And now, from the "So Tom's Trying to Prove a Point?" Department, and Yahoo! News

Sudiegirl sez: OK, I'm not trying to be a bitch here, but somehow it just kind of sounds that way. Just roll with it, 'k?

I really do think that if people want kids and are as ready to have them as they'll ever be, they should go for it. The fact that I am not one of them just proves my point further.

Anyway, Tommy-Boy is embarking on marriage #3, and if one remembers his various struggles with the media, one also remembers the...well, controversy...as to whether or not the kind of activity involved with getting a woman pregnant "the old fashioned way" (thanks to Katie's aunt for that line, BTW...aren't aunts great?) was actually POSSIBLE for the great man. At least, not without pictures of Liberace, Steve Reeves and Rock Hudson mounted in strategic places in the ol' Cruise boudoir, if you get what I'm saying.

So do you get the same impression that I do? That this is some kind of Scientology baby-farm type of routine? I'm getting twinges of "Rosemary's Baby" here. Pass the funny-tasting chocolate mousse, please...and read on.

Katie Now "Shame"-less (Well, not really...)
By Sarah HallFri Oct 14,12:57 AM ET

Apparently, Katie Holmes is rehearsing the role of stay-at-home mom. (I'm rehearsing how to further repress my gag reflex as news of her daily progress will hit the presses. Wow. We'll have a LOT in common, as I'm sure ol' Tommy doesn't believe that morning sickness and other side-effects of pregnancy exist. Of course he's an expert...how many children has he given birth to again?)

The actress, who recently revealed she is carrying fiance Tom Cruise's baby, has pulled out of the Dennis Quaid drama Shame On You in order to focus on her pregnancy, People magazine reports. (Well, I can tell you from an observer's point of view that she won't be the only one focusing on her pregnancy. And it might have added to the white trash aspect of Quaid's biopic. Not sure if THAT was the right decision to make, honey?)

The film, a biopic on country and western swing legend Spade Cooley, had been scheduled to begin shooting in New Orleans within the next month. But the production was pushed back to early 2006 due to Hurricane Katrina. Holmes was set to star as Cooley's wife, Ella Mae. (Hmmm...wonder who they'll get instead?)

A publicist for Quaid, who is writing, directing and starring in the film, declined to comment on Holmes' reported exit. (I can't say I blame her. He was probably pissed as hell, as was the publicist. I mean, can't you film around that stuff?)

Holmes recently dismissed her longtime rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnick. Per initial reports, Holmes made the move in favor of the flackery skills proffered by Cruise's publicist and sister (publisister?) Lee Ann DeVette. But DeVette said Thursday that Holmes is currently sans spokesperson and therefore no one could confirm the People story. (I like that phrase..."sans spokesperson". I've been "sans spokesperson" all my life! I wonder what that means besides nobody gives a damn about me?)

In any case, DeVette and whomever Holmes decides to hire will have their work cut out for them in the denial and no comment department. (And nobody else could be more worthy of the position if they're dumb enough to apply. Can you say "job-related stress disorders?" And of course, no psychotropic drugs to help get through it because Scientologists don't believe in them.)

In what has become their signature whirlwind fashion, Holmes, 26, and Cruise, 43, announced they were expecting their first child together earlier this month, just four months after announcing their engagement. The couple has not yet set a wedding date. (That explains why I haven't gotten my invitation yet, right? Oh yeah, and I've made fun of him to so that's probably another reason.)

With Cruise and Holmes upping their public profile in recent days, tabloids have been all abuzz over the former Dawson's Creek star's very visible bump, prompting speculation into exactly how long she has been in the family way. (She's not saying.) (Of COURSE she's not. That's because Mattel hasn't installed that new speech function yet into her particular model. Once they do, however, look out.)

In terms of just how Holmes got to be in the family way, her aunt has denied rumors that the actress conceived via in vitro fertilization. (Aunts are great, aren't they? Hahaha...I'll have to do this to my nieces when they get famous.)

"I can assure you they did it the old fashioned way," Carol Zydorczyk said in a recent magazine interview. (We're not even going to ask how she knows for sure.) (Obviously, this aunt has a great future with the CIA or Interpol. Blah blah blah...all security for the nation is now released into the atmosphere. Thanks, Auntie Carol.)

Meanwhile, back home in Ohio, Holmes' father, Martin, is reportedly extremely displeased that his daughter is pregnant without the benefit of first swapping vows, according to Life & Style magazine. (And of course, they're a reputable magazine, right? Right? Uh, yeah...)

The magazine reports that the strict Catholic scolded the actress upon learning of her pregnancy, before telling Cruise, "You're no good!" The grandfather-to-be also reportedly demanded that the pair wed soon. (Is that with or without the benefit of a 30.06 barrel gouging Tommy Boy's back?)

In other reports, when it comes time for the actress to give birth in several months, it has been suggested that Holmes will attempt a silent labor in keeping with Scientology tradition.

The practice encourages mothers to be to forgo painkillers and to refrain from screaming or even talking as they bring their children into the world. Scientologists believe that the silence reduces trauma during birth and prevents irrational fears later in life. (This is further proof that Scientology was INDEED invented by a man. If I had invented scientology, I would have just made a different rule; namely, get the man out of the delivery room or else give him skin impervious to all screamed threats and insults, including the mother-in-law's inadequacies.)

Holmes and Cruise have not commented on how they plan to bring their offspring into the world. However, we're thinking Cruise better start practicing his silent couch-jumping routine, just in case. (It's kind of hard to jump on a couch when your wife has silently ripped off your scrotum while in the delivery room. It's more of a painful crouch.)

Sudiegirl's final comment?

Tommy is lucky I'm not his impending wife. If I were, I'd get morphine and make Tom live in the garage until the child is in college.

Unpregnantly yours,

Sudiegirl