. DUH!)

The $1,000 payment was just one example cited in an audit that concluded that up to $1.4 billion — perhaps as much as 16 percent of the billions of dollars in assistance expended after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita — was spent for bogus reasons. (Great. Is anyone thinking that the powers that be should be smacking their foreheads saying “Stupid, stupid, stupid”? I am…oh BOY, am I thinking that way.)

The Federal Emergency Management Agency also was hoodwinked to pay for season football tickets, a tropical vacation and a sex change operation, the audit found. (OK, now, I’ve gotta say – while I am P.O’d that this happened – that you’ve gotta admire the cojones of these people. Oh, except the person who had the sex change. BTW, whoever got the sex change either struck a heck of a deal OR went to a discount sex-change clinic. They’d better check the receipt, because some parts may be non-functioning.)

Prison inmates, a supposed victim who used a New Orleans cemetery for a home address and a person who spent 70 days at a Hawaiian hotel all were able to get taxpayer help, according to evidence that gives a new black eye to the nation's disaster relief agency. (Black eye? Try multiple cuts and contusions, baby. But again, gotta admire the audacity. I mean, did they think that sentiment would over-ride fraud? I think my favorite was the person who used the cemetery as an address. “Yes, take a left at the 2nd mausoleum, then take a right at the black marble tombstone with the cactus on it. I’ll be the live person sitting on the park bench.”)

"I do Katrina victims all the time," Lipkin, the divorce attorney, told The Associated Press. (Oh, double entendre time.) "I didn't know anybody did that with me. I don't think it's right, obviously." (OK…if they pay you with a credit card, they’re going to have an electronic trail of sorts. If they got a cash withdrawl with said credit card, then it would be a bit harder to trace…)

Government Accountability Office officials were testifying before a House committee Wednesday on their findings. (Read: People with sweaty brows and three layers of deodorant on were trying to explain how this could have possibly happened. I mean, it was supposed to be foolproof, right? But then again, who can figure out a childproof cap faster than a child? Nobody.)

Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Texas, chairman of the subcommittee overseeing an investigation of post-hurricane aid, called the bogus spending "an assault on the American taxpayer." (After which he hopped into his taxpayer-financed Audi and drove away to pick up his kids from private school and his wife from her yoga class for codependent, socially ambitious housewives.)

"Prosecutors from the federal level down should be looking at prosecuting these crimes and putting the criminals who committed them in jail for a long time," he said. (I’m really trying hard not to be cynical about this, I REALLY am. But I’m breaking out with hives due to the toxins that need to get out of my body.)

To dramatize the problem, investigators provided lawmakers with a copy of a $2,358 U.S. Treasury check for rental assistance that an undercover agent received using a bogus address. The money was paid even after FEMA learned from its inspector that the undercover applicant did not live at the address. (Uh-huh…but the thing is, another government agency is responsible for the faster processing time on that government check. Therefore, one agency inadvertently screwed another one. If this happened in the days of “beat the bank”, it would have taken forever to clear and you would have been able to cover those tracks.)

FEMA spokesman Aaron Walker said Tuesday that the agency, already criticized for a poor response to Katrina, makes its highest priority during a disaster "to get help quickly to those in desperate need of our assistance." (Well, what would a defense attorney say? “Define desperate. Define need. After all, some people suffer from gender dysphoria and need to have a sex change. Some people are dying of cancer and want to see their wife’s second cousin’s ex-husband’s nephew’s mailman’s neighbor’s oldest son play ball before they go to heaven. They have needs. What’s wrong with that?” Damn…I’m BRILLIANT!)

"Even as we put victims first, we take very seriously our responsibility to be outstanding stewards of taxpayer dollars, and we are careful to make sure that funds are distributed appropriately," Walker said. (Substitute “outstanding” for “inadequate” and “like a drunken sailor on shore leave” for “appropriately” and I think we’d be closer.)

FEMA said it has identified more than 1,500 cases of potential fraud after Katrina and Rita and has referred those cases to the Homeland Security Department's inspector general. The agency said it has identified $16.8 million in improperly awarded disaster relief money and has started efforts to collect the money. (I wonder if that’s just for starters? It seems to me that if they’ve identified some fraud, there might be more out there, lurking – lurking – like Ann Coulter in front of Pat Robertson’s house, waiting for his signal so they can screw like minks again.)

The GAO said it was 95 percent confident that improper and potentially fraudulent payments were much higher — between $600 million and $1.4 billion. (Ninety-five percent confident, huh? Well, I suppose that’s honest. However, would you want your deodorant to be ninety-five percent functioning? Or your car? Or can you overlook that extra five percent. Wow…I’m really snotty today. It’s fun!)

