Sunday, January 22, 2006

And now, from the "Get your perfectly manicured hands off me, ya big palooka!" files, and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: To the left is Isaac Mizrahi. On the right, Tom Waits. Separated at birth? One would tend to think so, especially after watching Francis Ford Coppola's version of "Dracula". At any rate, you know things are getting bad in Hollyweird when gay fashion designers start gropin' obviously straight female actresses. He's kind of like that weird aunt that EVERYONE has (don't deny it) who would check to see if your boobies have grown any. At any rate, he also needs to check out the concept of "boundaries" along with Christian Slater (check out the archives to see what I mean) before someone gets hurt (namely HIM). I'll do my thing, and while you read, ask yourself...Doesn't Mizrahi also look a little bit like Jeff Daniels in his star-making turn as Harry Dunn in "Dumb and Dumber"?

E! Reporter Rubs Some Celebs Wrong Way

Sat Jan 21, 8:54 PM ET

Was it playfully outrageous, or just plain offensive? Live from the red carpet at the 63rd annual Golden Globes, E! correspondent Isaac Mizrahi groped Scarlett Johansson's breast, looked down Teri Hatcher's dress, asked Eva Longoria about her pubic hair and otherwise caught celebrities off-guard. (Is that possible?)

The openly gay fashion designer didn't mean to offend anyone, E! Networks President and CEO Ted Harbert told The Associated Press on Friday. (Well, gee - he should just be completely absolved of all blame, then, shouldn't he? Please note that sarcasm is dripping all over that previous sentence.)

In fact, Mizrahi was just what the network ordered. He's already been assigned to carpet duty at the Academy Awards on March 5. (Maybe he and Joan & Melissa Rivers will get into a big-ass cat fight. I might watch if that's the case!)

"I've hired Isaac because I felt the red carpet work on television, not just on E!, had become predictable, staid and frankly boring. What I wanted is someone who would bring surprise," Harbert said. (If the word "surprise" is a synonym for "multiple civil lawsuits", then you've got your boy.)

But whether the staid Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will take kindly to a repeat of Mizrahi's Golden Globes behavior on its own red carpet is another question entirely. (Well, if they aired it on the Oscar broadcast on ABC, it might improve their ratings. Don't they usually suck?)

"I have no idea what plans E! has on Oscar night. If they're suggesting they would do something similar on our red carpet, we would have some good discussions with them," said academy spokesman John Pavlik. ("Good discussions" equals "ass-chewing the likes of which one has never seen", I think?) "I can predict we would be extraordinarily angry if that happened on our carpet. I cannot predict what we would do afterwards." (They need to give me a call...I can think of a few things.)

E! has not received any official complaints from any of the actresses involved in Mizrahi's Golden Globes appearance, and no apologies have been issued, Harbert said. ( is it a publicity thing? Or are these babes afraid that if they complain, Isaac will have a big ol' hissy, stomp his feet and say, "I'm not making a dress for you ever again, you ungrateful sow!"?)

However, Mizrahi's comment to Charlize Theron about her Oscar-winning role as a "scary dyke with bad teeth" in 2004's "Monster" elicited a formal complaint from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. (D'oh! Not cool. Even if you think that, don't say that to the woman that won an Oscar for playing one. What, were you born in an elegantly decorated barn, Mizrahi?)

Harbert responded with a statement Thursday: "While E! Networks does not generally condone the use of that word, we are totally confident that Isaac is the last person on Earth who could be accused of even the slightest degree of homophobia." (That was a really fancy way of saying, "We are attempting to distance ourselves from this loose cannon as much as possible, but we still wish to employ him for his wacky ways so please don't hold us too responsible because you KNOW how flamboyant - well, YOU know - I don't think we need say any more at this point, now do we?")

GLAAD spokesman Damon Romine said E! agreed to edit the word out of future airings of Mizrahi's encounter with Theron. (I wonder how they're going to find a non-objectionable word that will match with "dyke" that they can throw in there instead. Spike? Kite? Trike? The list goes on...)

Mizrahi, who has his own talk show on the women-friendly cable channel Oxygen, questioned a stream of actresses on the Golden Globes carpet about everything from what they were wearing or not wearing underneath their gowns to personal grooming habits. (Oh yuck! I don't even like to talk about that crap with my MOTHER, much less with some fashion designer I don't even KNOW!!!!!)

He asked a purse-less Natalie Portman, 24, what she would do if she needed a cell phone, credit card or condom. Portman laughed. (Sudiegirl's response to that question? "Well, Ike, I'd probably just have to borrow those items from you. BTW, I need to make a call, get a blouse and go have sex. What ya got on you?")

He tugged on Hatcher's bronze halter to look for a hidden speech. "Oh my God, he touched my stomach and then he pulled down my dress!" she said. (Sudiegirl's method for deterrant? Two words - bear trap. "YOUCH!")

Mizrahi asked fellow "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria what her "hair was like down there." (Sudiegirl's response? "Probably like yours...dyed to match.")

"I'm sorry, I can't help myself," Mizrahi said, when called on his comments by co-commentators Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana DePandi. (Sudiegirl's response? "Up the meds.")

Fascinated by Johansson's skintight red Valentino dress, Mizrahi squeezed her breast twice. "What's going on!" she demanded. (Sudiegirl's response? Right hook to the jaw. Works every time.)

Johansson was too busy working on a new film to comment, said her publicist, Marcel Pariseau, and representatives of the other actresses did not returned phone or e-mail messages seeking comment by late Friday. (Now see, if they didn't care about whether this bozo that can't keep his hands to himself made them another dress, they'd be on the phone quicker than Larry the Cable Guy can find a Hooter's.)

Messages left at Mizrahi's New York office also were not immediately returned. (That must be publicity-speak for "Mizrahi's getting his bolts tightened again and won't be back until Thursday." I wanna be a publicist! I mean, throwing out vague phrases to cover up what's really going on ? That's what my entire life has been like up to this point!)

"I think he forgot he was on live television, and he talked to people as if he was in their living room, which is exactly what I wanted," explained Harbert. "As a fashion designer, he pokes and prods people's dresses every day." (Well, mother made many dresses for me, and she's the only one that is allowed to poke me and say half the disgusting things this guy said. And I would still yell at her if she went too far! I mean, the actresses should just simply say, "That's inappropriate", deck him one, and sue the bastard. Sorry! I guess that's why I'm not a dad taught me how to punch and my mom taught me how to yell. I'm a double threat.)

So let's ask these two (in)famous leches from Hollyweird what they think...

Beetlejuice sez: "Who the hell is this Mizrahi guy? He's stealin' my bit!"

Tyrone (with his main squeeze, Gladys) sez: "As you can see, sometimes public groping and lewd remarks don't pay off...OOOWWWW..." (tragically, the interview was cut short when Gladys whacked Tyrone with her alligator bag.)

So folks, think of me when you watch the Oscars and ask yourself, "Would Sudiegirl punch this guy, kick him or smile sweetly and call her lawyer?"

Litigiously yours,