Musings of a chick: Haven't heard from this kitty in a while; Millie's thoughts on modern love

FROM: The desk of the almighty, all-knowing, all-encompassing Millie A. Catt, THE Maine Coon Cat...who occupies the home of Sudiegirl (but don't think I'm not working on how to change the situation...)
TO: My adoring public, because they missed me, I'm sure of it.
RE: My absence and what I intend to do to make up for it.

All right, let's get this straight before anything else is typed, dammit.

I'm actually the creative one in this house. Don't let that red-haired bimbo who thinks she runs the joint fool you...I know you guys come here to read my thoughts.

Sudiegirl has actually been trying to suppress my creativity by giving me cheap cat food that makes me barf, and she's also cut down my bologna slice intake to NONE. I intend to call PETA about this as soon as I can find their number in the phone book.

Apparently that - WOMAN - who insists that I call her "Mommy" seems to think she is the only one who can do this crap. Any hack can do what she does, and I'm just the dame to prove it.

So here we go, and no applause is necessary...I know you love me...

Millie, the all-knowing, perfect in every way, and modest Maine Coon Cat.

(PS: Don't tell "Mommy" I did this or I'll be grounded. Chel blabs everything anyway so she'll hear about it soon enough. Stupid American Shorthairs...)

The Bachelor' Couple Say Romance Is Over
Tue Mar 7, 1:56 PM ET

Humphrey Bogart said it to Ingrid Bergman in "Casablanca" and now Dr. Travis Stork can say it to Sarah Stone: "We'll always have Paris." (OK...I'm just a cat...but why is a stork proposing to a stone? They're different species!)

Stork, an emergency room physician, chose Stone, an elementary school teacher, in the finale of ABC's "The Bachelor: Paris" last week. (Interesting that birds and rocks can have such varying careers, isn't it?)

The couple told The Tennessean in a joint interview Monday they are no longer a couple. (Well, what's the big deal if they only told one person? Meow? Anybody out there? Damn, I need to smoke some catnip.)

Stork, 33, said the rules that prohibited them from dating or being together in public between the end of the show's taping in November and the Feb. 27 finale were hard on their relationship. (Rules suck. Cats should know...we don't follow rules...)

The France-set "Bachelor" deployed 25 women to vie for Stork's affections during a series of glamorous dates. The season began in January. (Now why would they have women date birds? That just seems wrong to me. 'Scuse me while I lick my butt.)

"You're in Paris and you're part of this incredible experience, this fantasy world, and then suddenly you come back to Nashville, and living in the same city I think we thought was going to be a great thing," he said. "But instead, you're forced to pretend you don't know someone, for essentially the last four months. (Cats pretend we don't know people all the time. What the hell's wrong with you? Our brains are smaller than yours and we can perform this amazing feat. Jeez...humans...Oh, gotta lick my butt again.)

"The reality is that we were in this fantasy world. And now that we're back in Nashville, over time when you're not allowed to see someone, you grow apart." (Tell me about it...there was this Siamese cat...and...well, let's just say tuna was involved.)

Stone, 26, said, "I definitely think it would've worked out differently" if she and Stork had met and dated under different circumstances. (I'm still not over this rock/bird thing...woops...gotta lick my butt again...I think I missed a spot.)

"We wouldn't have had all the baggage that comes from being on this show. It would just be the two of us being able to hang out and get to know each other in a normal situation," she said. (What kind of baggage does a rock have, anyway? Or a bird, for that matter? Damn this cheap kitty litter Sudiegirl buys...I have to lick my butt AGAIN...)

Both said they remain single and unattached and that they had no regrets about doing the show. (How nice for them! Meanwhile, I have to use cheap kitty litter and the other damned cat that lives here is afraid of lint. I hate my life.)

"Through this time, we realized that it was a great experience in Paris and that we're so lucky to have met one another in Paris, and we'll never forget that," Stone said. "And we both agree and know that we'll be friends forever." (Yeah, yeah, but MY ASS STILL ITCHES!!!!! Damn you, Sudiegirl! I'll get you for this cheap kitty litter stunt!)

Asked if they might reconnect romantically after publicity has died down, both just laughed. (I really don't care at this point...MEOWR! MY BUTT IS BURNING UP HERE!!! I GOTTA GO!)