The investigative agency said it found people lodged in hotels often were paid twice, since FEMA gave them individual rental assistance and paid hotels directly. FEMA paid California hotels $8,000 to house one individual — the same person who received three rental assistance payments for both disasters. (I’ll bet that accountant is SO fired. But riddle me this, Batman…why didn’t FEMA do checks and balances on themselves? I mean, I’m not an expert in disaster recovery by any means, but I remember this: my parents lost their home to a very powerful straight winds storm. They stayed in a hotel for a month, which was covered by their insurance company. They then found a home in town to rent, which was also covered by their insurance company. However, the insurance company seemed to know which was which, and they didn’t “double dip”. Why can’t FEMA do the same thing?)

In another instance, FEMA paid an individual $2,358 in rental assistance, while at the same time paying about $8,000 for the same person to stay 70 nights at more than $100 per night in a Hawaii hotel. (Could someone tell me how ANOTHER someone who has lost everything in a hurricane could get to an airport and fly to Hawaii in the first place?)

FEMA also could not establish that 750 debit cards worth $1.5 million even went to Katrina victims, the auditors said. (OH, that’s lovely. I’m glad I don’t work for FEMA. I probably wouldn’t have a job by now, and it wouldn’t even be my fault. And who’s to say that some FEMA employees didn’t have sticky fingers?)

Among the items purchased with the cards:

• An all-inclusive, one-week Caribbean vacation in the Punta Cana resort in the Dominican Republic. (Well, you know…it’s to relieve stress. However, if I’d gone through a hurricane, I really wouldn’t want to see the ocean again if I could help it. But that’s just me.)

• Five season tickets to New Orleans Saints professional football games. (Jeez…they should have just stayed on at the stadium in the emergency shelter, at this rate.)

• Adult erotica products in Houston and "Girls Gone Wild" videos in Santa Monica, Calif. (Eewwwwww.)

• Dom Perignon champagne and other alcoholic beverages in San Antonio. (Well, it’s to celebrate being saved from the clutches of errant weather systems…right? Uh…yeah? Personally, my budget allows for wine in a box or anything with a screw-cap.)
  

"Our forensic audit and investigative work showed that improper and potentially fraudulent payments occurred mainly because FEMA did not validate the identity of the registrant, the physical location of the damaged address, and ownership and occupancy of all registrants at the time of registration," GAO officials said. (Translation: “FEMA screwed up beyond all recognition, and Brownie had better be hiding or else we’ll tear that boy UP.”)

FEMA paid millions of dollars to more than 1,000 registrants who used names and Social Security numbers belonging to state and federal prisoners for expedited housing assistance. The inmates were in Louisiana, Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia and Florida. (I think this one’s my favorite. How many extra nano-seconds would it have taken to do a criminal check on these people? Don’t they have to put their social security numbers on these forms? If they do, doesn’t it ring true that they could and SHOULD be checked out? DUH!)

FEMA made about $5.3 million in payments to registrants who provided a post office box as their damaged residence, including one who got $2,748 for listing an Alabama post office box as the damaged property. (Well, you know, destroying a mail box IS a federal offense.)

The GAO told of an individual who used 13 different Social Security numbers — including the person's own — to receive $139,000 in payments on 13 separate registrations for aid. All the payments were sent to a single address. (And NOBODY caught this? The person in charge of printing checks didn’t stop and say, “Jesus, how big IS this guy’s house? Are some people sleeping in the yard or what?)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

OH LORD. 1500 cases? $16.8 million? That's a lot of stuff...wow.

As far as “efforts to collect the money”, how are they possibly going to get their money back?
Because I am so civic minded, here are some suggestions from Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc.

1. Lots and lots of bake sales.

2. Panhandling with signs that say, “I am a FEMA employee trying to collect funds spent by idiots based on an idea concocted by a bigger idiot. If I collect $100 today, I get a free t-shirt. Please help!” (I realize that is a lot for a poster, but if we write small and legible, we should be OK.)

3. Enter into an agreement with Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormon missionaries to create a double-pronged message – salvation and refilling government coffers.

4. Creating fines for celebrities for predictable behavior. Examples: Lindsay Lohan for getting into a catfight with Paris Hilton; Brad Renfro for stealing boats; Leif Garrett for…well, BREATHING. The list is endless.

5. Did I mention bake sales?

6. A benefit concert with really bad singers, so people will pay money NOT to go.

In the interest of idea-sharing, I’d like to hear from you…what fundraising ideas do YOU have for FEMA? Our country needs you!

Sudiegirl the patriotic (but still laughing her sizable a$$ off)