And now, from the "NOOOOOOO! I BEG OF YOU HAVE MERCY!" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: You know, just when this whole “Did you shoot J.R., Sue Ellen?” crap was beginning to wear off…they bring it right back. Why do they need to make a movie out of this old thing? Why don’t they make a movie out of a worthwhile series, like…”My Mother the Car”?

I’m mad, peoples, so guess what I’m a gonna do? Yup…you got it...PS: the sketch of exasperated penguins is from www.penguinart.com; aren't they cute?

J.Lo Does "Dallas" (Maybe)
By Sarah Hall
2 hours, 14 minutes ago

The big-screen remake of Dallas is hoping to strike oil with an all-star cast. (Oh yay…I’m jumping for joy as we speak. Hop, hop, hop.)

Director Robert Luketic has offered Jennifer Lopez, John Travolta, Luke Wilson and Shirley MacLaine lead roles in the upcoming picture, according to Daily Variety. (Notice they DIDN’T INCLUDE the director's home address so he can’t receive pipe bombs in the mail from me. Variety is definitely on their toes, wouldn’t you say?)

While no deals are yet in place, all of the thesps are reportedly expected to sign on, meaning production on the long-gestating film could commence in October. (Oh no…note to self…dig bunker by September 29, stock with Chubby Hubby ice cream, Brad Pitt, and Cheetoes. Wait until fiasco blows over.)

J.Lo, who previously worked with Luketic on “Monster-in-Law”, would play Sue Ellen Ewing, the alcoholic and adulterous wife of J.R. Ewing, who was originally played by Linda Gray in the primetime soap, which aired from 1978-91. (Two things…this was a DEFINITE example of a run on sentence. Secondly, if any English teachers are out there, it is not proper form to leave quotation marks off when listing a movie or TV show title, is it? My instincts say no. Then again, my instincts also told me to vote for Nader.) If Lopez accepts the role, it work mark a return to studio fare after shooting a pair of back-to-back independent films. (But why THIS project? This is STUPID. Why can’t they just leave it alone? They’ll either be totally serious – and it’ll suck – or they’ll be tongue placed firmly in cheek – and it’ll suck.)

Travolta has been offered the role of J.R., the oil baron played by Larry Hagman, whose shooting in the final episode of the 1979-80 season, "A House Divided," inspired the legendary pop culture slogan, "Who Shot J.R.?" (Don’t remind me…I’m still in therapy due to issues regarding this.) The answer, revealed Nov. 21, 1980, in the episode "Who Done It?" generated one of the biggest television audiences in history, with 83 million viewers tuning in to learn that Sue Ellen's sister, Kristin, shot her brother-in-law in a fit of anger. (Yeah! You know why? He was cheating on his mistress with someone else? How logical is that? The mistress – who is the sister of JR's wife – gets mad because he’s brought in a third party?! The other woman scorned…oh god. I’m gonna hurl. And another point...if you're gonna give a job to Barbarino, what about Gabe Kaplan and the rest of the Sweathogs? What...is Horshak going to play Cliff Barnes? Robert Hegyes as Jock Ewing or Digger Barnes? What about Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs as the "long-lost" brother, Gary Ewing? Wait...maybe Gabe Kaplan could be the ranch hand that boinks Lucy! Does it disturb anyone besides me that I know entirely too much about this stupid show?)

Casting the part of J.R. was reportedly the biggest challenge faced by the filmmakers, and Kevin Costner and Mel Gibson were other names in consideration for the role, according to Variety. (OK…two OSCAR winners for “BEST DIRECTOR” were up for this part? How hard up are Costner and Gibson (not to mention Hollyweird) anyway that they have to rehash an old nighttime soap and A-listers are competing for a role played by someone whose previous experience was with a genie? A bit of trivia…Larry Hagman’s mother was Mary Martin, who originated the roles of Nellie Forbush (“South Pacific”) and Peter Pan (“Peter Pan”) on the Broadway stage.)

Wilson is currently in negotiations for the role of Bobby Ewing, originally played by Patrick Duffy, and MacLaine has been offered the role of Miss Ellie Ewing, the family matriarch, originally played by Barbara Bel Geddes. (Interesting…so during breaks, MacLaine can give the cast a reading of their past lives? Maybe she’ll be possessed by the spirit of Barbara Bel Geddes? Who knows?)

Meanwhile, with plans heating up for the film's production, the people of Dallas are pushing hard to have Dallas shot within their city's limits. (Note to self: do not move to Dallas. Second note to self: Tell Jules and Ivy not to go for being extras in this movie or I will disown them.)

The Dallas Film Commission has launched the "Shoot J.R. in Dallas" campaign, in the hopes of luring 20th Century Fox to make the film in Texas, as opposed to non-Lone Star sites also in consideration. (What does Kinky Friedman have to say about this? Should this be part of his political platform?)

"The thought of Dallas being made in Toronto is not a good idea," Mayor Laura Miller told reporters. (Mayor Miller, if you remove "in Toronto" from your quotation I will agree. If not, nertz to you.)

Dallas officials estimate that the film would generate $30 million for the local economy, along with jobs and publicity. (OK…I always get sentimental when money is a factor. But still, can’t they make a GOOD movie instead of a rehashed soap opera?)

However, with film commissioners in states including Florida and Louisiana, as well as Canada, making bids to have the movie shot on their turf, the end location may ultimately be determined by budgetary concerns. (Translation: “Movie studios are ultimately cheapskates and will go for the lowest dollar amount while the stars flounce around town and have hissy fits because there is no tofu or Evian.” I can just hear it now..."YOU MEAN I HAVE TO EAT MOON PIES AND DRINK WATER FROM THE TAP? CALL MY AGENT!")

In February, Dallas coproducer Michael Costigan told the Dallas Morning News that he would rather "make the whole film in Dallas." (Obviously, nobody asked the general public how they feel about it – meaning me, of course…)

"It’s now going to come down to really making the numbers work with our studio," he said. (See? See? I told you. Cheap putzes.)

Though the Texas legislature passed a bill last year to offer movie producers up to a $750,000 rebate for production costs, the initiative remains unfunded, while both Florida and Louisiana have programs in place offering more attractive financial incentives. (OK, when I think rebate, I think those deals where you have to save UPC symbols and receipts plus a blood sample and then they give you the money back after 4 -6 weeks unless the company goes bankrupt. Is this what Texas has offered?)

But Dallas officials aren't giving up just yet. The city is hoping to generate funds from the private sector to boost incentives and has urged residents to shell out for "Shoot J.R. in Texas" merchandise, including hats, stickers and T-shirts. (Ah, what a lovely sentiment. Let’s spread that thought to the masses…”Let’s make a movie where one of the stars is a money-grubbing, hard-drinking, male slut that wears an expensive cowboy hat to cover his bald spot. We’ll make MILLIONS!”)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

I don’t want to change my name, so I will pray to the movie gods that this movie doesn’t get made.

Meanwhile, if you see my name suddenly change to Cassandra or Egberta on this blog, you’ll know my prayers were all in vain and this piece of crap concept is being made anyway.

Sigh…