And now, from the "Friends of Bill W. Gardening Methods" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: You know, when I grow up I want to be an “expert”. You know why? Because they can say the most outrageous s**t ever and people will listen to them because…they’re an expert.

Sometimes I feel nobody takes me seriously about my scientific theories, like the fact that Diet Pepsi helps with sore throat due to post nasal drip. It’s TRUE, dammit! Forget all that hot tea jive…that may work, but Diet Pepsi works better.

But some other guy makes a claim about enabling common houseplants with liquor and people are falling all over themselves.

It’s a racket, I tell ya…as Lucy said in “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, “It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.”

So meet ya at the bottom, folks!

Expert Says Hard Liquor Helps Houseplants
(Well, on Friday night I think I will pretend I am a ficus tree.)

By WILLIAM KATES, Associated Press Writer
Wed Apr 5, 10:53 PM ET

For home gardeners who don't want their flowers to tip over, a Cornell University horticulturist thinks he has the answer: Get the flowers a little tipsy with some hard liquor. (Ah…so now AA will be open to both animal and vegetable in a few years.)

Giving some plants diluted alcohol — whiskey, vodka, gin or tequila — stunts the growth of a plant's leaves and stems but doesn't affect the blossoms, said William Miller, director of Cornell's Flower Bulb Research Program. (Well, isn’t stunting the growth of the plants leaves and stems kind of BAD? I would think it would be. “Stunting”, as a rule, is not good.)

Miller reported his findings in the April issue of HortTechnology, a peer-reviewed journal of horticulture. (Also included were instructions on how to take care of a plant’s hangover. What would happen to a plant if you gave it Alka-Seltzer, I wonder quietly to myself?)

"I've heard of using alcohol for lots of things ... but never for dwarfing plants," said Charlie Nardozzi, a senior horticulturist with the National Gardening Association, a Vermont-based organization that promotes plant-based education. (I’ve heard of using alcohol for lots of things – improving one’s singing voice, dancing ability, wit, or one’s ability to get laid. Added bonus: avoidance of emotional ties or responsibility!)

"It sounded weird when I first heard about it, but our members say it works. I'm going to try it next year, just for curiosity," Nardozzi added. (Are you going to follow the “one shot for the aloe vera plant, one shot for me” theory? Something tells me if you did, after a while you would pass out on top of the plant.)

Miller's study focused on paperwhite narcissus and other daffodils but he's also had promising results with tulips. (Oh, so it’s a FLOWER thing, huh? What’s wrong…Boston ferns aren’t good enough for you? Spider plants are inadequate? I smell prejudice…does the ACLU offer assistance for this?)

"I think with a little jiggering — no pun intended — the method will work for tulips, though I think it will not be as simple as with paperwhites," he said. (Maybe if you pour the booze in a wooden shoe, then water the plant with it?)

Miller began his investigation last year after receiving a call from The New York Times about a reader who had written to the garden editor claiming that gin had prevented some paperwhite narcissi from growing too tall and floppy and asked if it was because of some "essential oil" in the gin. (Oh…I’ve got several issues with this paragraph. First of all, what’s wrong with tall and floppy? Why didn’t you do the same thing one does with tomatoes…use stakes? Second…I’ve never heard of gin having an essential oil in it. It’s made from juniper berries, right? I didn’t think there was oil in juniper berries. Maybe the seeds, but not the berry itself.)

Intrigued that diluted alcohol might act as a growth retardant, Miller began conducting experiments with ethanol. Because hard liquor is easier for consumers to obtain (unless they’re minors or live in a “dry” town), he switched to alcohol and began trying different kinds, including dry gin, unflavored vodka, whiskey, white rum, gold tequila, mint schnapps, red and white wine and pale lager beer, on paperwhites. (That sounds like many of the parties I’ve been to in college.)

The beer and wine did not work, likely because of their sugar content, he said. (Well, aren’t all alcohols merely a fermented sugar or starch of some sort? They’re usually derived from a fruit, a vegetable or a grain.)

"While solutions greater than 10 percent alcohol were toxic, solutions between 4 and 6 percent alcohol stunted the paperwhites effectively," said Miller. "When the liquor is properly used, the paperwhites we tested were stunted by 30 to 50 percent, but their flowers were as large, fragrant and long-lasting as usual." (However, the flowers had a tendency to be melancholy and failed their sobriety tests.)

Any economic benefits, at least directly, are slight, he said. Commercial horticulturists already have other growth-control methods for large-scale production. But for home gardeners, the gain is in terms of product quality. According to the NGA, 83 percent of all U.S. households participate in some type of indoor or outdoor gardening activity. (I’m in the minority yet again. I don’t do plants…my 1st husband left behind some plants when he dumped me, and I refused to water them. Therefore, I let them die in their pots whilst hanging from my apartment walls. I couldn’t bear to take them down at first because they reflected my mood, but one night my mother said, “Why do you have dead plants hanging on the wall?” I replied, “Because they’re Mike’s and he forgot about them.” My mother shot back, “Well, thank God they weren’t children.” So NO PLANTS for SUDIEGIRL.)

Miller, however, said he could envision profitable marketing schemes emerging from the study. (Beer Bongs from Earl May? “Plants Gone Wild”? Flower pots saying, “I was fertilized with the worm”? Lots to think about.)

"Maybe, instead of charging $1 for a bulb. You can market that $1 bulb with a mini bottle of Tanqueray, insert a little card with some history and instructions, put it in a fancy package and charge $10 for it." (Or just buy the bottle of Tanqueray and drink it your damn self. That way you feel better.)

Miller isn't sure why the alcohol stunts plant growth but he has three theories that he is exploring. (Well, POISONING is one theory…)

_Growth is caused when plant cells absorb water and expand. The alcohol could be injuring the plant roots, preventing the roots from absorbing the water as efficiently.
_When alcohol is mixed with the water, the plant has to use more of its growing energy to extract the water from the solution.
_The plant uses its growing energy to rid itself of the alcohol it has absorbed.

(So this is a…GOOD THING? I don’t think so. I mean, isn't your brain a perfect example of something that absorbs water? And you kill brain cells with alcohol...therefore, aren't you killing your plant? That's akin to foot binding, right? I don't mean to sound like an old sourpuss teetotaler, but come on now. I think the good folks at Cornell are reaching just a bit. I predict a spike in gardening, however...but the trick is to be able to stand upright and walk out of your garden by the time you're done.)

Miller will be working this spring to see if a little booze works for amaryllis and such vegetables as tomatoes and peppers. (Well, I can guarantee that pronouncing the names might be hard after you toss back a few.)

Imagine, he joked, you may be able to grow your own Bloody Mary. (Hahahah…get a new comedy writer, ya puke.)
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On the Net:
National Gardening Association: http://www.garden.org/

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

SEE? I should be an expert if this yahoo can be. If some yutz is going to tell people to give their plants booze, I should be able to say whatever I want regarding crackpot scientific theories.

However, aspiring gardeners under the age of 21 are, shall we say, “S.O.L”. Maybe if they find an older gardener to buy for them…

”Uh, yeah, sure, it’s for my ficus.”

Whatever…

Sudiegirl
(who is 100% plant free, and OK with it.)