Monday, December 19, 2005

And now from the "St. Nick's a Sore Loser?" files and Yahoo! News...

(Cover for the book Are You Grumpy, Santa? from

Sudiegirl sez: Where do they GET this stuff? And furthermore, why in GOD'S name would someone compete to be the World Champion Santa? I'm doing what I usually do...

Santa Wars as deposed British world champ fumes
Sun Dec 18,10:22 AM ET

LONDON (AFP) - The British Father Christmas who lost his Santa of the Year world crown has lashed out, citing a suspected campaign to stop him from winning again that has damaged "Santa morale". (Yes, it's all a conspiracy, isn't it?)

Ron Horniblew, 70, has been authorised by the Master Santa in Greenland and is part of the elite international Santa circuit who compete at the Santa Winter Games, where up to 50 Father Christmases compete for the world title. (OK, I don't mean to sound like a grouch or not in the spirit of things...oh hell, yes I do. I think this guy is a little bit too INVOLVED for his own good, don't you? I mean, I can get festive as much as anyone else, but when you start attaching words like "Master" and "Santa" together, it gets scary.)

Estonian accordionist Aare Rebban grabbed the crown "amid dark mutterings of political voting, professional jealousy and backbiting", The Mail on Sunday newspaper said. (That line was out of a Gothic novel, wasn't it? "Amid dark mutterings on a dark and stormy night...")

At the Games in Gallivare in Swedish Lapland, Santas sled, race reindeer-drawn sleighs, eat porridge -- with a splash on the beard earning instant disqualification -- climb chimneys and deliver presents under the watchful gaze of a panel of judges. (Gee, nothing like a little added pressure, is there? What happened to "Peace On Earth"? And that's pretty lousy, grading guys for neat porridge eating? This is terrible. What is this world coming to?)

Horniblew said it all came down to the reindeer sled race. (Well, doesn't it always?)

"You go up two at a time, head-to-head," he told The Mail on Sunday. (Unless you're the reindeer, and then it's head to butt...I pity the reindeers in case they have to stop quickly. Eewwwww...)

"I was up against the Estonian and I won the race. He actually fell off his sleigh. But he got awarded extra points for falling in a particularly Santa-like style. (Well, of the judges must be the Estonian's sister. That's pretty lousy!)

"I was pretty miffed at that, I can tell you."

Horniblew revelled in his world title win the previous year but revealed just how tough it is at the top.

"We are all very serious. It's not a fun thing. These guys are all Santa Claus in their own right in their own countries," he said. (Yet another occupation that might be hard to explain at a class reunion. And why be St. Nick if you can't have fun doing it?)

Indeed, Horniblew is deadly serious about Santa. Uniformed Santas must not smoke, drink alcohol, or swear. (That lets me and Billy Bob Thornton out...)

To be accepted, a potential Father Christmas has to pass the official Santa Test by proving one's charity work or grotto experience. (Grotto experience? What the heck is that? The only grottos I know of are those outdoor shrine thingies and I think I draw the line at being outside in December if it's cold.)

"I've had it written into my wedding vows that I'll be out being Santa on Christmas Day," Horniblew said. (I hope D doesn't get any ideas...I don't think he needs to be out traipsing around being Santa, otherwise I'll eat all his fried rice and go to the movies by my damn self. And something tells me that if this guy has taken the job seriously enough to write that codicil into his wedding vows, he's not married nor should he plan to be anytime soon.)

"When I die, I want my suit, with my authorised badge and Winter Games medals, to be draped over my coffin and my Santa boots sat on top."
(Sounds like he's serious about this, folks...I wanna be buried with...well, I dunno yet. I'll think on it.)

Sudiegirl's final opinion?

This guy takes his position a bit too seriously, but who am I to judge? I don't's just so weird to take this contest seriously, but if he does, maybe he has a reason for it. Sigh...what's a cynic to do? (Besides go to the movies and eat Chinese food on Christmas Day, that is?) One thing's for sure...if I ever become Mrs. Claus, no competitions for this chick. I'll light up a stogie, drink a Jack and Coke and swear more than Howard Stern.

Merry f*****g Christmas!