Wednesday, February 15, 2006

And now, from the "I hope he's not allergic to wool or mutton" files and Yahoo! News

Sudiegirl sez: Ya know, I have seen many things in my 37 years. But THIS…I never thought I would hear a legal argument such as this. We had a guy in my hometown (or maybe it was just urban legend) that supposedly had a thing for sheep. His unoriginal yet effective nickname was…”Sheepie”. So don’t pull the wool over my eyes…let’s shear this puppy!

Mich. Man Sentenced in Sheep Abuse Case
Tue Feb 14, 10:13 PM ET

A man who pleaded no contest to a sodomy charge involving a sheep says he should not have to register as a sex offender. (However, he should have to be checked out by Planned Parenthood and the local Humane Society. It’s only fair.)

Jeffrey S. Haynes said the state registry is intended to keep track of people who have committed crimes against humans. (Warped as he is, he does make a good point!)

But Calhoun County Circuit Court Judge Conrad Sindt told Haynes at his sentencing hearing that once he is released from prison, he must register with the Michigan State Police Public Sex Offender Registry. (Well, I’m mixed about this. He committed the crime against an animal, but the animal belonged to someone, therefore…uh…help me out here, peoples!)

Haynes, 42, of Battle Creek, was sentenced Monday to 2 1/2 years to 20 years in prison. He entered the plea in January. A no contest plea is not an admission of guilt but is treated as such for sentencing purposes. (It’s also very popular with politicians and other celebrities.)

Tamara Towns, an assistant prosecutor for the county, argued that Haynes should be ordered to register as a sex offender because once out of prison, he could prey on children or vulnerable adults. (But maybe it’s a case of “once you go livestock, you never go back.” Ya think?)

Haynes said he is not a violent person and would not assault children. (But…what about lambs? Those are basically sheep in a childish state?)

"The prosecutor is being real hard on me for what I did," he said. "But I should not be treated as a child molester." (However, hide your farm animals and if you see him at the county fair, call your local law enforcement authorities if he starts lurking around the sheep exhibit.)

A telephone call seeking comment was left Tuesday at the Marshall office of defense attorney John B. Sullivan. (OK…time for “Sudiegirl gets picky”…technically, you don’t leave a call, do you? I think you leave a MESSAGE, not a CALL. Maybe this is why I don’t have very many friends? Who knows?)

Police said Haynes had sex with a sheep at a Bedford Township farm on Jan. 26, 2005. The animal's owner caught him on the property and the sheep was found injured. (Poor sheep…all that therapy…plus, what if the sheep caught something that can pass from human to animal?)

Haynes was arrested in June after a DNA sample taken from the animal matched Haynes' genetic material. (Well, what if there was a “little bundle of joy” as well? As Robin Williams said (paraphrased), “Look at it this way, you’ll never need a sweater!”)

Haynes has prior convictions for burglary, home invasion and uttering and publishing, and was on parole for burglary at the time of the sex crime. (Uh…OK…I’m not from Michigan so maybe this is a state-specific crime, but what is “uttering and publishing”? I have never heard of that charge in my life. But maybe things are different in Michigan? Oh well. And BTW, this guy is certainly diverse in his charges. Not that it’s necessarily a good thing, but it’s just interesting to note.)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

If he was a high school student, would this guy be barred from joining FFA?

Also, if I may be gross for a moment…look on the bright side. If you have relations with a sheep, at least you’ll have the softest hands in the county.

I know…ba-a-a-a-d joke.

Love and Lanolin,

(who, as far as she knows, has never had relations with livestock, poultry, or assorted other animals.)