Twisted Tuesday, me ma's gettin' a computer, and vacation dilemmas answered!
Analysis: Bush Courts Two Sides at Once
(AHA! He's a "playa"! I wonder if Laura knows about this?)
Critics Assail Wash. Over Starving Elk 
(Wouldn't it be easier to just feed the damned things?)
Calif. Officials Resume Sea Lion Battle
(What kind of weapons do you use against a sea lion?)
Advisory Warning About Eating Sport Fish
(I have one that's really concise - "Don't.")
Top 10 Vacations Where A Satellite Phone Could Save Your Life
(Uh...excuse me...why would anyone want to take a vacation where "save your life" is a key factor? I'll be under the bed...thanks a lot, ya pukes...)
Casinos flush with cash in Mississippi 
(I usually flush with the handle on the toilet tank, or with a bucket of water if things break down.)
Israeli Prime Minister to Visit Bush
(Insert your own inappropriate joke here)
Scientists Create World's Smallest Brush
(Is there a reason for this? Or is this for the Travelocity gnome?)
Pennsylvania Puts Cormorants on Hit List
(Tony Soprano was quoted as saying, "You want me to shoot a motherf*****' bird? Fuhgeddaboudit.")
Bears Eat Monkey in Front of Zoo Visitors
(I wonder if it tasted like chicken?)
So – I got the shock of my rather young life yesterday.
My mother bought a computer.
Let me repeat that.
My. Mother. Bought. A. Computer.
Moreover, she’s going to have DSL internet installed next week.
I can see the four horsemen of the apocalypse riding on the horizon. My mother is a very intelligent woman, but I never thought I’d see the day she’d be purchasing or using a computer.
I know Dad wanted to get a computer at one time, but I burst his bubble when I told him there were all kinds of solitare games that were pre-installed.
He growled, “Well, your mother plays too damn much solitare as it is. I don’t think we’ll be getting a computer anytime soon.”
So my mother is now riding the wave of computer technology. I’m still scared…
For example, I was addicted to sending those stupid chain e-mails. I broke the cycle, but D’s mom hasn’t yet and got mad at me for asking her to quit sending them. What if MY mom starts doing that? NOOOOOO! I don’t wanna hear about 100 uses for dryer sheets! I don’t want to get something from her that tells me I’ll have bad luck if I don’t forward this to 48 people. I can’t (and won't) deal with it.
Oh well…maybe Jennine and Ruth will keep her on the straight and narrow path of righteousness.
Anyway…
In the "MY PARENTS WENT TO (insert location here) AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT" department, Rolf Potts ponders why travelers buy dumb souvenirs. I tend
to wonder that myself, but then I look at it this way: through my consumer idiocy, I am supporting jackelope ranches. Shot glass companies all over this great land of ours can keep workers on the assembly lines. And OF COURSE I use those foot long giant pencils – who wouldn’t? (See why it’s a good thing I stopped sending those chain e-mails? I can only believe in one stupid thing at a time, thank you.)
Next, in the "My Parents Paid Lots of Money to Walk Around With Their Goodies Hanging Out And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" department, there’s a new ranch in town. An all-nude dude ranch, that is. The article is so short that I’m going to re-produce it in its entirety here in this blog o’ mine and pepper generously with comments. Here we go:
New Nude Dude Ranch Opens in Arizona
Mon May 15, 1:40 PM ET
Well, the hats are still OK. But you won't need the pants. (Of course – it’s obviously more important not to sunburn your face than your nether regions.)
The 30-acre Mira Vista Resort has opened as a "clothing-optional" resort, where nudists can enjoy lounging by the pool, playing tennis, doing yoga or even Pilates. (Let me just imagine myself in this for a moment – I’m doing naked yoga, and then I get a LEG CRAMP! It’d be akin to a beached whale suddenly having seizures. Oh lord, I need a shot of bourbon.)
"It's hard to go back to wearing a bathing suit once you've tried it nude," Dave Landman, one of six new owners, told the Arizona Daily Star. (Tried what nude? Tried going through the buffet line nude? Tried calling American Express nude because someone stole all your money and you had no place to put it?) He added that "winter visitors, baby-boomers and nude recreation go hand in hand." (Oh goody. So senior citizens with lots of loose skin flapping in the breeze can hold hands with former hippies and frolic, cavort and skip about in the nude. Be still my heart.)
The resort has 14 guest rooms, a restaurant, wellness center, pool and spa, tennis courts and the facade of an 1800s Wild West town. (I’m sorry…if I were in attendance at this fabulous resort, the view of naked white folks walking about showing their giblets to the other naked white people would really have me jonesin’ for a trip to Disneyland.)
Prior to opening as the Mira Vista, the site was home to the Coyote Moon Resort and Spa, which offered gay and lesbian travelers holistic health education and wellness programs. It closed in December. (Something tells me that it didn’t necessarily improve after the closing. Maybe it’s just me…maybe I’m uptight…maybe the thought of people walking around nude that should be covered with canvas tarps instead causes severe gastro-intestinal discomfort!)
So I think I’ll be scratching this “dud” ranch off my list.
Branson here I come! Any tourist location that has a bathroom like Shoji Tobuchi’s (the great Japanese country/western fiddler, for those of you who don’t know) has gotta be good.
Sudiegirl
(who keeps her nethers covered, thank you very much.)
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