Wednesday, January 18, 2006

And now, from the "If a cannibal has leftovers, does he put them in a people bag? or 'Ich Bin Ein Cannibal' " files, and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Yes, I’ve seen all three Hannibal Lecter movies. Yes, I know about Ed Gein. I’ve told my share of Jeffrey Dahmer jokes and Donner Party jokes. But still, you’re never really prepared when it happens, no matter how many jokes you tell or how many movies you see. Unfortunately, this guy isn’t taking requests of who I’d like him to eat…I’ve got a big list, I tells ya!

Cannibal draws unusual distinction…
By Bernhard Winkler
Tue Jan 17, 9:01 AM ET
A German cannibal who killed a man who wanted to be eaten told a court Monday that he had only been carrying out his victim's wishes and had not expressly sought to kill him. (I guess it’s just what happens when one is cut into tiny pieces and stuffed in a Crock Pot, huh?)

"I wanted to eat him, but I didn't want to kill him," Armin Meiwes, 44, told judges in three hours of testimony at his retrial. (So apparently he’s part snake…he likes his food live? I’ve heard many a story about snake owners making their pet’s food “move” when the food cannot do so on its own. Not sure what would work in this situation…)

Meiwes was sentenced in January 2004 to 8-1/2 years for manslaughter, but the Supreme Court ruled last April that the judges had been too lenient and ordered a retrial. (Personally, I would have left the sucker alone in case he got a taste for judicial meat, know what I mean?)

He had admitted killing Berlin-based computer specialist Bernd-Juergen Brandes, 43, but was spared a murder conviction and a possible life sentence because the victim had demanded to be eaten. (Uh-huh. So basically, this guy is just a misunderstood cannibal, no matter how weird that sounds. Something tells me there’s not a group therapy session that applies to him, but maybe I’m just being narrow-minded.)

Meiwes told the court, repeating much of his testimony from his first trial, that he had severed Brandes's penis at his request and that both had tried to eat it, without success. (Whoa NELLIE! I thought, since they were German, they’d just cover it with mustard and sauerkraut, then eat it like a bratwurst. What was the problem, I wonder quietly to myself while trying to fight back nausea?)

Brandes steadily lost more blood and finally dropped unconscious, at which point Meiwes said he decided to pray. (I guess that’s the last thing I would’ve expected, but then again, I DON’T EAT PEOPLE on a regular basis – that is, unless I’m asked nicely and given jewelry, and I get to pick the people…namely male.)

"I didn't know whether I should pray to the devil or to God," said Meiwes, who appeared relaxed and eager to tell his version of events. (Gee…that is also a conundrum. How about Betty Crocker for a start?)

Believing his victim to be dead, he said, he plunged a knife into his neck. Only when he later saw his videotape of the crime did he realize that Brandes had still been faintly breathing. (What is the German equivalent of “D’oh”? “Ach du lieber”?)

Meiwes's legal team has argued the defendant merely acceded to Brandes's wishes and that his crime was only "killing on request," a form of illegal euthanasia that carries a maximum five-year sentence. (Well, come on now. It’s one thing if Dr. Kevorkian does it, and quite another when some layperson does it while wearing a bib that says “Come and Get It” in German. This is definitely one of those “letter of the law” vs. “essence of the law” things.)

Prosecutors, hoping to secure a murder conviction, need to show that Meiwes killed Brandes not only because the latter had wanted to be eaten, but also due to a base desire of his own. (Do the words “misunderstood” and “cannibal” go together? Something tells me “no”…)

Germany's top criminal court said the first trial court had ignored the fact that Meiwes had filmed the slaying for later sexual gratification. (OK…what happened to the days when perversion was simple? ICK! ICK ICK ICK!)

Psychiatrists have found Meiwes deeply disturbed but sane. (OK…is it possible to be both? I’m not sure.)

Meiwes's lawyers told the court last week that he had earlier released four other potential victims who had changed their minds at the last minute and initially driven Brandes homeward after the victim appeared to lose his nerve. (He either lost his nerve or couldn’t find the steak sauce…one of the two.)

Meiwes, who met Brandes via the Internet, said he had been in contact with over 400 people who claimed they wanted to be slaughtered, although the vast majority were not prepared to fulfill their supposed fantasy. (Ya know why? BECAUSE IT HURTS!!!!! DUH! I mean, the only way I’d do it is if I were doped up to the gills, and even then I’d be like, “Let me think it over.”)

Of the handful of men he met, Meiwes said, only Brandes had been a truly willing victim. (Gee. That’s nice. Pass the sickie-bag, please.)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

My face is turning inside out upon itself as I type this…this is just too weird. Still, weirdness is what I thrive on, so in it goes.

Something tells me the salad bar sounds more appealing today, but I don’t know if the crunch of a carrot is equal to its screams of death, so maybe I’ll just have some Ding Dongs instead.